𝕥𝕠𝕠 𝕝𝕒𝕥𝕖 • 𝕞.𝕔

chapter 23

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Waiting in the hospital room, I was sitting here, Michael not by my side. 

I was still shaken about the way Ashton had spoken to me the other day. It hadn't sunk in- and what had hurt the most was to think that I would use the baby, an actual living being to keep Michael by my side. How twisted was it all- just thinking about it made me want to cry until I could hardly breathe. I wanted for Michael's friends to think that I was a great person, but somehow, I had managed to make the wrong impression. And it was painful to know that it had been this way even though I had tried my hardest. 

I wanted for it all to be over, so I could go back to a somewhat normal life. I sat here, re-reading the stupid magazine I had been holding for the last twenty minutes. My fingers were nervously tapping on the pages, waiting for it to be over.

   I put the magazine back at its place and crossed my arms over my big belly, getting more comfortable in my big sweater. It was mid-September already, and the weather was getting considerably colder. You couldn't step outside without a jacket or big jumpers anymore, summer was over for sure. I sighed, remembering that I was already seven huge months in, and that soon enough, the baby would be here. I didn't know how much would have changed between Michael and I until then; I had been distant, although I hadn't meant to. I had been deeply hurt by Ashton's comments, and for some unknown reason, I felt as if I had to detach myself from Michael. 

With this baby, maybe, just maybe, I was stealing his freedom, the liberty he loved so much. And I kind of disliked myself for that.

   When the doctor Stone called me, I stood up as rapidly as he could, and joined him in the cabinet. I sat down on the chair, and let out a deep sigh.

"Is it getting harder to move?" he asked, smiling.

"I'm quite good, actually," I reassured him. "It's just, I'm not used to it."

"Obviously not. How's Michael? Is he doing fine?"

I bit my lip. "Well, he is, he's just at work so he couldn't come today."

"Busy lives," he commented. "Okay, Lee... Can I call you like this?" I nodded. "Alright. You are going to sit on the big, white chair, as usual, and I will measure your blood pressure and offer a screening test, then test a few other things."

"It's getting real," I said, sitting down where he had indicated me. "Soon."

"Mid-November," he reminded me. "Or near the end, anyway. Somewhere between the thirteen and the thirty."

I nodded. "That's great."

"Do you know if you are rhesus negative?" he asked, checking for my blood pressure, adjusting his glasses on his nose.

"I'm not. I don't think."

"Good, so no need for special treatment," he muttered under his breath. "Alright, I'm going to need for you to lie down, for the scan. Real quick, just to see if everything is doing well. Can you feel the baby kick?"

"I feel like butterflies, not really something properly kicking me."

"Of course, I'm not saying the baby's going to hurt you, but it's good you're feeling sort of motion. It shows it's healthy."

He proceeded to the scan quickly. "So, you can see it way more clearly, can't you?"

"It's strange, it's grown so much."

"The legs, the arms, the head... It's fully developed, just waiting another two months to pop out. You'll see, Lee, this is a great experience."

"Do you have children?"

"I have four, actually," he smirked.

"Were you nervous when your wife told you that you were going to be a father for the first time?"

He shook his head. "Is Michael feeling nervous about it?"

"Somewhat nervous," I replied, not wanting to alarm him. "I don't know what to do to make him feel better, I feel like I'm failing at it."

"We sure all get a little nervous, it'll vanish soon enough."

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   When I got out of the hospital, I made my way to the shops, the one we had been with Michael when we had bought the baby furniture.I wanted to buy the first pieces of clothing. It seemed easy, but I had no clue on what to buy, and more over, this was the place I had met Amy last time I had gone. I sure as hell didn't want for somebody else to ruin my day, not today.

   When I entered, I instantly directed myself towards the little baby clothes aisle. I didn't know which colours to buy. Pink? Blue? It was all stereotyped anyway. I kept on telling myself that, but standing there, having to actually buy something, it was difficult. I picked a few long-sleeve white bodies, a denim jacket, socks, and beanies. I had gotten way too carried away with trying to shop; I had almost forgotten most of the things I originally had come here for.

   I then directed myself towards the feeding bottles and pacifiers, and asked a very nice lady what was best for a newborn baby, and she guided me through it all. How strange was this experience; never would I have thought that sometime, I'd eventually be standing here, asking somebody to help me for the birth of my very first child.

And even if it made me happy, and content, my mind couldn't stop thinking about Michael. And what he thought about it. I hated that Ashton had put my mind in everything but at ease, and I felt heavy, and doubted of. I came home like a stone, Michael hadn't come back from the studio, and I was kind of thankful to be on my own for a moment.

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