𝕥𝕠𝕠 𝕝𝕒𝕥𝕖 • 𝕞.𝕔

chapter 36

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   I heard the a clicking noise at the door, and that is when I knew he was there. The seconds it took for him to walk through the threshold felt like slow motion; I just watched as he entered, not knowing what to say.

Every angry speech I had seemed to be preparing for the whole day had disappeared the second I had seen his face, and when he smiled at me, I saw a million shining stars, but it only made me grow angrier. With his stupid angel face and his lovely smile, he had that power on me.

   I stared at him from the sofa, where he put down his bag. He was wearing the same shirt as when he had left three days ago, and his hair looked visibly dirty. He ran a hand through it, and I turned around to focus back on the film. The whole apartment was dark, except for the light of the television.

   I had been angry at him missing the appointment. But most of all, I was furious because he had let the hours pass by without even giving me a call, or a text. He had ignored my calls, and so had Luke and Calum. I was feeling as if I was ready to explode at any moment; and the sound of his breathing made my heart race, as if my skin was getting too tight on my body; my heart felt like it was being squished repeatedly, and I hated that feeling. Anger. I despised the way it all made me feel. For Goodness' sake, he was the one who meant the most to me, and he hadn't shown up, or bothered to call.

And if it was considered clingy to feel that way, then, there was a serious problem with people.

"I'm sorry I didn't make it," he finally sighed.

I cocked my head to the side, and furrowed my eyebrows. "Are you, really?"

"Yeah," he just nodded.

"Well, I'm sorry, too, for expecting you to be here."

"What do you mean?"

"What I mean," I stood up, now facing him. He was looking down at me with his hands on his hips. "Is that somewhere in my heart, I knew that you wouldn't be back in time."

"Then why'd you ask me to come?" he simply asked, as if nothing was wrong.

"Because," I started talking louder, my firsts clenched tight. "Because I felt like it was your duty to come to this God damn appointment with me. And do I get a call? A text? Nothing! Because you were out here getting pissed although you knew there was something you needed to be present for in the morning."

"I didn't get that drunk!"

"You sounded like it. Anyway, that's not even the problem," I retorted bitterly. "The problem is that you didn't keep your promise."

"You are seriously overreacting," he shook his head. "Are you going to stop bitching?"

"Whatever," I muttered angrily, turning around to go to the bedroom. "I don't feel like arguing."

"And then what?" he shouted. "And then you're going to wake up tomorrow and still be mad? I am sorry I didn't come to that stupid appointment, if only you weren't so demanding!"

"Excuse me?" I turned around, and popped my head through the door frame, staring at him in disbelief. "I am demanding? I just asked you to come for one appointment! One, Michael! And you are blowing up on me because I asked you to come to, let me repeat, that one appointment? What you're doing is not okay."

"What is wrong with you?" he yelled. I wanted to cry, because all of my frustration was growing inside of my body, and I felt like I was sinking under the weight of all my emotions. It was too much. "Actually, I'm going to tell you what, Lee! You only think of yourself, and you are demanding, as if I owe you an explanation for why I was late! Are you stupid or something?"

"Michael!" I screamed back. "Who do you think you are talking to?"

"You really are such a brat," he shook his head, eyes dark and squinted. His gaze on me made me feel even terrible. "You know what, Lee Mann? This was a mistake. This is a mistake. You really got me good, with this whole pregnancy bullshit thing."

"What is a mistake? Do tell, Michael."

"I can't," he ran a hand through his hair angrily, and grabbed his bag.

"Are you serious?"

"You are a mistake! The baby is a mistake, the night we spent together is a mistake, this wasn't meant to be, and this happened, and I regret every single bit of it, Lee. I regret even looking at you in the first place, I am so angry, I feel like I can't breathe properly, but I fucking hate all of this. I fucking hate everything. I wish we'd never met."

"If you hate everything, then, you'd better go now," I just said, trying to keep my voice steady. His last words had felt like I had been repeatedly stabbed in my whole body, and I wasn't sure I could even think straight. "You pulled this shit on me once. I will live. Leave."

"I will, alright?" he said. He walked towards the front door, and took one last look at me.

"You do know that if you leave, you don't get to come back."

"That's fine with me," he replied quickly, and left.

   And here I was. Feeling as if everything inside of me was shattering, like my very soul was being broken, torn apart by him. I wanted to tell myself that it was just a fight, and that we would get over it, but we had never talked to each other like that.

I heard his footsteps in the stairs, and just collapsed in my bed, everything feeling as if it was breaking down around me. I stared at the wall blankly, wanting to shed tears. But I couldn't. There now was this lump in my throat, as I tried to recall what exactly he had meant.

   I wanted to believe that it wasn't over, that the baby would be born and that we'd be fine. But the way I had been treated right this moment was enough for me to change my mind completely. I wanted him to be here, and I wished that I didn't blame myself. But I felt as if it was all my fault, obviously, and I had the feeling that he wouldn't come home, this time. It made me feel sick, and even then, I couldn't feel much. Or all at once, I couldn't discern it.

   I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted for him to apologise and tell me that it was all okay, I wanted to apologise too, because we both knew it was no one's fault. Or both of us'. I didn't feel alive, at that very moment. I felt as if I was dying, my breathing was heavy, and I didn't know how to feel. There was this sinking sensation at the pit of my chest, and it wouldn't leave.

   So I closed my eyes, tried to fall asleep. Hoping that things would get better in the morning, but with the haunting sensation that it wouldn't.

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