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NAOMI WAS RIGHT. She hoped that she would be wrong about it this time, but she wasn't.
The only difference was that this time she had not fallen for believing that Paulo would not go back to his usual ways, and that she had not given herself false hope. He was back to being the Paulo she was so sick and tired of, the selfish, careless and ruthless man he had turned into over the years.
She didn't know if Paulo did it on purpose, as a way to get rid of her or if there was some other reason behind it all. If he didn't love me, why didn't he just say it to my face? That same thought would always run through her mind. She found no point of being with someone who didn't love her-- or maybe never loved her in the first place. But never had he once told her that he didn't love her, which never made her feel like he didn't love her. But his actions were enough to tell her otherwise.
There would be times where he made her feel like a queen, like she deserved the entire world and that he loved her, and only her and when he would do anything to put a smile on her face or even laugh. It seemed as if all the times she had spent being heartbroken by him and feeling like it was all her fault for everything made the beautiful memories they once shared, disappear. As if the good times she had ever spent with him, and the time where they were so in love were dreams she had made up or something that had happened so long ago that she could only feel nostalgia.
Paulo could still make her smile and feel some sort of happiness, but it wasn't the same. Not at all. Nothing could ever compare to the feelings she had for Paulo and the memories tied to the younger Paulo. Now, it was like they could never be happy. There was always something wrong whenever she felt like she was close to being happy with Paulo, and she hated having to doubt him for everything, but she had a reason too.
There would be nights- that she could easily remember- where she would spend them crying and feeling bad for herself and feeling like the most ignorant person on Earth for herself getting herself into something that had no end.
Naomi loved Paulo, but was any of the suffering, heartbreak and pain worth all of this? She questioned herself that all the time, but she always knew the answer. All she wanted was to get the love she so helplessly craved from him, the love she would give but never receive from him.
It wasn't worth it. She knew that none of what he ever did to her was worth it.
She wanted to fix things between them, but there was no fix for things that were broken, and always remain that way. Anyone who knew the truth about their relationship would've told her to leave him already, that he wasn't worth her time. But those were things she already knew, that she had known for a while now.
But saying something wasn't the same as doing something, she could've sworn to herself a hundred times that she would moved on from Paulo and be happy. But here she was, hoping for the day she would finally do something, for the day she would finally open her eyes and see past through the good she still saw in Paulo. Maybe she was just too blind to see everything, to see things as others might've seen all of this.
Leaving him wasn't wasn't the same as saying it. She couldn't do it, because at one point she hoped that Paulo would one day truly change his ways. That all the suffering she had gone through would be worth it so that she could finally be happy with him. But at this point, it seemed like the happy ending she hoped for wouldn't happen.
His adorable smile didn't make her forget the fact that he had made her go through so much, neither would his angelic eyes and melodic laugh that would just make feel all warm and mushy inside.
Love was something beautiful. But falling for the wrong person wasn't, it was the total opposite and that's what Naomi had with Paulo. She liked to think of it that way sometimes, that she had fallen for the wrong person.
Naomi felt like there was nothing she could do, because it didn't matter if she had fallen in love with the wrong person, she had already fallen in love. She couldn't get rid of the feelings she had for him, it wasn't the same as a simple crush or liking someone. You could always like someone, and you could always stop liking someone easily. But when it came it love, you could always stop loving someone, but it wasn't as easy as it sounded. Nowhere near.
Paulo didn't bother to hug or kiss her, or even show any type of affection, to make her feel loved. Nothing to make her feel appreciated. She didn't need a grand gesture to need to feel special and she didn't need much to feel loved. She just wanted to know that he loved her, a small kiss or an 'I love you' would be enough to make her feel loved by him. All she wanted was love, what everyone wanted at one point.
Naomi wondered what made it different? What made him want to love her one minute and then the next as if she didn't exist, as if she meant nothing to him.
Usually it was late at night when everything would hit her, when she would think about everything. Where she would realize, but just not enough. Nights where she would wonder where their relationship had gone wrong and why had it become this.
Maybe there was nothing wrong with their relationship, she thought. She would blame herself sometimes for not being enough for him, for not being what Paulo would ever want in a woman, and the fact that Paulo couldn't love her fully with all his heart. She felt that she could be the reason why they would never be happy forever, maybe the only reason that they didn't necessarily work out was because she was the problem and not him. Maybe it was my fault.
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ok this was a horrible lmfao. i love you all! ^.^ ♡
