SHITS AND GIGGLES

it is a vent about me and i am sorry

Just me talking to myself

React in pity, anger, I don't care

DEHandBMCtrash... remember that venting shit?...heere it is.....

Well...

Honestly is getting worse.
Is worse.

Consumed by fear and depression.

I honestly feel like a hopeless case..

I have bad memories and things trigger them alot (abuse, deaths, bullying, emotional stress, more) in which I get in this mood. Or cry for hours but seem to lie in a way that I been okay.

I can't speak about it. I can't. I flinch at my mother's movement sometimes. Anyone's. I just..can't help it.

I cry alot honestly. I don't mean it in anyway, shape, or form. I feel as if I shouldn't cry, there is no reason to cry. I am highly dramatic I think.

I don't want to live either.
I'm sorry my thoughts are everywhere but I don't. I understand that it is selfish. I been told I was selfish to want to do that . I get it. But I can't seem to see my sluggish body moving anymore. I been just...I don't think right all the time. I want to just take medicine. Lots. To help the pain inside. Yes to the point where I need the hospital.

I don't call my house home. I don't think of it as home. I don't think there is a home for me. Maybe.

My mother makes it worse sometimes. She says she accepts me for who I am, pansexual, but at the same time...doesn't. she keeps telling me that I'm not pansexual since I hadn't "experience" anything. Or being sexually active. It bothers me. I don't think I need to have sex to figure out I love you no matter what you are. Hearts before parts. Honestly. Every example I give her to show her I am, she like..turns it down. Like she can't believe it and wants me straight. Ugh. And another thing that bothers me is that she mocks me. Not when I am having panic attack, but she still did it. My panic attacks are horrible. Honestly. Even my depression and she thinks I am searching symptoms and acting them out to just not go to school or so. What the fuck? I want to die. Legit not breath again. Not for attention! At. all. I don't care that I am loved that much. I don't fucking care. She calls me lazy when I am in an episode of depression. She says since she is bipolar she knows symptoms of depression and knows what a panic attack looks like...well, bitch, not really if you really really..mm..Gawd, I mean, she swears she loves me but has an awful way to show it.

Lil shit (E) is an asshole as well. He follows my mother and always gets his way. Since of course, he isn't a fuck up as me and blah blah blah (not in my mother's words) if I do something wrong or so he will say:

Oh, you can't do anything right

Can't you listen?

You never listen asshole

You're a bitch

Ugh. I mean, really love him to death but hearing that...it hurts. I am human and the oldest, why the fuck would you take it out on me. I don't even let him. I call him names back and when he hits me, I hit him back. But I get in trouble for defending myself it seems. Yeah, he is smaller than me, but doesn't mean he gets away from fucking hitting me and calling me a name. Kinda teaching him wrong. As if the person who is defending themselves is in the wrong.

I don't know.

I lied to the hospital that I was fine. I lied because I was scared. Not of what will happen but because of my mother. She is still pissed off about my talk about my Suicide thoughts getting worse.

Why? Honestly!

Im
Done...