Better Off (Lil Peep)

Chapter 20: Monday Morning

Samara's POV

It's Monday morning and I miss my two best friends. I wake up and the house is practically empty. I feel more than alone for the first time in what feels like forever. Wicca left me a handwritten note explaining he had to leave for the day unexpectedly and not to worry about him. He'd taken Horse with him, official clique business I was guessing. I sighed and put on clothes, at least trying to make an effort. I fixed my hair in the mirror and practically rolled my eyes. I needed a change.

Blue didn't really feel like me anymore, somehow. Black?! Was somehow the first color that came to mind, I'd barely had a natural color in years. Black. I decided, making a mental note to make a hair appointment.

I emerged from the bedroom with my laptop and went into the kitchen, in hope of maybe cooking myself breakfast. Avocado toast for a lazy vegan like me. Suddenly Luca was also in the kitchen, yawning and rubbing his eyes. It was a rare encounter considering he's always either out early or holed up in his room working on music. I half froze, almost nervous to be around him alone and in my vulnerable morning form. Why was I nervous? Maybe it was the idea that I could almost feel him stare at me. I brushed it off.

"Morning, Mar." his voice was gruff and sexy, he wasn't quite awake yet.

"Morning." I mumbled. I poured my shot of espresso and added almond milk. I made him a straight up americano. He grinned.

"Fuck, thank you dude." He acted surprised like. I didn't know how to make him his coffee. I'd seen him in Jett's and his regular order. I sighed, for a moment I missed the old apartment in the heart of the city.
"Yeah no problem." I looked at him. To be honest he was looking rough. Too much partying I suppose. Not enough sleep.

I sat alone on the couch, scrolling through the wedding photos to email the best ones out to them. The wedding was so untraditional and had an almost hippy vibe. The couple in the pictures were so happy, so perfect. I hardly retouched anything. Somehow in the midst of my editing I felt longing- for that kind of love. Undeniable and beautiful and real.

I cared about Wicca but he somehow still felt like a stranger to me. I had been on cloud 9 for almost a month- meeting the clique, being with Wicca, everything falling so perfectly into place that it made me question things for a second.

And things with Wicca were even more perfect than that. I hardly even talked to him, it seemed, but he treated me like this beautiful queen. We were still very much not together and we had even talked about it. How there was no need for a commitment or label on it yet. On some personal level I guess I just wanted to feel that I knew him more.

I had opened up a lot about things with him and he never seemed to do the same. In a way it bothered me but maybe I wasn't sure I needed to know what he'd say. I longed for- more, I guess.

My mind wandered and I hated myself for it. I wanted a relationship, I felt somehow. Was I even ready for that? I sighed. Things felt beyond lonely without my tribe around. I was the same old Samara in my head again, as if none of this had changed me. I was ready for more.

I texted Gus in hopes to ease this loneliness inside me. It was still morning and he probably wasn't up yet but it was worth a shot.

Me: hey bestie I miss u
Gus: hey u miss u too
Me: how's tour?
Gus: boring, just on the road wish u was here wit us
Me: three more weeks and all of us will be #tourlifefam
Gus: cant wait. lol tbh I was gonna text you earlier, couldn't sleep I have so much on my mind
Me: me too. why what's up?
Gus: ok judge me all u want but I know u r a hopeless romantic too...I met someone, again.
Me: what do u mean? I though Goth moved back in.
Gus: he did...but I don't think we're destined for anything more than friendship.
Me: & Emma?
Gus: it took me a grip, but I'm finally over her. this new girl is- she's something else. I don't know if she's good for me but, she kinda has me, u know?

I sighed heavily at Gus' words. In some twisted way I felt upset and maybe even jealous. He was so bent out of shape about Emma just a month ago, and then the idea of Goth, even moving him back in. I was worried about him, especially around some new girl who probably didn't know him like I did. I swear if she hurts him- I felt my first clenching at the thought and I snapped back into focus.

Me: I will always support u Gus- even when things are messed up, even when it's hard. If u like her, tell her that. Life's 2 short 2 not b happy.
Gus: I'm lucky 2 have u as my best friend. Ima tell her. I've been so beaten up about everything I wasn't sure what 2 do, but u r right. Life's 2 short 💕✨

I smiled. Gus Ahr was my love guru in times of need, and I the same to him. My heart thumped at the thought of him with this new girl- still worried half to death about him getting hurt once again. He was this fragile soul, that broke so easily, even if no one else saw that. I saw it. And I knew the real Gus.

Come to think of it, Gus might actually be the only person I feel like I really do know. Fuck.