Veronica [Zarry]

thoughts in my head

I keep sinking further, forget about swearing off love as I search for it in strangers' beds, get lost in unfamiliar sheets and fake feelings. I lose count of how many people I give myself away to, count stacks of money on dusty bedside tables with tearstung eyes.

Suicidal thoughts in my head, too loud, my mind is screaming but nothing leaves my mouth. I suffer in miserable silence. I hear soft pants when I close my eyes, can practically feel nails scratching down my back, breaking skin, sweet profanities and broken promises.

I can't even find comfort in my own bed, spend entire nights sobbing into my pillow, feeling so worthless I could fucking die. I hate men but I especially hate that they always draw me in, that I'm so desperate to be touched, to be cherished I convince myself that it's real, that all the one-night stands aren't meaningless. Maybe they'll call me again.

Always lying to myself.

Veronica doesn't let it show, she's sassy and flirty, a little bit of sarcasm and a lot of sexy. Slowly I start to let go of Zayn, of the real me and hide the hurt under makeup and fake smiles.

Sometimes I yearn to be back on the pole, remember how free it made me felt. That freedom slips away.

I ache for real love after 2AM.

At least I'm less of an empty mess behind the bar, you'd never know just how broken I really am-

He waltzes it, soft curls bouncing, sheepish smile on his face. He looks like an angel, the harsh club lights somehow shining a halo down on him.

The man at the bar slurs something, shouts angrily, pulling me out of my reverie and then there's sticky, stinky beer in my hair, I feel my mascara running down my face, grit my teeth as I start wiping down the counter.

"You okay darling?"

I'm trembling, trying to hide it as my eyes flick up to his face. My throat is dry, heart pounding against my ribcage. I can't let it show, my nerves, my sweaty palms, the way my head feels heavy and I'm dizzy from the smell of his cologne, lost in those light green eyes.

My lips move, I make sound, I'm unsure of what I said but then he says his name and all I can do is nod, look down at the counter, suddenly bashful. Why can't I breathe? I feel like I'm suffocating, the world is spinning.

He's so beautiful.

All I know is that I snap at him when I shouldn't, relinquish all my built up hatred for men in one night. I can't catch feelings this early.

Calling him out for being shallow, for being empty; for being a fraud when I'm no different.

"You don't think you're beautiful?"

I can't let him see me cry, there's something so genuine and sweet about him, the way he asked, the tone of his voice. He searches my face with his eyes, somehow seems to see right through me and I'm so close to unraveling.

What makes me think he's so different? Why give another man my heart just for them to break it?

Back to the charade, pretending I don't care, pushing my feelings aside. I have no love left to give anyway, I'm used up and wasted and my heart feels cold.

He walks away and I can't deny the truth: my heart is still very warm, I have plenty of love but no one will take it. They take my body, steal my breath, give themselves pleasure and give me nothing in return.

"Harry," I whisper, a deep shiver running down my spine. "Zayn." I smile happily, liking the way our names sound together.

•••

I'm restless but for different reasons, all I can think of is him. I know it's unhealthy, wanting someone you don't even know. I feel like a spider that gets tricked too easily, stuck in its own web.

Harry lured me in and there's no way I can come back from that. My heart is foolish, I'm so naive trying to convince myself that he's different.

He isn't Liam. How could anyone ever betray me more than him? I don't think it's possible. That doesn't stop me from calling in sick at work, hiding away for two days.

I can't hide forever, two days pass and I'm forced to march back into work.

My mind is a mess, I let him kiss me, take the heat from Loretta, feel so fond when he needs me, cool ice pack pressed to his skin, pouting when I don't give him my attention.

The bruise on his jaw looks so painful it breaks me. I don't like seeing him hurt and it confuses me. Why am I already so attached? There's something wrong with me, I did the say thing with Liam. Fuck me and my weird clingy feelings.

Hours tick by and I find myself alone in my bed staring blankly at the ceiling.

I can't get over his kiss, the weight of his lips against mine, the way he stroked my jaw with the pad of his thumb so delicately.

Happier thoughts in my head, I want him to kiss me again and again, soft and unhurried like nothing else matters. Just our skin pressed together and the heat radiating from our bodies and quiet breaths, two beating hearts connected.

Thoughts in my head, thoughts in my head, I want to trace my fingers over skin, learn his body. What if he feels the same way?

I swallow the lump in my throat, accept that even if his feelings are real, he wants me as Veronica. Do I lie, do I keep myself masked and enjoy this while it lasts?

How...how would I ever get over him if I let myself get in way too deep? I've always been afraid of swimming, I don't wanna drown, don't wanna drown-

Sleep tugs at me, my eyelids heavy. I want his scent on my pillowcase, seem to want everything I don't have and sigh longingly, toes cold at the foot of my bed.