That girl

Never got to say goodbye

You're alone in your room. Nothing to do but stare up at the ceiling and think to yourself. But what you think about brings you to tears. You lost someone close to you and you never got to say goodbye. You couldn't bare to see them in pain, so you stopped seeing them. You left them when they needed you the most. You feel horrible that you didn't get to see them before they left this world. They left not knowing that they would be in your hearts or that you would always love them even though they are gone.  Every time you think about them you can't help but cry. A certain song you listen too just reminds you of them.  But you don't cry although you want to so bad.  When everyone else was crying you just stayed silent.

The last thing you remember is them laying in a hospital bed, unable to stand or do things for themselves.  The person that was once the strongest person you ever knew is now weak.  Every time you visited them in the hospital your heart would break that much more. Seeing them hooked up to all those machines. Knowing that they're time on this earth was limited.  You always feared that while you were there the heart rate machine would flatline and you would have to see the life drain from their body.

You remember the day they passed. You had barely slept the night before knowing something was wrong. Your dad wakes you up, tears stream down his cheeks. You had never seen your father cry this hard. He tells you that they passed, and all you could feel is this emptiness inside your heart.  That was the only time you really break down and cried. You could feel your whole world change in a matter of seconds. They were gone and all you could do is sit there, with this blank look on your face. You really didn't know how to react.

Once your father leaves the room, you lay back on your pillow curled up with a blanket and you just cry... The next few days are the hardest of your life. The funeral was coming up and you knew you weren't ready.

The day of the funeral has arrived. You wake up that day, get dressed and start at yourself in the bathroom mirror. You wear all black, with your hair pulled up into a ponytail. You don't feel like yourself and haven't since the day you found out. You feel like a stranger in your own body.

At their funeral, you look at the video full of pictures and memories. Tears streaming down your cheeks, you try to hide that fact that you are weak. You try to appear strong. But in reality, you couldn't even talk without wanting to cry.  You just stand in one spot hoping that no one would try to talk to you. Knowing that you would break down within seconds. You see their son standing over there alone, trying to keep their closure but you know that they feel the same way you do, if not worse.  You can see it all over their face. You can see the hurt, just like everyone could see that you were hurting.

Everyone keeps asking you if your okay and how you are holding up. You tell them you're fine that you were okay. But in reality, you were dying inside. The one person that you talked to about everything is now gone. All the secrets you told them, buried in the grave with them.

You listen to everyone speak about the one person that you never thought would leave their sides.  What they say and watching them cry, makes you just want to break down.  But you try to stay strong, even though you know you are failing at it. You just sit there listening, choking back tears.

All you can think about is how you never got to say goodbye. Even now that you can say a few words about them to everyone else you still stay quiet. No one blames you though.  You just feel so lost without them in your life.

Two years go by and you still don't talk about them as much, knowing that if you did you would break down and cry. You haven't talked to anyone about how you feel. You haven't really been yourself since then. You feel lost without them in your life.

All you can do is live a life that they always wanted you to live. Do things that they use too, to keep their memories alive. That's all you really have now are the memories. The good ones and the bad.