𝕥𝕠𝕠 𝕝𝕒𝕥𝕖 • 𝕞.𝕔

chapter 11

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   I stayed here for a few minutes, still, waiting for him to pull away. But he didn't. No, instead, he rested his head on the top of mine, the sound of his breathing getting heavier. I had never thought that once, we'd be embracing each other like this; it felt so... Intimate. 

And I knew that I had shared things way, way, way more intimate with him -what an idiot I had been- but now, it was different. As if all of these walls we had both built to hold us away from each other were starting to tumble down. I understood his point of view, or at least, I tried my very hardest to.

But it wasn't that easy; with him being so quiet and vague, all of the damn time.

   I adjusted my face, so it was right in the crook of his neck. He smelled something like clean laundry, and some other thing I couldn't put my finger on. But it was pleasing, and here, sheltered in his arms, I started feeling relaxed more and more. I could have fallen asleep, my forehead touching the sensitive skin of his neck, and my eyes shut. He wasn't moving either, I could feel him holding me a bit tighter from time to time to make me feel good, welcome, and at home.

   I knew he wasn't exactly the person I wanted to have a child with, or that I would never have picked him as a boyfriend if I hadn't been drunk that night. And I still didn't want to be romantically involved with him, after seeing the kind of person he could be. We were extremely different, and just not compatible.

He hadn't really tried to make me feel reassured until now, but now I just realised that maybe, he had meant to do it all along; but hadn't found the words to say, or the right things to do.

"Are we going to stay like this for the whole night?" he asked, a few minutes after. The movie was still playing in the background.

I wanted to kiss him, but then remembered what was going on, and got my spirits back. "Thanks."

"You're welcome," he pulled away, and ran a gentle hand through my hair. He tried to move forward, and as I saw him approaching, I recoiled.

"We can't," I sighed, disgusted about rejecting him. "I am sorry."

He shook his head. "Sorry, my... Jerk instincts came back."

"You're not a jerk," I smiled. To myself, mostly. "Or you wouldn't have understood, and thrown me out."

"I understand, though."

"Can I stay for the night?" I finally asked, looking at the time. It was late, already, and I didn't like being in the tube at that time. I should have thought about it twice before coming over at his house, but obviously, I had been stupid and had forgotten about it.

He looked at me in the eyes, then back at the telly, before his gaze met mine again. "Yeah."

•••

"I don't like many things, actually," Michael sighed, staring at the ceiling.

   I chuckled at his words, adjusting my position so I was looking at the white surface above our heads, as well. I felt kind of awkward at first, laying on his bed next to him, so close yet so distant. I didn't dare touching him, in fear of freaking him out. Even though we knew that we were above all of that; although we were pretty much strangers, something now was happening between us, but I couldn't figure out how it truly made me feel.

"Ooooh, edgy," I finally said. "Not even kittens?"

"I used to have one, but it got ran over when I was ten. Its name was Teddy."

I furrowed my eyebrows. "Man, I'm sorry about that. Did you use to live in Australia before that?"

"Yeah," I could hear nostalgia in his voice. "I did, and I miss everyone back home, but my life is here, now. I finally feel like I've settled down, grew up a little. I am not like I used to be when I was eighteen, trust me. I was a lot worse than I was now."

"How so?"

"I did things with girls, you wouldn't even want to know," he spoke steadily. "I had two at once, one time. But it was easy. I felt lonely. You know, they never tell you how celebrity is going to be, Lee. You never know how... Lonely you're really going to feel. I had my band mates, but we got popular so quickly, and then we just kind of got... Lost. I had no one to keep me grounded, so I ended up going insane. I didn't have anyone to keep me grounded at the time, so that probably was the problem. I'm that type of person who needs somebody by his side. I thought that surrounding myself with fake love, sex and alcohol would make me happy. But I found out soon enough that I was wrong. I was just lost."

"I am sorry, I never knew about it all."

"Yeah, it's alright," he shrugged. "They just tried to bring me down, I got told things I don't ever want to hear again. They wanted to knock me down. But they haven't. Yet."

He spoke with such tenderness, I had almost forgotten for a second that he apparently used to be a heart breaker, hooking up with groupies to fill the void inside of his heart. "You sound like a good person."

"Thank you," he finally choked out. "I want to believe that I grew up, but I miss everything about when I wasn't famous. Even the girls not liking me. That was a thing, no one used to like me."

"If that can make you feel a little happier," I looked at him, but he didn't look back. "I wasn't going to come and talk to you at this party, I was just doing what my friends had asked me to do."

"So you didn't really like me?" he asked.

I wanted to scream, I do, now, but I kept quiet. 

"I don't really know what my type is, I haven't had much experience with boys. I have dated this boy when I was nineteen, and that was pretty much it. Boys never really looked at me, but to be fair, I didn't really come to them either. I'm more of the shy type."

"I understand," he said. "You're pretty, though."

I hadn't heard many boys saying this to me before, so I swallowed the lump in my throat, and reached for his hand. He didn't pull it back, and interlocked my fingers with his. We didn't say anything for a long moment, the sound of our breathing being the only audible thing in the room.

His hands were tough, but feeling his skin against mine felt just right.

"Thank you," I finally answered. "Thank you so much."

"I hope you realise it, sometime. I am not used to say things like this, but I... I mean it, you know. You are a great person, from what I've seen of you so far."

"I don't think I've said it to you before, but I think you have nice eyes. I'm a sucker for that," I smiled, looking at him. He wrinkled his nose, as if to refuse what I'd just said, so I repeated it. "You have very nice eyes."

   He then took a deep breath, and rubbed his thumb on the back of my hand. I could see he wanted to move closer, but refrained himself in the last second. He just laid there, his eyes in mine, and whispered.

"Thank you."

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