devoid love • tate langdon

CHAPTER SIXTEEN: BROKEN PARTS

  I look in the mirror. My hair was frizzy and tangled. My eyes had bruises underneath them and my eyes were bloodshot. I had cried a little beforehand so I had dried tears sticking on my cheeks. It was around 2:30 in the morning but I just couldn't sleep. I had too much on my mind. I always had something on my mind now. School. Tate. Ally. It was so hard to deal with it. It was three days ago I had fought with Tate and I couldn't get him out of my mind. The next door neighbour, Constance's warnings. The bullies. Leah's face. The monster in the basement.

I couldn't deal with it. A tear slipped down my cheek and I turned away. I walked out of my room, going into the hallway. I was hanging by a string. A string so thin and tiny it was breaking. It was snapping. So fast. My feet padded on the wooden floor. I made my way to the kitchen. The string was decaying in my hand. I held on. I held on so tight my fingers dug into my palm. I came into the kitchen and went to one of the drawers.

I would fall below. I would fall until my body hit the jagged rocks below. The waves would crash over me. I would be forever forgotten. No one would find me. I would be hidden from the world as their memory of me faded away. I opened the drawer and saw rows of spoons, forks and knives. I searched widely with my eyes. I felt myself slipping. The string was coming undone. I would fall. I would fall. I would fall. I saw a long sharp knife with a metal handle. I took it out, gripping onto it. I closed the drawer and started to walk away.

The wind hit my face, threatening to swing me and pull me down. I heard screaming. A high voice shrieking in my ears. It made me wince. Another voice whispered. It told me to let go. It whispered horrible things in my ears. I leaned into it. I wished for it to take me away. I walked fast to the nearest bathroom, my footsteps becoming faster and faster. Ally wouldn't hear me. I would make it too quick before she found me. I didn't think leaving a note would help. I gripped the knife tighter.

I had to. This house was shit. My school was shit. People were shit. My life was shit. That was the whole world. A load of shit. People faked and destroyed everything they touched. What I touched turns to shit. And I was going to end it. All of it. All the shit. All the goddamn shit in this world would be gone! The yelling and whispering got louder.

I opened the door to the bathroom and flicked on the light, closing the door. I looked at myself in the mirror. I stared at my bloodshot eyes. My tangled hair. My skinny figure. I let tears escape my eyes. I brought up my long sleeve, revealing a long gash on the inside of my wrist. I breathed in. The screaming and whispering where at an all time high. I couldn't take it. I wanted it to stop. I closed my eyes and pressed down.

Suddenly I felt myself get jerked back. I yelped in surprise, opening my eyes. I saw Tate behind me, trying to pull the knife away from me. I started to struggle when I realized what was happening. I thrashed around, but he caught a hold of my hand, making me drop the knife. I tried to kick behind me. I hit his shin but it didn't seem to affect him.

"No!" I yelled. I tried to get out of his grasp but he was too strong. He fell onto the toilet and pulled me to him. I grabbed at the shower curtain, trying to pull myself off. He wrapped his hands around my arms, holding his hands together to try and keep me still. I cried while trying to get out. "Let me go! Let me go..." My attempts to get away started to become weaker and finally I just stopped, crying silently. Tate brought me to his chest, hugging me. I cried on his shoulder.

"Shh. It's ok. It's ok." He whispered in my ear. The voices started to fade away. His soothing voice made its way to my ears and I listened willingly. He stroked my hair as I sat there. I breathed in shakily, my chest heaving up and down.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I muttered. I started to talk randomly, saying and jumbling things around in my speech. He hugged me closer.

"It's ok, it's ok." He said, leaning his head on mine. I closed my eyes, trying to breath in and out at a normal rate. The voices were completely gone now and I started to relax. I stopped mumbling and just stayed silent. I opened my eyes to meet his brown ones. I knew I looked like a wreck but he gave me a smile. I gave a weak one back.