Only One

Chapter Fifteen

[edited]
I walked across the road hugging myself trying to keep warm. It got cold. Maybe I could build myself a fire. That sounds nice. Maybe I could make s'mores too. I always relax around fires. Maybe I needed some time to relax. At one in the morning. Good thing it's summer. Otherwise I would be tired all the time. I didn't bother going inside. I went straight for the backyard towards our fire pit. I gathered logs from the stack of wood we have and then went to the shed next to the pool. We kept everything in there that we needed outside. Even our s'mores supplies.

It was a real convenience. I had the fire built within minutes and I was sitting in the chair I brought out seconds after. It was warm and comforting. I listened to the crackling of the wood and watched as the ashes and sparks drifted up into the night. I had the reoccuring thought of what Mom would say, or do if she found me out here. Would she ground me? Would she yell? Would she leave? "No," I said aloud. I can't think like that. I pushed all the thoughts about Mom to the back of my mind. Instead of thinking about Mom, I thought about someone who was constantly finding a way into my mind. Parker. I loved him since I was fourteen. Two of those four years from then we haven't spoke. But now we were, but when we were speaking we were unhappy and cranky. That's not how I want to talk to people. Especially not him.

I wanted to be friends more than anything. Nothing more. I missed having someone to talk to. Someone I could rely on and tell my secrets to. But that person was gone. I don't know who he is anymore, let alone who I am. I mean yes I know my name and birthday and what I look like, but I'm talking about how I feel. I have no idea what to feel anymore. I'm mad half the time at everything, at the world, at myself. I'm furious with Mom for not being there for me and for not caring for me like any other mom would. I mean she doesn't do anything.

And it doesn't help with all the stress that puts on me. I mean having to do everything a parent would do at the age of eighteen. That's part of the reason for my failed suicide. I've found ways to take care of it. I was leaving in the middle of August anyways. I was just afraid of how mom would deal with that. Since I would be gone there were always questions about the situation on my mind. Would she carry on going to work? Would she stay in the house forever? Would she continue to live her life? I didn't know the answers to the questions. Even if I asked the questions, she wouldn't tell me. She never does.

It was lonely living my life the way I do. I don't deny it. And the worst part about it is that when I actually try to talk to her, she doesn't answer me. She gives me a sad look, turns away, and doesn't look at me. I gave up trying a long time ago. All I do now is knock on her door, leave the food on her night stand and then leave. I miss her. I'm not going to lie. I miss Dad too. I miss my best friend. I miss the life I had three years ago. The life where I had friends, and a family who cared. But no, I had to keep one secret and let it turn into one big mistake. I leaned my head back in the chair and looked up at the stars. They were so pretty. I looked for all th constellations I knew. Which were only the Big Dipper and the Little Dipper. I'm not an astronemor as you can tell.

Other stars shone bright and others shone dull. It reminded me of the many moments in my life. I sighed and lifted my head from the back of the chair. I reached over to the other chair where I set the graham crackers, marshmallows, bars of chocolate, and the marshmallow roaster sticks. I grabbed the marshmallows and the stick. I slid two marshmallows on and held them over the fire. Maybe I could drown the pain and sorrow I was feeling in multiple s'mores. I just hope it works.
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Well that got kind of deep. Hope y'all enjoying the book.
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