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Chapter 20: Emotions

You stared out the windshield of the Impala as the images of Niki being killed and mutilated played on repeat in your mind. Nothing you did could rid the images.

"What are we going to do with her body?" You finally spoke out and looked to Dean. His eyes were aching with sadness. It didn't make sense. He wanted you gone in the first place, so why would he care about anything that happened?

"If you want to wait here, I can go get her. We'll give her a hunter's funeral." He reached his hand out close to your face and then stopped, hesitating. He pulled it back and there was a part of you that ached for the thought of his touch. After everything, you wanted nothing more than to be enveloped in his arms and comforted, though you would never admit it.

You shook your head. "I want to go with you."

"Are you sure?"

"You can't shelter me from everything," you yelled, climbing out of the car , slamming the door shut, and pressing the heels of your hands to your eyes in attempt to stop the tears. Less than a minute passed before Dean walked around the Impala and pulled you into his chest, holding you tight. Rather than making a futile attempt to ebb the flow of tears, you let them fall and mix with the sweat and blood on your face. You didn't care that you were crying in front of Dean. You didn't care that you were likely staining his shirt. You only cared about the fact that you had let your friend down and because of that, she was dead.

"I'm so sorry," Dean whispered into your hair.

"Why wasn't it me?" you whispered.

"Shh, don't say that." He stroked your hair with one hand and pulled you impossibly closer with the other, rest his forehead atop of your head.

You clenched the fabric of his shirt in your fists and cried harder, angrier. Niki didn't deserve anything like what she got. Everything was your fault. She became a hunter because of you. She got tangled up with demons because of you. She...she was dead. Because of you.

"Are you sure you're okay to do this?" he asked.

You shook your head, pieces of your once beautiful hair falling all around you. Without looking into a mirror, you knew you looked like a mess.

"Alright," he whispered, separating himself from you. When you rubbed a hand up down your bare arms, Dean wrapped his arm around your waist and tugged you to his side. The contact was more comforting than he would ever know.

The both of you made into the room in time to see Sam picking the locks on Niki's body, a small pile of demons dead on the floor beside him. You pulled out of Dean's grasp and walked over to her slowly. She was slouched forward, only being held up by the cuffs. Fresh blood was pooled all around her from the slice in her midsection.

Sam removed the cuffs and caught her body before it fell. He gently laid her to the ground and backed away as you stroked her short brown hair. Your tears fell to her cheeks and mingled with the ones she shed in her dying moments. You kept muttering apologies to her as if it would change the fact that she was dead.

"It should've been me, Niki," you stated as you leaned forward and pressed your forehead to hers. "I'm sorry. I should have been there for you over the years."

When you sat up, you hoped you would see her brown eyes blink again, like maybe all of this was an elaborate ruse but they didn't. They stayed glossed over and lifeless. It was always hard to see a dead body, but seeing someone you had let down, someone who was dead all by you're doing...it was about to send you over the edge.

Without saying a word, you frantically stood to your feet and sprinted out of the building. Just before you made it to the car, the long dress that Niki bought you tangled around your feet and you fell to the ground, the gravel scraping and digging into your palms. You tried stripping out of the gown in frustration. It was only another reminder of Niki, anyway. Somehow the zipper on the side snagged your hair and you were stuck in it.

There was the sound of footsteps quickly approaching, followed by Dean's voice. "What happened?"

"I want out of this stupid dress and I can't because it's stuck and I fell and now my hands are scraped and-"

"It's alright," Dean soothed, his voice closer to your ears as he knelt beside you and began working at the snarled mess of your hair and dress. He finally got everything situated and your dress was sitting normally on your shoulders once again.

"I want out of this, please." Your lip quivered. The gown seemed like a trap that was slowly getting tighter and tighter around you. You felt helpless, but your body didn't want to function on its own.

"Okay," Dean replied softly, helping you stand to your feet. He led you the back of the Impala where he opened a duffel bag and pulled out one of his long sleeved t-shirts. "C'mere."

You followed Dean to the passenger side of the car where he spun you around, your back facing him. His large hands slowly unzipped the back of the dress, freeing you from what was quickly starting to feel like a prison. You knew you should have been embarrassed for having him undress you. When he tugged on the armhole, the fabric graced against your skin and sent a shiver down your spine. It wasn't long at all before you were standing, still faced away from Dean, in only your bra and panties.

You could've sworn Dean made some sort of guttural noise, but decided to ignore it. It could have just been a distant animal or something. He put his shirt over your head and guided the hem all the way down to the middle of your thighs. His knuckles brushed your skin the whole way down, warming you up in a way that seemed so foreign. He hesitated before removing his skin from yours.

"Thank you," you sniffled.

"I'm gonna go help Sam. Wait here, okay."

You nodded with your eyes staring blankly at the ground. Dean cupped your cheeks and kissed your forehead. Your eyes fluttered shut and the moment was over so quickly, you weren't sure it really happened.

The wind blew and chilled you more than the night's events already had. You climbed into the passenger side and let the emotions fade away, leaving you numb. It was easier to pretend nothing bad had happened. Shutting out your feelings was one of the things you did best.

Several minutes passed before the trunk of the car was slammed shut and unwelcomed tears sprang to your eyes knowing that Niki's body was in back there. Both boys climbed in and acted surprised to see you up front.

"I'm sorry," you mumbled. "I wasn't thinking." As you made a move to slide out, Sam stopped you.

"No, it's okay. You can stay. I'll sit in the back."

"Can I sit up here with the both of you?" Your voice was barely a whisper. It was embarrassing to be acting the way you were. It was highly out of character to be so vulnerable, but she was the last tie to your old life. Yes, there was Becket, but you avoided being a part of his life so he would be safe. He probably didn't even remember a thing about you.

"Uh, yeah," Sam responded, nodding his head. Of course."

The brothers sandwiched you in between their large bodies and it made you feel safe. Dean pulled out of the deserted lot and started back to the bunker, your new home that you were never going to run away from again.