Better Off (Lil Peep)

Chapter 32: Fragile

Samara's POV

The crowd cheered even louder, as I sat backstage fiddling with my camera.

I noticed Goth waiting in the eaves, not too long after they'd been out there.

"I saw you guys." He smirked. My insides dropped, thinking about Goth and his undying love for Gus. My face fell and he must've noticed too.

"No- it's okay, you deserve it- anyone with a good heart, deserves to know his love. And to be lucky enough to have it. All I'm going to tell you- if you go through with this you'll never be the same again. And love, to you, won't be the same either. Really." He looked My in the eyes, deadass.

I wasn't even sure what that meant but I nodded slowly, taking in the words.

"Goth I really didn't mean for this- I don't want to hurt you- really-"

"Nobody ever means for it to happen- with him, it just happens. Really. It's okay. But please- don't break him. He's more fragile than he looks."

"I think Layla already kind of did. It was bad. She sent a snap of her sucking that guys dick- which is some like, hurtful shit. I'd never hurt Gus. He's been here for through all this- and I'm coming out of my own issues with Wicca. Really it's bad timing but- it's not like we're a thing or whatever." I tried to act somewhat casual but Goth was no dummy. He could see right through me.

"I know you Sami, you like him. You have, for a minute now. Don't forget dude, I see all, and he likes you. A lot." He added.

"Really?" I felt almost uncomfortable talking about it with him.

"Yeah really- but, Gus never stays with the same person for too long. You've seen it. Even Emma, and they were supposed to be endgame, then me, Layla. Now you. Don't be surprised when it ends. Take it from me- you can't obsess over it, just- enjoy the time with him, whether it's a week or a year. Really."

"I'm afraid of that, Goth. I'm not gonna put my heart in something if it's not real. I'm fragile too, if I'm being honest. I'm still so fucking hurt about Wicca- he never even formally asked me out." I sighed.

"I saw all of that too. I'm sorry he played you like that. That's low, even for him. You deserved more than that. Really."

I accepted his apology and set my camera, giving Goth a little wave as I dipped out onto the stage.

I watched them all do their thing, but most of all I watched Gus, thinking so carefully about Goth's words to me.

I didn't really know what I was getting myself into, but I let the feeling wash away, and I focused in on taking the best photos of them as always. I loved capturing them on stage. My job was almost never boring, and I felt the normal rush of adrenaline like always, only more personified this time.

My first time out of the country, their first international tour. It was the biggest crowd I'd seen them perform to date and my heart fluttered, moving my camera out towards the crowd, looking at each and every one of their faces as I did.

I was fragile and I didn't want to be. But I was human, and the hurt in my soul when I looked over at Wicca felt like a stab to the gut. I sucked a breath in and pretended that his face was one I didn't recognize, even if he was the person that I woke up to for the better part of a month and a half. I took the photos I needed too and I focused on the others.

Just before Gus went on alone, Wicca got the crowd hyped and had them all sing happy birthday to him. His perfect face was a shade of bright pink as the entire club sang "Happy Birthday Peep" I sang along but always changed Peep to Gus. I never called him Peep, it somehow didn't feel natural to me.

When he went on alone, it was a magic like no other. It always had been, but today felt different- I had never seen him stand so tall- or sing with such passion. I watched his whole body shake as he performed Crybaby, and I watched his eyes, watching mine the entire time.

He was practically crying, and I felt myself tear up too- but I pushed it down and kept photographing. Once I'd captured all I could I left the stage, he watched me as I walked away. I could feel my heart rising up in my chest and the tears coming with it.

"Goth" I ran into him backstage again and couldn't help but just hug him. I let out tears, for Wicca, for Gus, for Goth, for all of them.

"Hey hey hey...are you okay?" He asked, as I balled into his chest. I wiped my face and looked up at him.

"No but I will be. I'm just fragile too." Remembering what Gus said to me earlier.

"No matter what Sami- you're my best friend. I support you- and Gus, if that's what you want."
He hugged me again and I didn't even really have an answer for him in the moment.

All I could think of now was that it was still Gus' birthday and I hadn't come up with a plan of action yet. I was about to.

"Help me get some booze and shit? And maybe drugs? I want tonight to be perfect for him. It's his birthday and today's been utter shit." I begged.

He nodded. "We can't do much on short notice but- we can find a cool restaurant- good party favors. Something at least." I nodded as we left the club and ducked into the bus quietly.

I wanted to make tonight special for him.