Solby | Give Me Love

8. These Four Walls

   People say who you are as a person and how you feel is influenced by your environment.

   Colby lives in a mansion, vaste and bright, with positive and happy people. He should be just like them, right ?

   He's not.

   And he doesn't know why.

   He has everything anyone could ask for : A roof over his head, amazing friends, a supportive family and incredible fans.

   So why is he... depressed ?

   He has no clue on why he feels this way. He could be happy, he should be happy but happiness doesn't want him. It hasn't for a while now.

   He has so many things to say yet no words to put those thoughts into. It's like wanting to scream after losing your voice, no matter how hard you try, it's never going to work.

   He's lost. So lost.

   He thought he was making progress. He'd started eating more and had actually gone outside by himself. For a moment it felt like everything was slowly being put back in place, until it crashed down all over again. For no reason.

   Even his friends seem to notice his downfall and he's not sure if he's happy about that. More questions, more concern, more pressure. He doesn't want to bother them with his problems, he's fine, totally fine. We all go through a bad phase in our lives. However Colby's feels like it's dragging on forever and he doesn't believe he's strong enough to overcome it. He doesn't even have the energy to get out of bed anymore, all he does is stare at his wall, oh that wall that always reminds him of Sam.

   Confused, worried, the blonde's spent more time in Colby's room than his own lately. He'd try to get his best friend to say something but as much as the brunette wants to, it's just not worth it. How is Colby supposed to talk about the situation if he doesn't even understand what's happening ? Sam feels helpless, Colby feels hopeless. None of them knows what to do, they're both lost in different ways. The roommates have tried planning things, they keep finding excuses for the boys to get out of the house. Sadly Sam's the only one who shows up, sunken eyes and always this same faint, fake grin on his lips. He doesn't get much sleep since he's always up with Colby, doing all the talking while the brunette stays silent. He found out that most of the time, it's easier for Colby to fall asleep to the sound of his best friend's voice, so he talks about anything and everything. He talks about their memories together, the countries they've visited, the crazy things they've done thanks to Elton. Words spill out of his mouth as the only genuine smile Colby ever wears appears on his face. Sam tells the boy that those aren't the only happy memories they'll make together and that there's no doubt in his mind that their future is bright, although Colby can't see it at the moment. The days blend into a big blur as the two boys have set a routine : Meeting in Colby's room every night and cuddling while the brunette is enjoying the sound of his other half's soft voice, quiet tone that is somehow louder than his demons.

   Demons.

   He doesn't have the will to fight them anymore. He's come to the conclusion that they're stronger than him, that they've won. He's holding onto Sam because it's the only thing that manages to calm them down. Colby's feelings for Sam are driving him crazy yet he's never saner than when he's with the blonde. It's such a foreign concept that he still doesn't quite process.

   He looks up, after yet another day stuck in his room, at the sound of his door opening and a weak smile makes its way to his face. A wave of relief washes over him, he's heard the blonde leave the house a couple hours ago and thought he wouldn't be back before sunset, when the voices always grow louder. It's like the sunlight scares them away but they come back stronger than ever at night. It's terrifying.

   "I brought you food." Sam whispers, holding a plastic bag up with a label that Colby knows all too well.

   Sam's aware of his best friend's non-existent appetite, but he still tries. He can't stand to watch Colby get smaller and smaller as the days go by, he's scared to hold him tight because he feels like the boy's bones are going to break with every movement. He's stopped trying to convince him to eat, he'd just bring in the food and let the brunette decide whether or not he's going to touch it. Colby smiles appreciatively at the blonde, guilt filling his body because he knows that he's most likely going to eat only a tiny portion of it. Sam wastes no time to kick off his shoes and climb onto the disheveled bed before snaking his arms around the fragile boy's waist as if it was natural for him. Colby inhales deeply, breathing in Sam's familiar cologne. He rests his head on the other's shoulder, just like every other night, and closes his eyes, waiting for Sam to speak.

   "Brennen and Elton stopped by again."

   Colby knows.

   He heard them pull over in the driveway, their distant laughter had filled his ears but unlike it used to, the sound didn't bring a smile to his face. Instead it'd made him realize how much he missed his friends but also how he couldn't let them see him like this. They'd pity him and Colby doesn't need that. Brennen and Elton entered the house and came to Colby's door but he never answered, leaving his friends to get more upset by the seconds. The two are definitely not the most patient when it comes to the brunette's well-being, especially since the roommates have kept them both updated on the situation. Colby knows they all mean well but for him, it's useless, they're wasting their energy on someone who doesn't deserve it.

   "Brennen and Kyra broke up."

   Then Sam moves on to explaining everything Brennen's told him earlier. Colby can't bring himself to feel bad for his other best friend, even though it's obvious that the boy cared a lot for his (now) ex-girlfriend. He listens to Sam carefully, trying to keep up with everything that he's missed, allowing himself to slip out of his mind for a bit.

   And as Sam goes on and on about life, Colby can't help but feel grateful for having the boy in his life. The blonde is like a ray of light in the darkness of his heart and man does Colby love him so much.