Veronica [Zarry]

a stranger in his skin

"The clouds look so wispy."

He's giggling as I tuck a flower behind his ear, kissing me so softly it's like he's afraid I'll break.

"I love weekends," he sighs. "I wish we could spend every day like this."

There's a nice breeze, sunlight kissing our skin. We're squinted eyes and the smell of suncreen. Blades of grass blow with the wind and my hair whips into my face. He brushes my curls, gathers them up, twisting my hair into a bun.

"You're so cute," he coos.

"Do you want to get some ice cream?"

His face lights up, eyes crinkling at the corners.

"Yes," he cheers, throwing his arms around me.

I'm hoisting him up onto my shoulders and it feels like a corny, predictable rom-com as we spin around, his arms loosely looped around my neck.

His laughter is infectious. I've never felt so carefree; so weightless.

Zayn brings out a different side of me so when I set him back down gently he gives me a look, nose scrunching up.

"Are you okay Harry?"

I place my hands on his shoulders, dimples showing as I smile.

"This is the happiest I've ever been. Honestly," I sigh, pressing my forehead to his.

"That's a good thing. You deserve to be happy."

I could cry at his sweetness and how pure his heart is. He truly is the most precious human I've ever met.

"I'm so lucky," I mumble, lips finding the crook of his neck.

"And you're also hungry for ice cream?"

"Yes," I chuckle. "That too."

Seriously. Could he be any more adorable?

Two scoops, dripping down the side of the cone. Hot pavement, sweat trickling down our necks. Flushed cheeks and sloppy kisses, the taste of mint and chocolate chip on his tongue. We swap flavors, share more laughter, hands clasped together as we explore London.

It's a beautiful city and I've never really taken the time to let it all sink in.

"Do you ever feel like a tourist in your own city?"

"I haven't lived here long," I remind him. "But I know what you mean. Sometimes I feel like a stranger in my own skin."

I swear he's turning me on in the worst places, baby pink tongue darting to collect a dribble of ice cream as it trickles down the cone.

"It's crazy that you said that. That's exactly how I feel when I'm Zayn. I mean not all the time but my heart picks up speed when I put on a bit of makeup or I change into a dress. It's hard to explain. I'm trying to learn how to love myself but I've always liked girly things, yearned to be like my sisters. Everyone tells me it's wrong so I want to push it to the back of my mind but one day the Veronica persona was born and it just felt...right."

It actually makes my heart hurt a lot that no one is supportive of Zayn.

"There's nothing wrong with loving yourself both ways. I think a lot of people try to be someone they're not. At least you always stay true to who you are. Sure, you take on a different gender but it's just a different version of you. I wouldn't call it pretend."

He's blushing like a rose and my heart is aflutter.

"I love you so much," he bites back a smile. "I wish everyone was as understanding as you."

"Maybe I just get you. All I know is I love any and every part of you. We were just...meant to be."

"When I revealed myself to you how were you so calm about it? I've lost a lot of love-"

"Let me stop you there. If someone is too shallow to accept you either way then you didn't lose anything. That isn't love and that's their loss. Besides, I see the way men look at you. They don't want permanence, all they're interested in is some cheap sex and an escape from reality."

"I'm not cheap," he retorts sassily. "Besides, no one ever wanted that. Guys are expecting a vagina which I am obviously lacking."

"Well I'd pay a lot for that mouth and that dick," I tease.

"Yeah," he giggles. "How much?"

"All the money in the world," I answer truthfully, sweeping him into my arms.

"We're so sappy."

I shrug before scattering kisses all over his face. There's nothing wrong with being sappy. I could shower Zayn with sap.

"Hey Harry."

"Hey Zayn," I grin, nudging his side.

"Do you think I could just...move in with you? I'm at your place all the time anyway."

He's so bashful, eyes trained on the ground as he bites at his bottom lip.

"You're scared I'm going to say no."

His eyes flick up at me, tears welling in them. "Yeah," he whispers. "I feel like that's a big step and it's a lot of commitment. The last thing I want to do is rush you or push you away. I just want someone to stay in my life for once, to-"

He sucks in a breath and I don't know how bad somehow hurt him in the past but he's finding it difficult to even trust me. He's desperate for a yes, seeking assurance that he's good enough and it breaks my heart.

"Who did this to you? Why has the world been so hard on you?"

His lip wobbles and he tries to keep the tears at bay. I know he's insecure about that too. Someone must have convinced him that isn't okay for real men to cry; to be so sensitive.

It's no wonder he's more comfortable as Veronica. Girls are expected to be vulnerable, to be obedient, to bite their tongue.

How did we get like this?

"I'm sorry," he sniffles. "I know it's annoying when I-"

"When you cry?"

He nods and that's enough for me to lose it, for me to hold him tightly, cradling his head as he lets it all out.

"No baby. You just cry until you feel better. I'm not going anywhere."

"I couldn't love you more."

"That's good considering we'll be sharing a place."

He pulls back, smile stretched across his face.

"Really? Ohmygod," he squeals, words running together.

"Omg," I mock. "Thank you so much Harry."

"Shut up," he playfully punches his shoulder, still smiling. "I'll suck you off tonight."

I arch a brow and he kisses me as if he's sealing the deal.