Pain and Love Comes in Many Forms

Chapter Six

The interview aired that night, and my Tammy notifications blew up.

A lot of people were wishing me well and rooting for me, supporting me since I was gay. There was surprisingly very little amount of hate.

Times have changed.

My phone rang and I saw it was Heather calling.

I picked up, "I'm fine, you shouldn't worry so much."

"I'm worried about this new information. Who raped you?" She asked worriedly.

"I'll tell you next time I see you, this type of thing is better talked about in person."

I heard her sigh, "how old were you at least?"

"Ten. The year I realized I was gay."

"Jesus Christ."

"Yup."

There was a large knock on the front door.

"Coming!" I shouted, "I'll have to call you back."

"Got it! I'm just a ten minute drive away if you need me! I'll be there tomorrow by the way."

"As expected. Bye."

"Bye!"

She hung up and I got to my feet, going to my front door, I opened it, to reveal-

"It's been awhile. Thanks for ruining my shirt."

"Goodbye." I slammed the door in his face.

He knocked again, and after five full fucking minutes of knocking, I let him in.

"What do you want Jack?"

"Can we talk? It's been eight years for God's sake."

"You turned an entire school against me right after my dad died, you kept pushing me and eventually I reached a breaking point. All that after you kissed me, fucked me, and made it seem like you cared. Why would I want to talk to you?"

"Yeah, I was a massive dick and I deserve no sympathy from you. I accepted that a long time ago."

I sighed, "what do you want?"

"Well," he closed his eyes, "I wasn't honest with myself back then. I realized that after you nearly died. I felt horrible for more than one reason. I thought I was disgusted, but then, I just kept remembering you under me, or the smile on your face, you laughing, and how pissed I got at Heather for existing next to you. I-"

"You liked me."

"I probably loved you. I realize we both moved on, well, not both, but I felt like I had to tell you, I'm sorry. I wish I could go back in time and get myself to be more honest. Maybe I was afraid of what people would think, or I just was shocked, but I wish I could take back the past every day."

"I wish you could too," I whispered, "please, just get out."

"Eth-"

I looked away from him, biting back at tears that threatened to spill.

My heart ached, it burned, and it throbbed at the memories.

Damn it

Damn it!

Damn it!

"Ethan, please, can we at least start as friends again? I don't expect you to trust me right away, and I know I don't deserve it, but-"

"Fine. Just please, leave for now."

"Is something-" I pushed him against a wall, looking away from him.

"Eight years and you're still on my mind. Why can't I move on? Why does it have to be you?"

"Are you saying you still like me?"

"Yes! And I wish I could move on. You made my life hell and my heart is still pounding and skipping beats. Why- why does it have to be you!?"

Jack looked at me, his face worried.

"I'm sorry. You deserve so much better-"

"There are days where I still hate myself. Days where I wish no one bothered to save me. When I woke up, I asked, 'why am I alive.' I don't deserve shit, but I- just leave."

"I- Alright. I'll go." I let go of him and he left. The minute he did, I found myself leaning against the door, my strength to stop crying, breaking as I sobbed out, sinking down the doorframe.

"God fucking damn it! Why me? Can't I get a break?" I shouted, gritting my teeth.

I heard a gentle knock at the door, "I know you said to leave, but hearing you cry is heart breaking."

"Well," I snapped, "Why do you think I'm like this? My best friend betrayed me, someone I loved, and eight years later he's back saying he loved me. How the fuck do you think I feel?"

"No matter what I say, it's not going to help."

"No shit!" I heard a thud on the door, and it seemed Jack was mirroring me, leaning against the door. "What are you doing?"

He sighed, softly enough that I could just barely hear him, "I'm waiting here until you stop crying. I've been such a shit friend, and you don't deserve any of it, despite what you believe."

"Why did you act up so horribly? You never seemed to mind homosexuality before. We even played a game to completion with two gay leads."

"When I still thought you were straight, I wasn't as worried I guess, no one would know your cute face the way I did. When you confessed to being gay, I donut know, something snapped, worry overcame me and I lashed out. By the time I realized what I was doing," he took in a deep breath, "I saw you hanging in your room."

"You s-"

"Your mom got home the same time I did. Or we'll, she discovered your body when I made it to my room. I heard screaming and you were there, blue in the face. I-"

"Sorry you had to see that."

"It all my fault. Damn it."

"We're two idiots, aren't we?" I said aloud, letting out a dry chuckle.

"You're not an idiot, you were amazing; still are, and I let that slip past my fingertips," he complimented sadly, "I was the idiot. I drove you to depression."

"It's not just you. A lot of things were on my mind. My dad's death, my brothers return, a lot of things."

"You don't have a good relationship with Dan?"

"No. It's a long story, and well, I hate him."

"What did he do?"

"I'll tell you tomorrow. I was going to tell Heather about it anyways."

"Heather? She'll kill me by being near you!"

I laughed, wiping at the last remaining tears, "if you want to be back in my life, you kinda have to talk to her."

"That," he paused, sighing, "will be interesting."

"Well, talking to you made me calm down a bit I guess?"

"When you can't see my face."

I shrugged, "when I see your face, it's like I'm forced to remember the pleasure of being with you, than shoved into the pain you brought and everything after."

"I wish I could take it back, that I could've just manned up and confessed."

"I wish you could. I'm going to bed."

"Night Ethan."

"Goodnight Jack."