Time Will Tell | ✔

Chapter 25 - If We Had Never Met

time will tell

"Oh, what I wouldn't give for just a moment to hold
Because I live for this feeling, this everglow.''

— Everglow, Coldplay

-

I was still sitting on the cold hard ground with tears streaming down my face over and over again. I hadn't moved a slight bit ever since she left me here on my own because I didn't have any strength left in me anymore. This just hurt way too much. She basically told me to leave her alone in the nicest way possible, but her words still managed to shatter my broken heart into even tinier pieces. I did not deserve her —I never did.

I had no other choice but to surrender. It was over for me here. I had to accept that she chose him and not me. Sadly, there was nothing I could do about it. He made her feel safe, feel loved and cherished. He made her feel all the things I couldn't manage to make her feel when I had the chance to. "I surrender," I mumbled to myself. "Now it's time to move on somehow."

The sorrow drained right through me. I couldn't even find the right words to describe my sadness. It felt like death by a thousand cuts. Every time I remembered what I had lost, another new cut was added to my already wounded and damaged heart. I had a feeling this would never stop. Especially not now or in the near future. I felt hollow. I was a mere shell of what I had once been. It felt as if my inner self was locked in a cage surrounded by my demons and there was no way out. They kept haunting me.

I shook my head, swiping the remaining tears away with both of my hands as I tried to get rid of these dark thoughts and the voices inside my head. My phone was vibrating, but instead of answering, I decided to turn it off. I wanted to be left alone. I wanted to deal with this whole situation on my own. I didn't want people to pity me or tell me to move on because I was already trying my very best to let go of my past. It was just a very hard task and I was aware of the fact that I needed a lot more time than other people probably would.

My mind was trying its best to find a way to live in peace again. But how? I was drained of all hope. The emptiness within me was eating me alive like a hungry rat nibbling at my insides. Rose stole my heart a long time ago and in order for me to move on, she had to return what she had stolen. She already did, idiot. A hundred of times already. Stop looking for reasons to hold on to her with your dear life. She doesn't care about you anymore.

A cold breeze of air hit my face and a shiver ran down my spine immediately. It felt like there was no skin over my pain and the wind just made it bleed. But maybe I was the one who kept poking into my open wounds with a stick to make them bleed again. Why? Because what else was I supposed to do? It felt wrong to be happy, but it sure as hell didn't feel right to drown in my own agony.

You have a lot of invisible scars scratched all across your heart and soul, but you don't give yourself the time to heal. You don't give your body the time to reduce those scars since you keep adding more to your collection. Self-hatred, self-destruction and a low self-esteem. These three ingredients don't let your mind heal and therefore also don't let those scars fade in time someday. If love can fade, then so can all the pain in your heart and mind.

Why did it feel as if my demons didn't want to leave me alone then? Why did it feel like they wanted to bury me alive instead? Because of these thoughts and all the pain I had to endure, I truly never wanted to love anyone ever again. Apparently all you get out of it is loneliness. Love can be the greatest feeling in the world, but it can also damage your soul in the cruelest way. It can break your heart into tiny pieces instead of creating butterflies in your stomach. Unfortunately, this never ending loneliness kept reminding me of Rose and each time she captured my attention, I couldn't stop thinking about her - about her smile, her eyes, her scent, her touches...just everything.