Married and Trying to Keep it Together

Chapter Seventeen

So it's been two days since the barbeque and things haven't been the same since. There is thick tension wherever you go and the kids just seem oblivious to it all. Noah has noticed that something is up but he tries to keep the kids away from it all. As far as Cordell is concerned he is barely talking to me. I ask him questions and he just avoids me or we end up arguing. It was like he completely shut down on me like I wasn't even his wife. I wanted to be there for him but he wouldn't let me. Instead he would walk around the house like a mad man making everyone uncomfortable. It got to the point I just stopped asking him anything. I wasn't going to keep asking him just to get yelled at. If he wanted to keep things to himself then it was fine by me.

I had just gotten off of work and I was now in the bathroom taking off my makeup. I was so tired I could barely see straight. I just wanted to plop down on the couch and do nothing for the rest of the night.

I was half way done when I felt someone standing in the doorway. I turned to see Cordell leaning on the door frame not making eye contact. I kept doing what I was doing while trying to act like he wasn't there. I wasn't in the mood to fight with him tonight.

After ten minutes I had completed my task and went to leave the bathroom but he wouldn't budge. I knew he wasn't going to move. I wish in that moment I magically got some powers and had the ability to punch him into no man's land. I wanted to take all my frustrations out on him in that one punch. I could imagine it now, I take a deep breath and with my fist pulled together I muster all of my anger and strike him with all my might. I just wanted him gone.

Instead I just settled with trying to move around him knowing that he would just move in the same direction. "Will you move please?"

"I'm sorry."

"Good for you, now will you move?"

"I know you're mad at me Leliah but I'm sorry."

"Look your past is yours, your life is yours, and it's none of my business." I crossed my arms feeling bored with the conversation. I had no intention to keep doing this with him.

"I was wrong. I should've talked to you, but that's a touchy spot for me and I didn't want to relive my past."

"And I won't ask you to."

I tried to walk around him again but he blocked me again. I was beginning to get frustrated. I wanted him to move. I was so tired and the bed was calling my name. I didn't understand how for two days he yelled at me for trying to get him to talk but now here he stood and wouldn't leave me alone. One moment he wanted to be far away from me and now he was dead in my face. I couldn't take this off and on crap. He either wanted to talk or he didn't but he couldn't have it both ways.

"I want to talk to you now."

"Why now?" I leaned back on the bathroom sink realizing I wasn't leaving this bathroom anytime soon. Hell I could probably fall sleep right here.

"Because you right, you are my wife and I should be able to share my past with you. You did even though it was hard so I should do the same. I never want you to think I don't value your opinion or that you're not important to me because you are and I do. It's just this is all new to me."

I looked down thinking about what he said not knowing what to say. I remember how hard it was for me to tell him about my ex-husband. I didn't think I would ever be able to tell anyone about what happened to me but I found Cordell. It just felt right telling him, I trusted him. But when he refused to do the same with me it hurt. It was like he didn't feel safe with me or worse he didn't trust me. Feeling that way just did something to me and I hated it.

I looked up not really meeting his eyes. "Then talk. You want to spill your guts now for some reason then spill."

He stood up straight from the door frame stuffing both of his hands in his pockets. His body went stiff like he was in the worse pain ever.

"When I was twelve my father got in touch with me. He caught me in a stage when I was longing for immediate family other than my grandparents so I fell hard with what he said. I thought he was everything."

"So what happened?"

"What happened was he got me hooked in stealing cars for cash. He taught me how to steal and take a part cars within seconds."

He paused taking a breather rubbing his left hand down his face. The other followed by rubbing the back of his head while took in a deep breath only to let it out a few seconds later. I had never seen him this way before. This was a part of Cordell that he had kept hidden and now I saw why. This was hurting him.

"He introduced me to the wrong crowd and within a few months I found myself with a record and six months in juvenile detention."

"But I don't understand why you fell so hard with what the guy was offering. My dad could come around and he would be the last person I listen to."

"You have to understand I grew up without either parents so I felt like having one parent interested in me was a blessing."

"Why wasn't your grandparents enough though? They love you to death and Elizabeth dotes on you like you are her own child which you are, so why act like they weren't good enough?"

"When you're at that age you feel like the world is against you, like the cards were set against you. I felt like I needed more than them. Neither one of them were my parents and I desperately wanted my biological parent."

"Wow." I couldn't seem to think of anything else to say. I didn't know what Cordell was so worked up about when it came to his past and now I do. Now that I had heard about I was less anger and more sad for him. Cordell wasn't the type of man that showed his emotions often so learning about this is big. Instead of knocking him out, now I wanted to just hold him like one of my kids.

"That guy used me and took complete advantage of me. When I got caught he acted like I did even exist. Do you know how that felt?"

He breathed in and out finally giving up his post at the door and walked into the bedroom. He paced the floor a couple times then sat on the bed letting his body slump over. This was taking everything out him. He no longer radiated the confidence I fell in love with. Instead he stunk of pity and regret. I didn't know this man. He was so vulnerable.

I walked over to him and sat beside him. I watched to see what his reaction would be. I hesitantly reached up and begin stroking his back. It always made him calm when I did this. He relaxed a little into my touch letting out a breath.

"For six months I thought about him wondering if he was going to come for me. When I found out he wasn't I sprawled out of control. I stopped going to school, hell I almost flunked out. It wasn't until Conrad came to me and told me if I didn't get my shit together now I would never amount to anything and the only person I would be hurting his myself and that would completely on me."

"Well his pep talk seemed to work."

"Oh it worked alright but it wasn't easy. I still felt like there was an empty hole inside of me. I had my father for a short while and then I didn't."

"Baby even you have to understand that you never had your dad. He wasn't there to be your dad, he just wanted to use for his own benefit."

"I know but it still hurt. The pain ate at me for years."

"How did you get over that pain?"

"Truthfully, I never did. I kind of just pushed it to the back hoping that it never resurfaced."

"I can understand that. But you've done a good job so for and now you are a dad. You can undo all that pain your dad put you through by making sure our children never experience that kind of pain."

"I know, that's why I put every ounce of attention I can into them kids so they will never feel as though I'm not there for them. If they are going to stray off the right path it won't be because I wasn't there for them."

I nodded taking in his words. This day had really taken a weird turn. I sighed not knowing what to do. "Well now I see why you don't like the guy, hell now I don't like him either but now we have a problem."

He looked at me with his head in his hands, "What's that?"

"Your father is now dating my mother."