That girl

Depression Kills

Your inner thoughts always seem to get the best of you. Constantly telling you that you're not good enough. That you're a fuck up a complete failure. The list goes one. No matter what you do you can't stop yourself from feeling the way you do. You try to act like everything is okay... But in reality, you just want to die. Your thoughts are slowly killing you. You feel like nothing you ever do will ever make you feel like your not a complete fuck up.   You constantly are at war with yourself and your inner thoughts.

No matter what happens you constantly like everyone would just be better off if you were dead. Or gone. Sometimes you wonder if that you're better off away from everyone. MAybe that your thoughts are right. That you're a screw-up and not good enough to be apart of this world.

Your depression takes it hold over you. And there is nothing you can do about it. You just lay in bed all day staring at the ceiling wondering how much longer you can take it. You have tried to play it off like everything is okay. But you still find yourself in the same spot. Staring up at that same ceiling for hours on end.

Everyone just thinks your lazy but if they knew what truly ran through your head they would understand. Or at least try to understand. You just cant seem to escape everything you feel.

You hate yourself everything about yourself.  In your head your overweight. You walk around avoiding mirrors so then you don't have to look at yourself in the mirror. A fuck up. That cant does anything right. You can't find a job. Can't seem to do anything right no matter how hard you try.

You just want all this pain to go away. You constantly think about going back to the person you use to be. The person that hides away her pain in a razor blade.  You promised yourself a long time ago that you would never cut again... But lately, it seems like a razor blade is your only friend...

You just feel alone. Like no one understands just how bad you truly have gotten. Because you hide it all away. You say nothing to anyone after that they won't understand you. Or that they will judge you when they don't know exactly what's been going through your head.

Everyone constantly thinks its all your fault your the way you are. Even though you don't try to be upset all the time. You don't want to feel this way. You don't want to constantly feel like your never going to be good enough for anyone.  No matter what you do. You will always be that girl that will never be good enough.

You try to explain how you feel in your dairy but every time you start to write the tears start to fall like someone realized the water valves in your eyes.

You feel like that you don't belong in this world anymore. You have tried to stay strong but you can't anymore. No one understands you. You start to think that maybe you are alone. Like truly alone. You're afraid to let anyone in. Because you know they will never truly understand you...

One day things just seem to feel like nothing will ever get better that you are better off dead. So you write your suicide note to your parents and the people who will "Miss" you when you're gone. You tell them that it wasn't them that it was you. That you couldn't live like this anymore. Constantly hating yourself with a passion. You couldn't stand being in a world where you don't belong.

You will finally be at peace. Be free of the hate that you feel for yourself.

You take the rope and tie it around your neck. You look out the window at the world that seems so dark to you, but to everyone else, it's full of light. You climb up on the chair, knowing that in a few seconds everything you felt would be gone. In a blink of an eye. All the pain and hate would be gone. You say your last goodbyes to the world that you were about to leave.

You take a breath as you step off the chair. Just like that everything you felt was gone.