SHITS AND GIGGLES

no...i dont know...im sorry

I'm sorry that I don't put rainbows and butterflies on here. Honestly, I know I shouldn't hide my feelings but at the same time feel as I should hide them
So I feel less insecure of you leaving me from the annoying times of me repeating and staying in depression episodes out of little things. Honestly.

I can't tell you what love is. I don't know it platonic or not. I feel hollow. I don't know..

I been told things. Like I was worthless. Fat. Gross. Disgusting. Useless.

Everything you can imagine. I know it doesn't mean it describes me but over time it just grows in your mind and latches on fully.

I can't help it. The negitive comments about myself. I mean, I mean it but at the same time I don't.

Everyone here seems to love me in a way, or everyway. I never had spotlight like that. I never gotten called nicknames that I feel in a long time so loving. Real life people actually might Like me for who I am.

Doesn't mean the fear of you guys leaving. The fear you will get sick of me and leave me like the others.

*Closes eyes* I want it to stop...I want the pain to leave me..I want to be happy for God's sake! I want...to..to just not be used and such

Is that hard?

Did I do something?

I DONT REMEMBER A FUCKING TIME WHERE I FULLY DESERVE THIS? I GET IT. When I was little I stole once but then got my ass beat and said personally I was sorry to the store person, cheated on a test once and I got yelled at....I can't just see it I guess because in the end of me doing something good or bad in the past I still got punished. Still gets punished.

Ugh.

The beauty of the dark always calms my thoughts and how nature just tangles just all in all helps me...also it is not snowing anymore but it might start up again..and me being an innocent bean, fucking can't wait at all!

Honestly I am innocent. Through the hell I went/ going through, I came out innocent and there is pretty fucking horrid shit that happened. Maybe there is one good thing. Innocence.

I don't know. I'm rambling