𝕥𝕠𝕠 𝕝𝕒𝕥𝕖 • 𝕞.𝕔

epilogue

•••

"No, Lee, you have to hold her head, be careful," Michael whispered gently, placing her in my arms.

"Michael, I know, I've been holding her these past days, I know how it works."

"I'm just saying."

   Today was the day. We were finally leaving the hospital, this place that even with the days spent there, never did quite feel like home. I had tried to get accustomed to it, but it was difficult, and the fact that we were able to go home today, as a family, made me beyond satisfied and content. 

   A family. Wasn't it strange how I called it that? I liked this term, just as much as I loathed it. Michael and I weren't totally family. Jasey was linking us, without any doubt, but we weren't family. Not at this point. We were girlfriend and boyfriend, and we loved each other dearly, but certainly not to the point where we would get married and carry on being together for our whole life. I didn't think we would. I loved him, so much, but I obviously thought that I would either have to marry him, or break up with him. When you were dating someone, those were the two options that were offered to you; and you had to pick. And I wasn't quite sure and ready yet, so I tried not to overthink, although I knew this was what I did best.

    Both of our personalities were different. I was fully aware of that, and kept on wondering how it would be, now that the baby was born, and that we would be... A normal couple. (Somewhat normal). Bearing each other, trying to understand our quirks, things that made us who we were. Because we knew and understood each other, but what would be the finality of it all? Maybe he would go back to being busy with work and I'd take care of Jasey and work, as well, and maybe we would drift apart. Although I doubted it, you never knew what the future held. We were matching, but in all kind of strange ways. We were different. As I had said before, he was the fire, and I was the water. If I took over him and decided to control him, I would extinguish his burning, blazing personality.

And I refused for it to happen. Not again, shit.

"I really do hope Ashton put the baby seat right."

"I thought you were driving."

"He gave me a ride today. I'm kind of worried about it, you never know what he could do."

I shook my head and grinned as we both got out of the room, Jasey comfortable settled in her baby seat, Michael holding it carefully as we got out of the room. The sight of these two made me smile to myself, and I looked down at the ground, avoiding my boyfriend's beautiful eyes. When I looked up, he was staring, waiting for the elevator to get to our floor. He tried to wink, but failed, and laughed, and I chuckled as well, happy to know that he was here.

   I don't think I had quite felt happiness before. Like him, I saw that as something futile, something you'd learn about in philosophy class. They would always say that in life, being happy wasn't what mattered the most. Kant even said that the goal in life wasn't to be happy, but worth of having happiness. And that was the biggest load of bullshit I had ever heard. I was a complicated person, who was selfish, silly, and impulsive, who had done things I wasn't proud of, but I sure as hell deserved to be happy. And, fuck Kant if he didn't agree.

   What was happiness, anyway? Was it being so comfortable in your own skin you felt like you could fly? Was it a feeling of relief, or the realisation that your life, as unextraordinary as it was, was so disturbingly beautiful? I didn't know. I couldn't place my finger on the exact meaning of that word. I could say I felt happiness at many occasions. To me, happiness was what I felt when I saw Michael's face smiling at me. When I looked at Jasey, and her little eyes. Happiness was realising that I wasn't as weird as I thought I was. Happiness was hearing Michael hum his favourite songs in the morning, when he thought I couldn't hear. Happiness was being with him, with them, and feeling at home. That was it. It was coming home.