Behind The Hoodie

(Part 2) Chapter 17: Broken Wall, Healing Heart

I look at him for a moment longer.

"Go ahead," I say gently.

"I had, um."

I can tell this is something that's bothering him. And I can't help but feel a pit in my stomach for him. It's all happening so quickly but with how he's acting, I'm guessing he played this out in his head a few times and just wants to get it over with.

"I did go to juvie. My dad, he wasn't a good guy. It was never my mom's choice and she ended up having two kids from it. He had beaten her in front of us. Me and my younger brother. Whenever she tried to get out he would threaten to hurt us. So she had stayed."

I watch his fists tighten and his jaw set.

"She took hits from him and acted all strong like she could take it just to make us feel better. He had- he had done drugs in front of us and would at times force us to try them when my mom would try to stop him, he would beat her."

I grab his hand and he looks at my hand wrapped around his and I see a small amount of relief fill his face but it disappears just as quick as it came.

"At one point I stepped in to stop him, a kid still. He just threw me to the side like it was nothing. Then my brother had called 911."

He takes a sharp inhale.

"Saved my mom's life. He was thrown in jail and we grew up having struggles still. Just to keep our house," he says and I feel him slightly squeeze my hand.

I can feel his heartbeat through his fingers. He looks back down and away from our hands.

"He had later gotten out and just a week after he did, he had shown back up. I came home from getting groceries and it was like nothing changed, he was there and threw a beer bottle at her head. And I was tired of being so useless, I-"

I can hear the pain in his voice and I see tears cloud his eyes. 

"I had snapped. And I just seemed to black out. Next thing I knew I was on top of him and there was blood all over his face and my hands and police were pulling me off of him-" I can see the worry in his eyes and I watch a tear drop onto his lap.

My heart cracks as I wait for him to continue.

"I got sent to juvie and he got sent back to jail. After I got out of course all the guys were waiting for me. I had gotten into drugs and alcohol. I dragged the guys down with me. Later we had gotten out of it for the most part. Now here I am."

He finally looks up at me. I see him waiting for me to say something. To somehow be able to relate, or open up to him. He just watches me with worried eyes.

He just told his entire story to me and I can't do the same. My throat forbids me to say anything. I see in his eyes that he is waiting for me to tell him mine. All I can do is look at him.

I squeeze his hand tighter before I wrap my arms around him gently. He hugs me back and my ability not being able to talk makes me angry. I hug him tighter which I can tell surprises him and I feel another teardrop on my shoulder. I soon let go of him and he does the same to me. 

He looks at me, waiting for me to say something but I can't. I tried telling Alan and almost broke into just a mess of tears. I almost destroyed my wall, my dam,  letting that defenseless and helpless girl emerge.

That helpless girl I had buried and locked away.

That wall was built quick and steady to protect myself. To keep everyone from getting too close. But I'm afraid trying to tell what happened before that wall happened will break it. Destroy the shell I have around myself. And I'm afraid of getting hurt. And not being able to rebuild it like it is now.