Beer and Spicy Rice Cakes

Chapter 22 - Letters

With slow and careful steps, I approached my own bed, were Jimin was fast asleep, quietly snoring because of her stuffed nose.

It was cute.

Suppressing my grin, I brushed her hair out of her face and put my hand on her forehead.

Her fever still wasn't any better.

With a small sigh, I sat down next to my bed and roamed through my backpack for a moment, until I found the plastic bag, that her medicine was wrapped in and placed it on the nightstand.

"Who's that?"

Jihoon's deep voice made me look up.

And when I thought about his question for a moment, I didn't really know, how to respond to it.

Who was she for me?

What were we?

Quietly looking at her for a few seconds, I started smiling a soft smile.

"My girl..."

 The warmth in my own voice gave me goosebumps.

I wasn't usually the type of person to express a lot of feelings. And it was enough, that I seriously started crying in front of him earlier.

Not only in front of him, but in front of everyone else that had walked around in the streets.

I suddenly felt stupid. I didn't understand this situation at all.

As he sat down next to me, I just stared into space and took a deep breath. 

"How is it possible, that you're here...?"

My gaze, very slowly, wandered off to his face, as I inspected it with curiosity and a generous amount of wariness.

I didn't really know him anymore, as I didn't hear from him for over sixteen years. The last time I'd seen him, I was nine years old. 

"I came here to find you..."

"Why now...? After all this time..."

"Because I received your letters..."

My eyes widened at his last words.

I was officially confused as fuck.

"Wait... what?", I asked in a slightly annoyed tone and watched him roam through his own backpack for a moment, until he pulled out a huge bundle of envelopes.

They looked old, like someone read them over and over again.

But I still didn't understand.

Placing the bundle on my lap, I stared at it for a whole lot of a while.

I knew that they were mine.

I could see, how my handwriting changed from letter to letter.

How it grew much better, but more aggressive and careless.

Turning the newest looking one around in my hands, I pressed my lips together, until they formed a thin line. I knew very well, what was written inside of it. But I wanted to make sure. I still couldn't believe all this.

Carefully ripping it open, I unfolded it and read the tiny letters all over again.

---

"2008/12/18

Fuck you, Hwang Jihoon.

I hate you so much, I can't even put it in words. Just wanted to let you know. I really hope, you're in a huge crapload of pain right now. Don't you dare to ever show up in front of me. It's too late now.

Bye."

---

I knew that I was drunk, when I wrote this.

It was actually the first time, I really got so drunk that I felt like crap the next morning.

I just turned sixteen at that time and had stolen three bottles of Soju from a convenience store. The letter actually still kinda smelled like it. A mixture of Soju and smoke.

"Why are you showing this to me...? I wrote them, I know what's in there...", I mumbled quietly and finally looked at him again.

His whole expression looked completely empty and numb.

Something I knew very well from myself. 

"My dad kept these letters for over sixteen years... Because he wanted me to focus on things that were important in his eyes... School, college, work. Finding a girlfriend. It was ridiculous. He didn't ask for my opinion even once..."

Quietly listening to him, my heart grew heavier from second to second. 

"Then why did he give them to you now, all of a sudden...?"

"He didn't."

"Then... how?"

His face grew a bitter smile.

And after a long moment of silence, he placed a piece of worn out, crumbled paper on the palm of my hand.

"My dad commited suicide before I found your letters..."