I'll Wear Orange - (finished)

I'll Wear Orange - Mon coeur fait mal (my heart hurts)

This chapter is for everyone who had ever hurt, loved and lost.

Can you listen to the song while you read please. You'll get why at the bottom of the post. Thanks.x

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Diary, it is Tuesday. S.S.D.D - Same. Shit. Different. Day.

Today it feels more like D.S.D.W - Different. Shit. Same. Week.

Anyway, a friend of the family is staying with me at Cole's house for a while. He's somehow related to my dad's family. I can't say I'm being a very good host.

I am not coping well, neither is Dom, nor Chris nor their dad. Owen got worst last week, he collapsed. The ambulance came, and took him to hospital. He was in there for three days, before the doctors though he was stable enough to be sent home.

I went and saw him that day, and he didn't look well. He looked . . . ghostly and hollow and as if, if I poked him, he would shatter. I went back to Cole's, fixed myself some mango and yoghurt, watched a film then went to bed. When I woke up, I had 13 missed calls. All from Dom. Frantic messages telling me to get my ass out of bed and get ready and he would pick me up at 11, it was half 10 when I looked.

He told me, on the way to the hospital, that Owen had been throwing up blood all night, and then he started fitting. I didn't know what to expect when we got to the hospital. I guess you never know what to expect. I cried, and cried some more, into Chris's chest when they said Owens kidneys had failed, and he his condition had suddenly deteriorated. They said they had underestimated how aggressive the disease was attacking him. When doctors use the word 'Attack' to describe an illness, you should be scared and worried . . . even more than before.

The boys sent me home. Told me I needed to sleep and keep healthy, for the baby's sake. They haven't told their dad yet, and they didn't tell Owen.

I went home, and went to bed. I didn't sleep. I couldn't. I cried and cried; until I decided crying was pointless. I took some tablets, and tried to sleep. I tossed and turned until 3 in the morning before my eyes finally closed.

Friday, I woke up late, almost one in the afternoon. I called Dom, he said he would come and pick me up. He did. I got to the hospital and went to Owen room. He told Dom and Chris to keep me away from him; he didn't want me to see him like this. But it was too late. The glimpse through the door was enough. There was blood and bags, IV and other things. The monitor beeped erratically. His BP went up and up.

Then there was blood coming from his nose. He coughing and threw up more blood, then his eyes closed.

Dom and Chris were pushed out of the room by doctors on their ways in. Nurses appeared and told Collin to leave to.

My knees gave out when the doctor said he had flat-lined. '1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . clear' then he was shocked. I heard it, but I couldn't see it. 'Again,' the doctor said. He was shocked again and again after that. But he never came back.

I sank to the floor, I was in Dom's arms but it was like he wasn't there. He said my name so did Chris, and their Dad. I didn't see them, I didn't hear them. I just listened to the one long beep that stretched out through the hall. The doctor came out. He looked at Collin, as I looked up.

It was the look doctors give when they have bad news. Then he said what they all say, because they can't say the real words. 'I'm sorry,' he said, 'there was nothing more we could do for him. We underestimated the cancer.'

Collin punched the wall. I watched him disappear down the corridor after that. Like the shadow of himself. He wasn't really there, you could tell. Dom held me tighter. I let him. I was at the point where you can't cry, because there isn't anything left for you to cry out. Numb, and empty. That's how I felt. Chris put and arm round my shoulder and pulled himself to me and Dom.

The three of us sat on the floor in a huddle like penguins until a nurse asked if we wanted to go somewhere private. I was picked up. I closed my eyes, and didn't see who by. I didn't want to see they cry. I could hear them; I felt their tears drip off their chin and onto my arms. But if I couldn't see it, I hoped it wouldn't be real. It didn't work.

I went home with them that night. I was sandwiched between Dom and Chris on the sofa as she slept. We all held each other as if the other would evaporate. That's how it was on Saturday, none of us moved. We ordered Chinese that no one ate. Stared at the TV that wasn't on, and talked about the weather.

I went to the stabled on Sunday. But not even my horses made me feel better. Not even they could chase death away.

On Monday, my mum told me Red had sold. By September 4th he will be gone. That's another pebble gone from my beach.

Today I tried to draw. I sat facing Dom as he started at the piano in the music room. We all wanted Owen to be there, playing something. But he wasn't. I drew the first picture, focusing on his eyes, i tore it up. They looked to happy when he wasn't. Next I focused on his lips. That got torn up too. He looked like he was smiling when he wasn't. Next I tried to focus on his muscles. I tore that one up to, he looked to week and bony when he wasn't.

One picture survived, only because he took my sketchbook off of me. I don't it in ink, with my fountain pen. I thought it would look nice but I hated it. I focused on the piano, drew the keys and everything. But he liked him in it. He was at the bottom right hand corner, sitting with his knees draw up. He said it was good because it made it look like the piano made him sad and it was.

He laughed at the eyes though; one I had slipped and drawn a little line down his cheek. But as he laughed a tear splashed off his cheek and landed on his face on the picture. He said it was perfect. The tear landed on the line and smudged it. He said it made him looked like he was crying, and he was.

Dom stormed across the music room then, he took my pad with him. 'Grown men aren't meant to cry,' then he slammed the door shut.

I tried writing my stories today too, it didn't work very well. I killed most of my characters so I gave up and deleted everything. I Know I won't sleep tonight. But Cole says I have to try, so do Dom and Chris. Everything is for the baby's sake.

I'm sitting here though, thinking. I mean, Owen got annoyed and his BP went up because I was there, and he didn't want me to be. I killed him, and it hurts so bad to know it. If I hadn't gone, maybe he would still be alive. Maybe if I wasn't pregnant he would still be here.

A life for a life. That's what people say. So maybe he would have his life, if I didn't get pregnant. It's hard to want both. I want a baby, I want Cole, I want friends, and I want Owen back. I want too much and maybe, im being taught a lesson or something. For all the bad things I've ever done, God or whoever is taking everything away from me? I want so badly for the pain to go away. And I wondered today. What would a few extra tablets do? What would a few cuts do? What would I do for it to all go away? For all the pain to be gone? Cole talked to me for over an hour on the phone, most of the time, he just listen to me cry, without saying anything. Just silence with me sobbing, it wasn't very good phone call.

It said I cant hurt myself, because ill be hurting him. Which made me feel guilty? I don't want to hurt him. I just want my pain to go away. But that will never happen. Not while the bad things keep happening.

Because it used to make him smile when I talked different languages, - Repose en paix, Owen. Nous allons tout ce que vous manquez, et je vous aime encore. Tu n'es plus là, mais vous ne sera jamais oublié. Elle va nous manquer votre musique

And in English for everyone else - Rest in peace, Owen. We will all miss you, and love you still. You're gone, but you will never be forgotten. We will miss your music.

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I dont think there is anything people can say to make you feel better, theres a hole, and it wont be filled. Remember all the people you have loved and lost, and let yourself cry because sometimes crying is good. Even if it doesnt solve problems.

That song up top, was one of Owens favorite pieces of Music. I'd like it if people listened to it while they read the chapter, because he used to play it to me. It's on constant replay on my ipod at the minute. Just so I can feel a little closer to him.