How can I live without you (Sequel to Simon FanFic - Sleeping with the enemy)

Decisions

You were totally torn, Daryl would be waiting but Negan was right there in front of you. What would you say to him that was a good enough excuse to not be able to talk right now. Daryl would understand that you couldn't get out, you'd just have to visit Hilltop soon to apologise. 

"Where do you want to talk?" you asked, not wanting to take him to the room you shared with Simon. 

"Come to my office?" he asked, again you didn't feel comfortable being alone with him in his quarters.

"How about the roof" you asked, he nodded and you followed him up the two flights of stairs to the roof. He walked across to the edge and stared out across the trees. You stepped up beside him, shivering slightly as the night breeze swept past you. 

"You know for someone who wants to talk you aren't saying very much" you sighed, turning and sitting against the edge of the roof. He chuckled and sunk down beside you.

"I'm trying to find the right words honey" he whispered. You were shocked, Negan never thought before he spoke, 

"We nearly kissed" you said, addressing the elephant in the room,

"Yes we did" he smiled "and I'm not quite sure what to think of that"

"Me neither" you sighed "Negan before you....did what you did" you started "I did have a soft spot for you, there was a niggling attraction, but I was so in love with Simon that me and you never even crossed my mind" you explained, "But now, I'm not going to pretend those feelings aren't still there because they are, but there's also hate and disgust for what you did to the man I loved" it felt good to finally lay your cards on the table. He sighed and rested his head in his hands.

"I didn't want to kill him" he whispered "It wasn't something I enjoyed, he was my best friend, but if I didn't kill him, then he was going to kill me. He gave me no choice" you hadn't really seen it from Negan's point of view before now and it hit you like a tone of bricks. "But what I do know is, I care about you a lot, hell I've been attracted to you since the day I set eyes on you and that has not changed".

"I just..." you sighed "Negan he's not even been gone 2 weeks, how can I even be thinking like this...I'm a horrible person"

"You are not a horrible person" he exclaimed taking your hands in his "Believe me honey that is one thing you definitely are not" You attempted to smile but it failed miserably. 

"I'm trying really hard to hate you but I just can't" you confessed staring into his eyes. 

"Then don't" he whispered, running his thumb down your cheek, you closed you eyes at his touch. You could feel his breath on your face as he leaned in, your breathing was heavy and raspy with nerves. He reached out his other hand and tucked a stray hair behind your ear, like Simon used to. 

You jumped to your feet. Looking down at Negan who was still in the same position as if you were still sat beside him, he sighed.

"I'm sorry I just can't" you whispered "Everything just reminds me of Simon, the way he used to touch me, the way he used to make me feel"

"It's okay" he sighed standing up, "there's something else I had to say" you looked up at him questioningly, eyes misty with tears threatening to spill. "if you want to go back to Hilltop, now that he's gone, I wouldn't stop you"

"Really?" you asked,

"I mean hell I don't want you to go" he smiled, returning to his usual self "But it's up to you and the kid, you've gotta do what's best for you now" you knew what was best for both of you, you knew what Cam's decision would be, and the though caused a lump in your throat.

"thank you" you smiled, he opened his arms and you let him embrace you, burying your head in his chest and bunching his shirt in your fists. 

"I wish things were different" he sighed, you didn't reply, only held him tighter. 

He walked you back to your room, taking your hand and kissing it as he left you, making you smile and blush.

"Goodnight" he sighed

"Goodnight Negan" you replied, closing your door. You sunk to the floor against it, you knew you had to go. If you stood any chance of moving on, you needed to get out of this room, a couple of weeks wasn't long but in this world, a weakness like grief could get you killed, you couldn't afford to carry on the way you were. You would take Cameron back to Hilltop to escape the memories of Simon, you would need a new room, there were too many memories in Jess' house too. You needed to leave the Sanctuary behind, stop waking up to find his side of the bed empty, get away from the guilt you felt for trying to move on, get away from the temptation that Negan posed. Start over, move on and live your life again, as boring as it was without him, anything was better than living with his ghost. 

The next morning you woke up before dawn, only having had a couple of hours sleep. You began to pack, tidying his things away in the dresser out of sight, someone else could have the job of sorting through those, you didn't have it in you. You sat on his side of the bed, clutching his blue shirt in one hand and action man in the other. Those were the two items you would really struggle to leave behind. But you knew if you kept hold of them, every time you came across them, it would be back to square one.

Once dawn broke you let yourself in to Cam's room and stroked his face to wake him, he yawned and stretched,

"What time is it?" he asked groggily, he had never been an early riser. 

"It's time to go home Cam" you replied, his face lit up and he threw his arms around you.

"Really?" he beamed looking up at you, you smoothed down his hair and nodded "Thank you" he added, you knew he would be happy to go home. You just wished you could be as enthusiastic. He helped you pack his bags and you left him to finish off while you went to tell Negan you were going. 

You took a deep breath before knocking on his door.

"Come in" he called through the oak. You gingerly let yourself in and shut the door behind you.

"oh hello honey" he smiled, he had one just his white t-shirt and jeans and reading glasses which he removed as he spoke, his hair was messy like he hadn't done anything with it yet.

"Hey" you replied, but he must have known by your tone, 

"You're leaving aren't you" he sighed, running a hand down his face. 

"It's what Cam wants" you told him, he stood and walked round the front of his desk, perching on the front of it.

"Is it what you want?" he asked 

"It's for the best" you told him without meeting his gaze. You heard him sigh,

"I'd come and see you out but I'm a busy man" he said, putting up his wall again, "You can take Simon's truck"

"No" you told him, digging out the keys from your pocket and holding them out to him. He stepped forward and took them from you, fingers brushing slightly as he did, making you both lock eye contact. "I need to leave Simon behind too" you sighed "Otherwise being there will be no different than being here"

"Then stay" he whispered, stepping closer to you.

"Negan I can't" you shook your head looking at the floor. He placed his finger under your chin and lifted your face to look at him, he gazed down at you, your heart started pounding, his lips were about to meet yours, "Goodbye Negan" you whispered, turned and left without glancing back.

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