Real Feelings

Chapter 5

The owl night have been a nightmare! The memories of what I taught was a past life but it was a demons that was eating up my good energy whenever he had the chance. The memories of things I regretted so much. The taught that everything could of been different if I had take a different decision. What if... WHAT IF! This thought was being shout in my head making me want to go crazy. What am I? Who the fuck am I? am I a happy girl or a depressive soul? I didn't even know? Who was suppose to give me an answer? My parents? They are always gone so they would be no help. Lacey? Zacky? I don't even know if I was real with them. I was scared so scared of who I am, scared to be something I didn't like, scared that I was something fake, scared that I would do the same mistakes all over again. Scared that I would never be happy, scared to be left alone forever. 

The next morning I woke from a light and tormented sleep. I dress with blue skinny jeans and a big Metallica hoodie that I loved. I put my brown hair in a messy bun. I look at myself in the mirror and think that I should change my hair color, maybe purple or some shit like that. I was ready to go when someone knock on my door.

I open and Brian was standing there. "What are you doing here Brian?" I ask him surprise that he knows were I live. I let him in as I prepared my lunch.  "Well I was passing by and found out that we are almost neighbours and hum, I learn that you were alone" He said as he itch the back of his head. "Zacky told you?" I ask him, starting to feel the anger building up inside of me. "Yeah, you know. He is always worried about people that he like" Brian inform me. I put my lunch in my bag and violently throw the dishes in the sink. "What's wrong Mary?" Brian ask me with his brown deep eyes full of worry. "I don't want anybody to check on me! I don't want to be the girl that calls everybody every time that she is alone just because she doesn't like that! I don't even know who I am Brian" I scream but not really at him. He took me in his arms for a big hug. His strong arms were keeping me secure. I cry a bit onto his chest as his black t-shirt started to get wet. We pulled away after that I cry all my tears that were still there from last night. "Now tell me what's wrong" He ask me with a serious yet worried look on his face. "We don't have time Brian we will be late for school. I'll tell you another time" I told him as I enter the bathroom to clean up my face from the black stain. Brian followed me and he lean against the door frame. " you know, if you don't like to be alone you can always call someone. Every one likes you, the girls and the boys. We are a family Mary that you are now a part of. We won't find that annoying or stupid. We will just take care of you and worried about you even if you don't want. And you said that you don't know yourself. But from what I know about you are a girl that cared about other people more then her and that is something that could go wrong if you don't watch yourself more. You are funny, intelligent and you have an amazing taste in music. You are Mary! You are my little sister!" Brian explain me. He tried so hard to make me realize these facts. And I have to admit that he was true and those points. I was making people laugh and it was true that I cared a lot about others. Maybe I should listen to Brian more often. Maybe I should but Brian as my brain.  "thank you big brother" I told him with a light punch on the arm. I look at myself in the mirror, "Shit! I'm so ugly without make up but we will be late" I said to Brian as I was about to got out of my bathroom but he stop me in my track. "no, no, no! You are not going to start this shit with me, I'm not beautiful blah blah blah shit! Okay?" He said mimic some girl that can't live without make up. I was laughing as he take my face and said, "now close your eyes if you don't want to get blind" He say seriously but with a warm smile. I close my eyes and felt a cold liquid on my eyelid. Eyeliner. "Done, now don't judge me because I have eyeliner on me okay. It's that I like to put on some sometimes" He said with his bottom lip pouting. I laugh at is manners and got out of the bathroom. "Come on sassy! We are going to be late!" I told him, knowing that he was going to get lightly mad, "You better run for your life" He said in a evil voice. I scream like a little girl, grab my pag and ran out the door and Brian followed me so I can lock my place. And we ran to school.

During this run I realized who I was, and thanks to Brian because if it wasn't of him I think I would of gone crazy by the end of the day. I'm someone who cared about the right people, now my family. And I didn't care of what others could think. I am a girl who like to laugh and hate being alone. There is no denial in that. It's normal to hate loneliness when you lived that for almost 17 years. Yeah I'll be seventeen in two months. But I'm scared that people hate me because of what I did in the past and I'm scared to do the same mistakes all over again. That's me. A funny but really insecure girl