hi ur not ready for this chapter
dan
"i don't know why you have to be such an attention seeker"
"i'm not taking back what i said"
my cheek is smushed against phil's chest, his fingers playing with my hair gently, and his heartbeat synchronising strangely with arctic monkeys playing on his phone because i didn't want to waste my battery. the words he said still continue to bother me, even though i'm sure i don't feel sourly towards him.
but that might just be my heart being a biased piece of shit.
i mean i'm not denying it, i am, as phil said, an attention seeker in some situations but that's just because i have a fear of not being socially accepted and sometimes that fear consumes my rationality and makes me an asshole. now that's not an excuse, i'm aware, just a reason.
i shift, suddenly uncomfortable because i feel like phil hates me and as soon as we're back home we'll go back to not talking and glaring at each other in school and groaning at forced family dinners but i really don't want that. i don't know if he feels the same way and there's barely two more nights i can spend with him like this—like we're best friends (or more) and like there isn't anyone else in his world except me.
i'm starting to feel desperate and clingy and annoying because my thoughts are so unbelievably intrusive, foolish and wrong, so i shift away completely from phil and sit up abruptly—not a wise decision considering now i'll have to answer phil's questions about what's wrong.
"what's wrong?" there it is. i bury my face in my hands, not shocked at how heated my cheeks feel in my clammy palms.
"dan? is everything okay?" i can feel him move around and sit up next to me, his fingers reaching out to touch my shoulder gently and i take a deep breath. should i do it? no, i can't do it. can i do it? what the hell.
"will you hate me when we get back home?" i babble and my voice sounds weirdly small so i clear my throat, my teeth sinking into my lower lip out of embarrassment. god, why the hell did i say that?
his fingers slip from my shoulder and he folds his hands in his lap before frowning.
"i-i don't know dan, i mean it's not like we're great friends," my heart literally stops.
"oh," i squeak. fuck fuck fuck—i will my atheist self to pray to every god possible to stop me from crying because i can't do that.
"are you-are you crying? fuck oh my god i'm sorry i was just kidding i promise," fucking phil. he's such a dick. i feel my lungs fill back with air and i wipe my eyes aggressively. when his hand reaches out to touch my thigh i slap it away and glare at him with red eyes.
"fuck off, i hate you," i shift further away from him and he just whispers oh my god to himself before shifting towards me and grabbing my hand so i can't go further away.
"i promise i was just kidding! i didn't mean it at all, i had so much fun and you're such a great person and i like you so much and—" my heart stops again, but for different reasons. my ears fill with the pounding of my own heart and i can't focus on the rest of his rambling because my fingers are literally shaking. i mean that's exaggerating but i can definitely feel the rush of adrenaline.
"y-you like me?" i blurt and its barely a mumble, they aren't even comprehensible words.
"what?" his cheeks flush immediately and his eyes widen.
"you said you like me," i purse my lips and watch as his face flushes with more colour and then pales and then his fingers are loosening their grip on my wrist.
"i-i didn't, i didn't mean to say that," the fact that he doesn't deny it makes the blood rush faster, quicker, and i'm literally lightheaded because i can't believe this is happening. i don't know what to say, i mean i do but i don't know how to say it and my mouth opens and closes on its own accord, no words escaping my throat.
"i'm really sorry i shouldn't have said that, i was just, i'm really sorry—" he begins rambling again and his eyes fall down to his hands and he looks so scared and guilty and his lips look so soft and i. . .i kiss him.
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i was feeling soft thanks also don't pay attention my writings thanks pt.2
