I am NOT an elfling

Catching Up/You're My What Now?!?

To be entirely honest, I'm kinda regretting the whole 'bopping Lord Elrond on the nose' thing. This has got to be the most awkward moment of silence in my life. Lelrond's eyebrows have gone wacko and I am seriously considering there is some eyebrow altering substance in the water around here, I mean jeez, how do these people even do these things? Eyebrow gymnastics?

OK, I'm gonna pretend I didn't just laugh a little out loud at the image of a line of elves diligently facing Elrond as he teaches them the ways of brow manipulation. Yep, totally didn't laugh and then start coughing. It wasn't me.... Ok, maybe it was, but fricken' do dah day, give me a break. Shocked out of his moment of disbelief by my random, insane giggles Elrond jumps (not literally thankfully) into action and pulls me to his chest whispering softly.

So apparently I'm "safe", gonna be "alright", am "cared for" and "loved" by Lelrond (yep, that's his name now). Wow, that moved fast, slow down there buddy! It is kind of nice though; letting myself sink into his warm embrace. Sure, it's a wayyyyy to vibrant maroon but wowee is it soft. I try lying silently for a moment, but nope, not for me, damn it! I'm too awake to relax (and too thirsty!). I try to move but am quickly shushed (how rude), I guess it's time to bring out the big guns! I'm just about to kick when the door opens and I feel Lelrond move towards it, sorrowfully my vision is blocked but his torso.

The unknown new invader of my room is, assumedly male, and surprised by my wake. "She has returned to you. Many celebrations across all of Arda shall begin this day, for, this miracle is truly the will of the Valour. How fares she? How fares her Fae and mind?". Excuse me! How 'bout asking said mind you bloody no-good-nick! Because trust me, I will sure as hell give you a bit of it. Elrond's voice suddenly sends vibrations through his chest.

"She has returned, yes -" he says "-but I cannot say for certain her condition. She is frail and even now her light only glows dimly. I fear for her mind, for what it has become. This sorrow....". He trails off, however Mr Unknown gently glides in "shall be lessened in time. She is strong, I can see it within her. My daughter speaks of her reverently and she speaks not in falsehood.". I feel Lelrond look down but I am so not looking at him right now! Ha! He wants to act like I'm not there, so will I! "She shall heal. I will take her home to Imladris where she may rest peacefully protected by her kin. Never again will she suffer so". "Never again" echoes the unknown voice. Well, that's nice at least.

What isn't nice is that apparently being small means you have no ear, or at least no hearing. Seriously! The way these guys are talking about me as if I'm not here! Even worse, every time I try to interrupt I am shushed! I have almost had it! Why couldn't I have been transformed into a dwarf! Or a hobbit? Or better yet, stayed human and in my own goddang world!?! Wait. These guys don't know I'm not an elfling. Oh my god, I'm practically lying to them.

I feel my stomach drop and the word goes dark for a second. The air seems heavy. Oh no, don't cry. I need to explain, not to cry. Ok, so failure on the crying front, this is not how I wanted this to go. Elrond tightens his grip and gently rocks his body. His face leans down towards me so that I can feel his hair blocking me from the outside world. At first his voice seems distant, like a train in the night, yet it gets closer and closer and I attempt to calm my breathing and to stop my mind from panicking.

"It's alright, you are safe little one. My precious elfling. You need not fear. Calm your breath and relax. Follow my breathing. Like this; In....Out....In...Out... Like that my gift. Slowly. You will be alright," Damn it! Lelrond is good that this 'soothing thing' because I feel myself slowly becoming calm again against my will! He is no longer speaking, just softly humming, yet it is gentle and nice. As I try to take a deep breath however my dry throat gives out and now I'm coughing like I've caught the plague. Fun.

A flurry of movement happens to my left and a hand suddenly lifts something metal to my lips as my head is movement without my consent to the side. I try to chug the water as fast as possible, however, whoever is holding it is only allowing a dribble to come to the brim at a time. Ok, so it is probably done to stop me chocking, but I'm thirsty goddamn it! I wrench my arms up and try to tilt the cup up so I may drown myself in its refreshing goodness... no such luck! Lelrons arms are like a fricking steal pipe. Urgh!! Looks like this will be a slow one. So I sip desperately for a few minutes before I realise fuck! They still think I'm an elfling. Ok Ash, you can do this. It will be straightened out.

"Look" I try to state, however the sound is muffled by the cup (which is quickly taken away) and I am once again shushed. Oooh this biarch is gonna get it.

"Look dude" I almost yell over the shushing sound that comes out as I try to speak again. I will say this you mongrel. " You have got this all wrong! I am not actually an elfling! It's a long story and rather complicated and if you could just PUT ME DOWN I would be all to happy to explain." My words come out fast and loud so as to not be quietened again. Sure, they would have been more dramatic if I was actually standing and an appropriate size and could stamp my foot, still, I didn't start crying so that is a positive.

However, instead of the shock I expected, I am greeted with an even firmer hug! Damn! That probably means they don't believe me. I am so distracted by my thoughts that I barely hear Lelrond start to talk, the rumbling vibrations of his chest surprisingly calming. Catching the end of his sentence my breath catches and my brain goes into overload.

"Could you repeat that" I all but squeal out. I can almost feel his eyebrow raise even though I cannot see it.

"Worry not, my gift, for all is not what is seems. I know you are confused and have travelled a long way but I assure you are safe and loved and that I am well informed. For, although you may not know, I am your Father". The last part is said rather sorrowfully like my lack of knowledge is a blow to his heart. It is gonna suck to have to tell him he is delusional, cause I sure as hell am not his daughter. Wait... I had forgotten... Smaug! They have to be warned.

"Fuck" I whisper resulting in gasps all around. Righhhhttt, in Middle Earth swearing is like declaring you your into kinky s and m in public. Fuuuuu

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I'm back! Lol! All my readers probably hate me cause I write about as consistently as I study ( way less than I should). Sorry to everyone and thank you for always being so nice and keeping me going!!!