Beer and Spicy Rice Cakes

Chapter 23 - Sinner

"Jihoon-ah...

Do you know, how hard it is for me, to write this letter to you...? Do you know, how much I love you, my son? I am so, so sorry...

I'm sorry for never giving you the amount of love and care that you actually needed. I'm sorry for being this stereotypical drunk-ass dad that hurt you so many times, over and over again... I'm sorry for keeping you on the short leash all your life. I'm sorry for keeping you from doing whatever you wanted. I'm sorry for not being able to protect you, like you deserved it...

The funny part about all this is, that I actually know very well... I know, that you deserve better. That you always did and always will deserve better things than I can give to you. Even if I really was a nightmare of a father to you, you grew up to be such a good man. A good human being. So pure and honest in everything you're doing, with the pride and temper, your mother gave you. The smart and foul mouth that you probably got from me. And looking like the perfect mixture of both of us, your mom and me, you're as perfect as I ever imagined you to be. 

My handsome son...

There is something I kept hidden from you, since we left Namyangju. And as it is my time to leave now, you should know about this. Please go and take a look at the drawer of my desk...

Did you do it? Did you find them...?

If you did... I'm sorry again. I'm sorry for taking the only friend that you ever grew fond of, away from you... I still don't really know, why I did it. Probably because I wanted to protect you? Because I didn't want you to always look back to him? I wanted you to look forward. To lead a good and gentle life, study hard, get a good job and build a family... But I took the one thing from you, that you probably needed even more than you needed me. A friend. 

To keep it from you, all this time, over sixteen years. To keep it from you, that he wasn't doing too well. That terrible things happened to him. And that he really needed a friend like you... It was my biggest sin. The sin I always regretted the most in all my bitterness. 

I know, it's probably an impossible thing for me to ask from you, but...

Please forgive me. 

And go find Jaehyun. You're free now.

In forever lasting love and agony...

Dad"

---

My fingers were softly running over a burn mark in the crumbled paper, where it seemed that something was removed to never remember it again.

I could feel my own tears dwelling up.

And it felt like my heart was being ripped into pieces all over again.

The pain of being left behind, completely alone, I knew it so well, that it hurt even more right now. 

"Fuck..."

Hoon was still sitting next to me, his face completely motionless.

It was only now, that I could see the deep, dark circles around his eyes.

The messy hair and his sunken cheeks.

I felt like dying too, right now. 

One hand placed on his shoulder, I silently got up and pulled him with me after that. 

"Where are we going?"

"My favorite spot."

"What about the girl?"

"She's sleeping... I'll just leave a note."

He nodded and I quickly wrote a few words to a small piece of paper, before I patted his arm and left the flat, followed by this person that I knew so well and didn't know at the same time.

But I felt closer to him, than I ever did before. 

When we arrived at the rooftop, it was snowing again. And I strangely didn't even mind it right now.

The cold air was cleansing and made my mind feel at ease, just a little bit more.

I walked over to the ceiling on the edge of the rooftop and leaned on it, letting my gaze wander over Seoul's skyline.

Not saying a word, we just stood next to each other for something that felt like hours, watching the grey clouds moving in the sky. 

"I'm sorry about what happened to your parents... Seriously sorry... I loved them both so much back then, I couldn't believe it when I read your letters..."

"Well... I'm sorry about your dad too... Even if I know, that you two didn't get along too well... You never did. It's still fucked up..."

"It's okay, I guess... I'm more pissed and seriously don't understand him, than being sad about it..."

"Then why do you look like crap to me?"

He looked at me in disbelief and snapped my forehead in the next moment, drawing a sharp breath.

Throwing him a smirk, I swayed his hand away and looked at the city again.

"But seriously... You don't look too good..."

"Probably because I've been looking for you for almost a year and worried the crap out of myself so much, that I couldn't get a good night's sleep."

It started off with him laying an arm around my shoulders and ended with me being caught in a headlock at the end of his sentence. 

"Why are you so hard to find, huh?! You don't even use facebook, like every other goddamn person on this planet."

His grip got tighter and his free fist was rubbing against my head.

Laughing and whining, I tried to free myself, but he was stronger than expected. 

"No! I'm sorry, I did wrong! HYUUNG! SAVE MEEE!"

And then he finally let go of me.

He was still laughing and I kicked his butt for it.

Pulling a cigarette out of the pocket of my sweatpants in a somehow complicated way, I lit it up and took a deep hit of it, before I approached him again.

But it didn't last too long.

Before I could do something against it, he had slapped my hand and I could watch the small stick fall down into nothing, until I couldn't see it anymore.

I looked at him with widened eyes.

"Yah, what are you doing?"

"Are you an idiot? Don't ever try doing that in front of me again."

"What? Smoking?"

"Exactly. It's bad for your health."

"My whole life is bad for my health, I don't think that it's such a big difference."

"Oh wow, going completely emo at me now?"

"Fuck you, Hwang Jihoon."

"Fuck you too, Kim Jaehyun."