Pain and Love Comes in Many Forms

Chapter Thirty Nine

Things were too peaceful.

I felt so on edge and oddly at peace.

"It almost seems like you invited me over to hang out with you." I commented over breakfast, picking at the egg whites with my fork.

"Would you rather I be evil?"

"What? No! It's just, I have no idea what I'm even supposed to think anymore. I have a job I'm missing, and a fiancé I still want to marry, yet here I am."

"Not like you could escape anyways. Not for lack of trying though."

I sighed and took a bite of my eggs.

I was...

Sadly, getting used to this lifestyle.

Dan was still the biggest psychopath on the planet, don't get me wrong, but my sense of awareness went way down with each passing day.

Not like I was really one for self survival. I tried if it meant getting back to Jack, or if it would help others, but other than that, I didn't have a fight or flight reaction to anything. Self preservation was pretty low.

"You know, I'm still curious how you landed that plane. I heard that someone you invited to first class, protected you and wrestled the gun away, but I don't think that's enough to make you land a plane."

"I barely recall it to be honest. I have flashes before the plane crashed, then waking up, seeing bodies, vomiting and going into a coma."

"Really?"

I nod, "I just did what I could, but I can't fly a plane. I can barely drive a car. It's normally heather, or Jack, someone else."

"You," Dan raised a brow, "rely a lot on other people."

"Well who wants to rely on an emotionally detached, unstable, gay, man who constantly has panic attacks and tends to put on a false front for others?"

"False front?"

"Well, I act happier than I am. And those god damn eight years-"

"You've mentioned those eight years a lot. What does that mean?"

I grit out my teeth, "eight years. The eight years Jack and I were separated. Pathetic, I know. I had to act happy for Heather's and Mom's sake, and no one noticed at all."

"Act happy? You never seemed to being faking it."

I shrugged, "I had to act happy for others sake. Couldn't have mom calling every five seconds asking how I was, what I was doing, and I didn't want to make Heather lose focus. She was in love with Ian, she had a dream of becoming a writer, and I didn't want to get in the way."

Dan seemed really curious, "what about when you're with Jack?"

"I regret admitting it, but I fake happiness in front of him to. I'll lie straight to his face because I don't want him to worry about me again. How can I tell him I still regret being alive? How could I tell him that I sometimes think I rushed things? That I still wish i could've fallen for someone else? I had to. Or maybe, I just, can't accept my own reality."

"You wish you could've fell for someone else?"

"My entire life has revolved around him. My thoughts swarm of nothing but him. He fuels my passion for acting and is the heart of every song I wrote."

"Poetic."

"But," I sighed, "I can't survive without him. I start questioning myself and get in this really god damn awful state. I'm a ticking time-bomb."