Time Will Tell | ✔

Chapter 17 - Unaddressed Letters

time will tell

"You have a way of coming easily to me
And when you take, you take the very best of me
You put up the walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there loving you, and wished them all away."

—Cold As You, Taylor Swift

—

I couldn't bare to sit in that diner any longer when Austin left, so I jumped straight into my car and drove somewhere I could be all by myself: the French Creek State Park. I usually always end up at the beach at around midnight because no single soul could be found there, but during the afternoon the beach was crowded and I simply wanted to be left alone. And although the French Creek Park tends to be just as crowded as the beach at around this time, I had a secret spot where I couldn't be disturbed. The only sound that distracted me was the soothing sound of birds chirping. I honestly loved the sound of it so much that I fell in love with this place.

Once I parked my car close to the river and walked a couple of minutes into the forest, I sat down on a huge piece of branch that had fallen down from a tree sometime in the past. I closed my eyes briefly and just inhaled the fresh air that was surrounding me before I focused on the letters in my shaking hands. A voice inside of my head kept telling me not to read them, but I had to. I already knew that the content of these letters would hurt me, but I owed this to myself.

I took another minute to stare at the blue sky above while tapping my right leg into the mud out of nervosity. Now or never. "Let's do this," I whispered in front of myself as I opened the first one out of the four letters Austin handed me. I practically felt my heart slide down into my belly once I was confronted with her handwriting. I can't do this. I am scared — way too scared. I'm scared to face the truth, I whispered to myself. Yes you can. You don't just owe it to Rose, but to yourself as well. You have to be confronted with the truth, my subconscious added.

When I finished unfolding the white piece of paper slowly, I put my left hand onto my chest and tried to slow down my rapid breathing in an unsuccessful way. My heart was about to jump out of my chest as I was starting to feel my anxiety crawl back into my mind. Even my teeth were clacking, creating a very disturbing sound. I pushed my eyebrows together and began to read whatever she had to tell me.

September 22, 2016

Miles,

I feel like this is the fivehundreth letter I've been wanting to write to you within those past months. I have no idea where to start or how to put my damn thoughts and all the pain into words, but I need to express all of it. I want you to understand how you've damaged me. I don't care whether this sounds horrible, but I want you to feel just as miserable as I do. I want you to feel even worse.

My life has gone downhill the day I have met you and I'm still trying to understand - still trying to figure out - why I was the victim of this mess. Why did I deserve to feel like this? Why did I deserve to endure this pain? Why did my heart become the victim of your attacks? I have never not once done anything bad to you, but you still decided to harm me.

After all, I still wonder: Did I not mean anything to you? Not even once? I mean you asked me for my love and when I gave you my all, you pushed me around and cut me out of your life. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to harm you or put you in any pain. All I ever wanted was to be happy. I wanted to be happy with you. I wanted to make you happy.