Better Off (Lil Peep)

Chapter 27: Aftermath

Gus' POV

My head hurts as we ride away from Portland, Oregon. I wish right now I could just be alone. Samara almost died back there. It would've been my fault. I'm shook as I clean my blade in the bathroom sink. I look at my face. I'm looking at Peep- not at me in this moment. Gus wouldn't ever do any of these things. Would he?

I didn't kill Russ. But I did stab him pretty good in the thigh. Wicca got us out of there in minutes. All this over some stupid girl from days passed. I winced at the very thought. Layla was paranoid and asked me a million questions about Russ. I was truthful.

I pop a xanax because I'm way too up right now. Fuck. Nobody wants to say anything, but it's bad. Good thing the next two days are travel days. We're headed to the east coast, starting with Tampa and working our way around. I emerge into the living area. Pretty much everyone is sitting around, no one quite knows what to say.

"I'm so sorry about all of this." I choke out. I'm not going to let myself cry right now.

"Peep this isn't your fault" horse croaked. He was hurt bad. I felt my bottom lip tremble as I looked at his swollen bruising face. He's a mess.

"I still take responsibility. This shouldn't have happened." I demand.

"At least everyone's coming with us out to the east coast. It'll be a nice break." Wicca piped up. Samara is dead silent, Layla next to her.

"What happened to Russ?" Samara asks suddenly amongst everyone.

"I stabbed him- in the thigh. He'll be fine. Wicca created a diversion so we could get out." I explained flatly. I feel like I must sound like some maniac right now.

She doesn't respond. She only nods, Wicca puts his arms around her. She's not okay and I can tell. I couldn't believe Russ had brought her into this, and for what?

Goth has been quiet all night and he looks at me with knowing eyes. Something's definitely up with him.

Horse heads to bed, and most of the others follow one by one. I hug them all tight, each one of them, before they disappear for the night. It's just me, Layla, Wicca, and Samara of course. The situation couldn't feel more awkward and I'm not sure why.

"I'm sorry, baby, I wasn't there for you the way I needed to be tonight- I just get, protective in situations." Wicca whispered to Samara. She nodded.

"You saved us all. I know. Peep and I wouldn't have been able to get away."  She shrugs.

My heart stops when she calls me Peep. It's the first time it somehow doesn't feel right, she always has called me Gus, since we became best friends.

I look at her and she looks broken. I wished I hadn't caused all of this. Wicca gets up suddenly, and kisses Samara on the head. She almost flinches as they say goodnight but she doesn't move.

Seconds later, Layla is trying to pull me to bed but I can't sleep now. We almost argue but she bites her tongue and goes back to our bunk.

I pull Samara into the biggest hug ever. She hugs me back so tight. I feel her, literally shaking in my arms, she breaks down again. The tears come pouring out.

"I was so scared you were going to die, Gus." She whispered, I nodded.

"I was scared you were going to die! Never mind me. I'm gonna die soon anyways." I shrug. Maybe I didn't want to die now, but one of these days. I knew somehow I wouldn't make it to 25 and that fact had already settled with me.

"Gus I don't know what I'd do without you-"

"Same. Me either." I'm staring at her and she's crazy beautiful in a way that can't be explained.

It all happens so fast- I crash my lips onto her mouth and we kiss. I expect her to pull away from me but she kisses back even harder, we make our way to the couch, and I sit, as she straddles me, never breaking the kiss. It was deep and intimate as my hands made their way to her perfect little hips. She pulls away abruptly, staring back at me. Fuck.

"Gus we can't- we shouldn't- I-" she can't even find the words in this moment and neither can I.

"I know. I know. I'm sorry. Please don't hate me." I beg. In the moment I feel stupid- I have Layla and I care about her so much. And Sami had Wicca. I put the thought out of my mind. She's standing with her back to me. She turns, and sits next to me on the couch again.

"We don't have to ever talk about that again. It stays here." I whisper.

"Okay." she whispers back.

She rests her head on my shoulders. It's been a long fucking night. We have all tomorrow to sleep if we want. But I know her. I know her enough to know, she'll sit here with me, even if we aren't talking, until she's really tired so she can fall asleep.

"Hey Gus?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you hold me?" Is all she asks, resting her head in my lap.

"Yeah." I breathe. I hold her, and stroke her long black hair.

"Thank you for saving me today." She whispers after a few minutes.

"Always." I reply. I'm enjoying this too much, this entire night has been insane. I stabbed a guy over random old beef and I had just kissed my best friend

God dammit Gus, leave it alone. This isn't where you belong. You should be in bed with Layla.

But she's so perfect. Samara gets you in a way that Layla never will. You kissed her for a reason.

I silence the last part of my brain.

"I need to sleep." I mumble to her, helping her up, and making my way to bed to be with Layla.

"Oh, goodnight Gus."

"Goodnight"

I crawl into bed with Layla and she's fast asleep. I lay there with all the thoughts in my head, trying to smoke a bowl so I can maybe get some peace. I pop another xanax and I feel my problems all start to melt away.

I love Layla.

I love her more than anything, and I will never kiss Samara again.