Time Will Tell | ✔

Chapter 5 - Year I: The Suffering

time will tell

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Being stuck in the past instead of living in the now was one of the things I was very good at lately —and there weren't a lot of things I was good at. For example, I was good at blaming myself, damaging myself, torturing myself and most importantly: hating myself. I was truly and utterly hating the person I was and due to all the stuff that happened in the past, I wasn't able to forgive myself in order to continue my life the way I probably should. I was doomed — doomed to failure, doomed to suffer, doomed to be unhappy for the rest of my pathetic life.

It has been a whole damn year, 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days and I still couldn't move on or make peace with my past and I had a strong feeling that I would feel this way for the next thirty years and even further. I never thought that I could hate a person as much as I was currently hating myself. If only I could go back in time and change myself and everything that happened, I would within a heartbeat. 

I was stupid, so stupid. I was blinded by another person's mistakes, another person's sins, another person's stupidity and instead of being the stronger, more mature person, I proved to be even dumber. I didn't realize the damage I caused while it happened, but I had enough time to rewind those years every minute of the day now and the more I thought about it, the more the anger towards my own self kept rising. How could I have been such a despicable person?

I was an innocent soul when my significant other turned out to be a demon, a devil in disguise, my worst nightmare and she poisoned me with her venom, she introduced me to hell, turned my life upside down. I could never put into words how much she actually hurt me and I would never wish that type of pain upon anyone  — emotional pain, the worst type of pain there was. Being stabbed and played by a person you thought you had a future with was harsh and unhuman, it was ruthless and truly heartbreaking... but for some very stupid reason, I was the one who hurt another person, another innocent, pure and sweet soul the way the devil hurt me and that broke me from the inside out. 

Once I realized the actual damage I had caused, I felt nothing but disgust and hatred towards the person who stared back at me whenever I looked into a mirror. After that day, I promised myself to never hurt another person ever again and therefore, I decided to stay out of people's lives. I decided to avoid meeting new people, avoid making new friends, avoid females and relationships at all costs. I was a monster who spread nothing but negativity and unhappiness around, a monster who was the reason behind the scars on an innocent girls body who did nothing but love this evil monster even though he gave her millions of reasons not to.

She didn't see the monster in me, no. She only saw the person she wanted me to be, the person I pretended to be, the person she fell deeply in love with. Even after everything I had put her through, she still believed that we had a future and I always wondered how different our lives would have been if I had admitted how much I actually loved her when we still had a chance to work things out. I wondered how much greater our lives would have been if I had been honest towards her from the very beginning. 

I ruined it. I ruined everything. I ruined her, I ruined myself, I ruined her life, I ruined my life, I ruined her future, I ruined my future, I ruined her dreams, her hopes, her aspirations, her view on love. I ruined everything we could have had, everything we could have been, everything we could have become, simply everything. 

I put her through hell over and over again and she still didn't stop loving me. She truly loved me and I wondered how that was possible. She loved me and I let her go. She loved me and I treated her like a piece of trash instead of treating her the way she deserved to be treated. She loved me and I simply didn't cherish her. She was the most beautiful flower in my garden and I forgot to water her, forgot to take care of her, and most importantly: forgot to love her.