Mending broken hearts

chap 13

Before I start this chap, HUGE shout out to @KatherineLange_ for their support!!!!! Thank you so much!!!!!

Thoughts swarmed through my head as I ate. 

' I can't ride.. I can't break my promise to Crystal. why is everyone trying to make me ride? What if I just walked and led the horse? Technically I would still be going on the trail ride. Either I'm  walking, or I'm not going at all, because i:'m never going to ride again.it reminds me top much of Crystal. Horses remind me to much of Crystal. This stupid camp  is doing more damage than good.'

Frustrated, I snuck out of the dining room, pretending that I was getting up for more food, but instead taking the back way to the stairs through the kitchen. I silently made it to my room and closed the door. One it was closed and locked, I collapsed on my bed.  I took my horse pendant necklace off and held it in my hands, gripping it tightly. 

I closed my eyes and I immediately thought of the last time I saw her alive. Her Stormy colored eyes still held light, even when they were  faded and she was in her last moments, and although she was weak, her voice still carried hope and she was oddly  very peaceful, as if she knew it would happen, as if she knew she was Dying and no one could save her this time. Why did God Abandon me?  It wasn't Crystal's time to go to heaven.She still could've had a long, happy life. 

Voices screamed at me inside me head. ' It's all your fault. If you didn't push her to go, she would be alive and you wouldn't be here.' One hissed.  'Just kill yourself so you can go see her. Noboduy will miss you nayways. Why do yoiu think even God has abandoned you?' Another screeched. 'Typical, Typical.typical. You're still hanging onto living when everything good in your life except your parents have vanished? They are always busy. Why hang on to that when you can  just die? You can't fix your horses. When you're gone they'll go to slaughter. Doesn't really matter to you anyways, right? You'll be dead.' 

'But... But I don't want to die. '. I whispered back. 

'Well, there's always the option of running away. You can start a new life, forget Crystal. Forget your family. Forget Tango and Wildfire. Take few important belongs and run. Run until your legs ache and you can't breathe.  Run until all of your problems  disappear.' A new voice Suggested softly. 'But what about my family?'  I sighed.  All of the voices grew silent And another voice spoke, much different than any of the other horrible raspy voices my mind created. This one didn't  seem to come from me. ' you can do this. Crystal would have wanted you to.God hasn't abandoned you, nor will he ever.Horses are your passion. do it for Crystal. Do it for God. Both of us will be with you every step of the way.' This voice was calm and soothing. 

I looked down at the beautifully carved stone. Every detail was perfect. The mane, the face,the perfect smoothness of the pendant, and  the gleam in the horse's eye, as if she  really was flying  and free, happy to do whatever she wanted. The dark blue mixed with large specks of black and thin, hairlike copper lines  only added to the horse's beauty. Under sunlight, her blue stone almost looked like a part of the ocean. A deep, calm sea with the power and spirit to take down anything the world threw at it. The last voice was right. I can do this. At last, I stared into the penny' carved  eyes, and I thought of something Crystal once told me when I lost my Favorite  chicken, Penny. ' love and loss are two sides of the same coin.You can't have love without loss, So savor it while it's there.'  I just wish it wasn't Crystal that I lost.

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I was assigned to Sox, just until wildfire and Tango were ready to be ridden. I was nervous the whole time I groomed him, and was shaking  while tacking up.