Pain and Love Comes in Many Forms

Chapter Thirty Eight

"Well, I see you haven't torn down the place yet." Dan snickered, entering the house.

I glared at him, sitting on the couch.

"I'll make some dinner."

I huffed, "what's your plan?"

"My what?" He hummed innocently.

"Your plan!" I growled, "Why the fuck did you kidnap me?"

He smirked as he slid of his jacket and hung it up on the coat hanger. His voice was so toxic, "to slowly break you down."

"Good luck with that."

"Oh, I'll succeed."

I shivered, his voice was so sure sounding, "what makes you so confident?"

"I've got nothing to lose."

He was right. He was a wanted criminal and if he was caught, it would surely be the end. What's happening now had no impact on him.

"I see you figured it out."

I glance away from him, towards the ground and my feet.

I felt so damn powerless.

"Why? Why do you hate me so much?"

His voice staggered, and it was the first I heard such a sound, "you always had things I could never touch?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You were the golden child. I was a burden."

"Mom loved you!"

"She's not even my real mom!" Dan growled.

I flinched, "what? But-"

"Her first marriage, the guy, was my uncle. My mom died giving birth to me and my actual dad got killed in a drug deal gone wrong. When mom saw that my uncle was a lousy man, she left him and took me with her. Still, I was able to tell just how much she hated that."

"You," I was really going to comfort him? God, what was wrong with me, "it wasn't until you did what you did that she ever stopped loving you. She was proud of you, you know? Happy that you got married, that you had kids."

He scowled, "you didn't see her face when she told me I wasn't hers! The nerve she had! She told me the day before i left. She said she'd support me and all that crap, but her face..."

"Mom isn't good with words. She's still caring... why'd you have to betray such a thing?"

"I've always had problems, couldn't you tell? You're the perfect golden child after all."

I hated that term. Even if Dan had been a good brother, I probably would've still suffered. "You act like I was destined for greatness."

"Well, I ruined your perfect little self."

"I was never perfect. Even if you never hurt me, I was still going to suffer. I was in love with Jack. I would've realized it eventually. Maybe too late. I still had a weak mind and I just, never... I never really saw much in myself. So that golden child you thought you corrupted never existed in the first place."

"Are you trying to... scold me? With the position you're in?"

"No, I just," I close my eyes, "it feels like I'm still bottling up things, and actually confronting you about it has helped somehow. Like that even matters here."

When I opened my eyes, Dan was in front of my, crouching. In front of me. "I'll play nice for today. I'm not one hundred percent evil."

He moved and I sat still, unsure what to do as he went and made food.

God, what was going on here?

I think I dozed off, tired from crying and worrying about everything, and Dan shook me awake.

"I've got food ready for you. Come sit down."

"You didn't poison it, did you?" I groaned out sleepily.

"I could've, but I'm in a good mood right now, so I'll attempt to act how a brother should."

"You have never acted like how a brother should," I remarked.

He rolled his eyes, "I'm well aware."

I sat up, then got up, walking to the table, sitting down. Dan took a seat across from me. And we are in silence. How else could we eat?

We were strangers in almost every way.

We weren't even actually brothers, if what Dan said was true at least.

I felt phantom burns on my skin where the rope choked me, reminding me that the man across from me played a vicious part in my attempted suicide. I set my fork down and put head in my arms, trying to shake away the dangerous thoughts that creeped up on me.

"You okay there?"

"I think you already know the answer."

Dan raised a brow, "Are you like this often. A huge shift in your behavior?"

"Not like you even care, but yeah. I constantly remember the feeling of rope around my neck or the way sharp metal felt against my skin as blood spilled out. I remember feelings that I never want to feel again. Being here is making me wish I could just end all of it here."

"You won't do that though?"

"If it wasn't for Jack and heather and the people who relied on me, I would've killed myself long ago. I constantly regret being saved. I wish I died back then. In that eight years before I saw jack again, I hid all the pain I felt and had to fight back that ever growing urge. Even with Jack around, I still sometimes regret being saved. I know I shouldn't, but I do."

"You're already mentally damaged. Pretty badly too."

I sighed, "I hate being the way that I am. I don't feel the strongest urge to protect myself. I should, given everything that has happened, but I can't. I'm not as weak as people think, but I like relying on people. Maybe my sense of reason he become clouded? I don't think I care much anymore."

"You realize you're still being recorded?"

"I don't care anymore. I'm tired. Tired of trying to be perfect. I'm flawed, and I'm flawed worse than anyone ever thought."

"You look on the verge of tears."

"That seems to be my constant state lately," I grumble, wiping at my eyes.

God, my life was a mess.

I didn't even know what I wanted anymore. I wanted to be with Jack, but my mind was fuzzy.

Dan got up and picked up our plates, going to the kitchen to clean them up.

This was uncomfortably domestic