Pass Around (thatsojack fan fiction)

Chapter 17

3 Years Later...

She's sitting on my lap, laughing and talking to the people around her. If only she knew I didn't actually love her, if only she knew I was still in love with my late girlfriend, who I happened to kill.

"Jack," she says, breaking me out of my daze.

"Yeah," I quickly respond.

"You've been doing this forever, when will you stop blaming yourself?" Andrea whispers in my ear. But what she thought I was thinking about wasn't the truth, not even close. Sure, I partially blamed myself, but that wasn't what I spent every minute of every day thinking about. She had it all wrong.

"I'm not- I don't know, okay?" I correct myself. The truth would break her heart.

"What are you two whispering about," Kian smirks, Lauren following behind him as they enter the apartment.

"What's it to you?" Andrea replies and throws a piece of popcorn from the bowl on our coffee table at him, it's weird to see them getting along so well. It's probably because Kian moved on too, and a lot faster than anyone thought.

"I'm going to grab a water bottle, you want anything from the kitchen babe?" Lauren asks Kian as he begins to sit down.

"Just a sandwich," Kian jokes.

"Ha-ha," Lauren replies before leaving the room to head to the kitchen.

"So, you two seem to be getting pretty serious," Andrea says to Kian, a wide grin plastered acros her face.

"Yeah, I guess. We're trying not to rush things," Kian explains.

"Ah, I see," Andrea replies nonchalantly.

"Andrea, Jack, do you guys want anything?!" Lauren shouts from the kitchen.

"No thanks, I'm fine!" I shout back.

"Actually yeah, I'll just go in there to get it, it's kind of hard to find!" Andrea shouts as she gets up from my lap and heads to the kitchen.

While Andrea exits the room there's an awkward silence between Kian and I, it's been awkward ever since Andrea and I got back together. If we were ever really together before.

"She deserves to be loved you know," Kian tells me quietly.

"Huh?" I question.

"You don't love her, Jack. I can see it, Lauren can see it, Ricky can see it, we can all see it. And even though she might have messed up before she's made up for it. She was unhappy before, living in a reality that wasn't real. So you have two choices, you can either find a way to love her, or tell her you don't. She at least deserves that," he angrily states, and I don't know how he worded it so perfectly.

"She lived in the reality that wasn't real so that she wouldn't hurt you, I'm doing the same for her," I state, not making eye contact with him.

"And look where that got us," he points out.

"What are you guys talking about?" Andrea asks as she walks into the room with Lauren.

"Not much," Kian calmly lies.

"Yeah, not much," I repeat.

---

The hours passed like days in that room. Kian continued to uncomfortably stare at me, and with good reason. And now I need to do it, I need to tell her the truth.

"Andrea!" I call from the bedroom and stand up, ready to face what's about to happen.

"Yeah babe," she says as she perkily enters the room.

"I need to tell you something, or well talk about something with you. Just sit down," I say and grab her hand to follow me as I sit down on the edge of the bed.

"Yeah," she asks, confused.

"I think we should cool it for awhile," I say. Wow, that came out a lot more asshole-like than I thought it would.

"What, what do you mean?" Andrea questions and quickly lets go of my hand.

"I-I still- I don't know!" I admit, how am I supposed to tell her I don't love her after a year of saying it? How do I tell her I never got over Kristen?

"You're still in love with her," she shakily states, staring down at her feet.

"No!" I lie, why did I lie?

"Jack I'm not stupid! I can hear you crying at night when you think I'm asleep, I see you secretly looking at pictures of her on your phone, I see the look in your eyes when you tell stories about her. You're in love with her! I tried to ignore it, I tried to think you were just still grieving or something, I don't know. I tried to justify the situation but there's really no way to," she lets it all out. She knew. Maybe Kian was right, maybe everyone knew.

"I'm so sorry," I tell her and try to put my arm round her shoulder but she resists and I don't fight it.

"I know you can't help that you haven't gotten over her. But why did you go out with me when you still had feelings for her? Why did you lie to me for a year and a half?" Andrea sobs and I try to form a coherent thought about what she just asked but I can't.

"I guess I wanted to forget about her, I wanted to get over her. That's how it started at least. I don't know why I let it get serious. I wish I had an answer but I don't," I finally admit.

"It seems so much more real hearing you say it," she tells me.

"You deserve to be loved, and I can't give you what you deserve right now," I almost quote Kian.

"Why is it that even though I'm loved by thousands of people I can always manage to have my heart shattered by one?" Andrea asks and I've never heard something I could relate to more.

"I know it's not fair. I was in your position once. And I've been thinking, maybe it's not about being loved widely, but being loved deeply. I guess that's really what we all crave," I explain. 

"Jack, I know you're not in love with me, but do you love me?" Andrea asks and it's something I've never really thought about.

"With everything I have," I finally admit and lean in to hug her. She doesn't push me away this time but also doesn't speak. And so we sit like this, two heartbroken messes. 

(AN// Ahh I passed 1,000 reads! This is crazy to me that people chose to read what I've written over 1,000 times! I know I've been sacking off lately but with finals and everything I haven't had time. With summer being here I will definitely be updating more. Love you guyssss)