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Chapter 56: Under the Mistletoe

A/N: I'm so sorry this is so late. I'll talk to you more at the end of the chapter :)

"So, like, how are you really?" Charlie asked as you walked through a crowded store in the mall trying to find gifts for everyone and decorations for the bunker. The boys were off finding their own gifts and decorations. Apparently, the bunker was lacking on Christmas decorations, not that you were surprised.

"I guess I'm trying not to think too much into it. It's—it's hard knowing Sam did it. Don't get me wrong, I get it. But getting it doesn't make it any easier to let go of the pain."

She gave you a reassuring smile. "You are one tough cookie."

You snorted at her comment. "That's some high praise to someone who just got discharged from the hospital."

"No I'm serious," she said as she picked up a hat with elf ears and placed one on your head before placing one on her own. "Do you realize how many people would have gone completely nuts and never forgive those boys for what they did. But you...you understand it needed to happen and you accept it, hard as it may be."

"Do I have to keep the hat on?"

She frowned at you. "Yes. To everyone else they're elf ears. To me, I'm indirectly supporting Star Trek by wearing Spock ears.

You continued down the aisles and piled garlands and ornaments in the basket that Charlie was carrying. "I can't say I accept it," you said after a few moments of thinking about what she said. "I just don't think about it, because when I do..."

"You don't have to say—"

"No," you cut her off. "It might be nice to talk to someone about what the heck is going on in my head."

"Okay. Continue on, then."

"If I close my eyes and let my mind go back to that night...When I envision Dean holding me in his arms and shielding me from what happened, of him keeping me from doing anything to help Becket, I could beat his face in and still not be satisfied. And then Sam...he killed Becket. And, and sometimes..." You took a long and cautious breath. "I'm horrible." You were on the verge of tears as you thought about saying what you had thought several times out loud.

"I'm not going to judge you. I'm your friend, and I want you to know you can tell me anything."

"I know. Sorry. I guess sometimes I just forget what it's like to have people I can trust and who won't hate me for saying what's on my mind."

By now you were both standing in the crazy long line and waiting to check out your decorations and gifts. Charlie sifted through the items while waiting for you to get back on topic and tell her what had you nearly in tears.

You closed your eyes and said, "Sometimes I wish it had been Sam instead of Becket. And believe me, I know how twisted that is. I love Sam like a brother, it's just..."

"He's not Becket?"

You nodded your head. "I actually feel worse now that I said it out loud."

Charlie gave you a stern look. "Don't feel worse about it. That's a natural reaction."

"Not when he feels almost just as much of family as Becket did." You cringed at having to use his name in the past tense.

"You've been through a lot since meeting those two idiots. Something tells me your life was a whole lot simpler before they showed up. I know my life sure was." She sounded upset, but she was smiling.

Charlie wasn't wrong. You were happy to stick with simple hunts. You could handle the little things easily, but living with the Winchester boys forced you into a life of hunting that was much deeper than you ever really wanted.