phil
the alarm blares loud and unforgiving the next morning, and i curl in the opposite direction in the hopes of finding dan's warm body next to mine, only to get the sleeping bag wrap tighter around myself in the most uncomfortable of ways. when i open my eyes, the darkness of the tent overwhelms me, and when i replay what happened last night in my mind, it causes my head to ache just a little.
i sigh, shutting off the alarm and stretching my arms above my head, finding my glasses in the blinding darkness and putting them on just so the black static around me is a little clearer. i can see the outline of dan's body next to mine, a big slump under the thick sleeping bag breathing heavily, and i reach up to turn the flashlight on.
i can physically feel my pupils contract and i shield my eyes with my arms momentarily and once my body is accustomed to the bright light, i run my fingers through my hair, a slight movement of dan's body distracting me from the action.
i watch as his closed eyelids squeeze together and he moves his head trying to escape the sudden brightness, and within a few seconds he's completely tangled in his sleeping bag and his eyes are fluttering open.
"where the fuck are my arms?" he mumbles sleepily trying to get out his arms from the tightly wrapped sleeping bag and i laugh involuntarily, causing his head to turn towards me. he looks at me with a hateful glare in his eyes and i shut up automatically, biting my lip and looking away from him.
five minutes of silent rustling and unspoken words later, dan finally sits up and stretches his arms above his head, a small groan leaving his lips. i turn my head to look at him again, and just as my eyes land on his face, he snaps his head to the front as if he's been watching me. his cheeks turn pink and he fiddles with his hair and god he looks so cute right now i want to--nothing. no, no, no, i can't continue to be attracted to him.
the air is suddenly thick and i don't know if its because of my own thoughts or because dan and i haven't said a single word to each other. i choose to believe neither, and push the sleeping bag off my body to get out of the tent.
dan follows me silently, still not saying a word, and we push our feet in our shoes and begin the walk towards the main camp ground. he walks even further now that we aren't talking at all, and his soft dimples and pink cheeks are replaced by his closed off expression and a deep scowl.
he looks just as unapproachable as he did on the first day of camp.
i sigh, pushing my glasses up the bridge of my nose and stuffing my hands in my pockets, trying to somehow escape this loud silence. my ears are so full of it that i can barely hear my feet dragging through the gravel or the distant chirping of the birds that perch upon all these tall trees in the early mornings. it's absolute hell.
+
my eyes search for dan in the breakfast hall but he's nowhere to be seen. i scan the group of people that he used to hang out with but i can't see the familiar mop of chestnut hair, and so, naturally, i panic. i know he's probably in the tent, trying to avoid me but he hasn't eaten anything since last night and we had a pretty hardcore workout this morning and the fact that he's skipping breakfast worries me more than it should.
i shove a few bread slices in my mouth and buy a packet of cookies for dan before making my way back to the tents. what the hell is his problem? he has no right to sulk around like this. he told me that he doesn't like boys, therefore he doesn't like me, and therefore he is not getting his heart broken. it's not like we have been best of friends since we were born. it's only been a fucking week, and just because i was a little closed off doesn't give him any reason to behave like this.
i get more and more frustrated with each step to the tents and i take a few deep breaths once the tent is in sight. i don't want to lash out on him but if he acts like a baby again, i swear to god he's going to have it. i take off my shoes and step inside the tent, and dan raises his head, one of the earbuds falling from his ears.
he ignores me, looking away quickly and shifting his body in the opposite direction, but before he can put the fallen earbud back in, i speak up.
"why didn't you come for breakfast?" i ask him, sitting down on my mattress and looking at him with a questionable glance.
"what does it have to do with you?" he replies, rolling his eyes slightly and i take a deep breath for the sixth time.
"you haven't eaten anything since last night," i state calmly and watch his cheeks flush. "have this," i slide the packet of cookies towards him and he watches it for a moment before slapping it away.
"no thanks,"
"honestly what the fuck is your problem? why the hell are you sulking?" i yell out of anger and he pulls out his earbuds completely before looking at me with his eyebrows drawn together.
"i can do whatever the fuck i want," his passive tone annoys me further and he has a hint of a smirk on that pretty mouth of his as if he knows what his words are doing to me. fuck, he can be the most annoying person if he wants.
i don't really want to continue the argument with him but i don't want us to sit in silence again, so i run my fingers through my hair and pull at it just slightly to help myself calm down.
"look, i'm sorry for the way i behaved yesterday. i don't have an explanation for it but everyone has days like that and you have no reason to be mad at me just because my mood was a little off," i lie right to his face but good for me he seems to believe it, his expression softening slightly as he tangles his fingers together in his lap.
"you could've just talked to me about it," he shrugs, cheeks darkening in colour as if our distance was really bothering him and i don't know if i should feel happy about it or just be confused.
"i know, i'm sorry okay? i didn't know it would bother you this much," i tell him, and the flushed colour of his cheeks travels down his neck and stains the collar of his shirt.
"i-i wasn't bothered i just didn't expect the sudden, um, coldness," he hesitates to say the words and once again dan howell has me confused as to what he really thinks about our relationship.
"i'm sorry," i don't know what else to say. "will you eat something now please?" i plead and he smiles half heartedly before nodding.
"fine,"
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why do i even try sorry for this shit chapter but still hope u appreciate it ?? im really sorry
also hru all im currently stressed about financial management
