Veronica [Zarry]

how to lose it all

I want to run like the sun in winter, want to bury myself in my sheets and never resurface. There are tissues scattered all around me, I sniffle and roll over to check my phone. My body aches and shivers so I shoot Claire a quick message and call in sick to work. I snuggle back up under the covers and fall sound asleep.

I'm in a daze when I wake up, drool on the pillow, crust in the corner of my eyes. Claire still hasn't come back. My vision adjusts to the darkness, I glance at the clock.

The club closed two hours ago. I haven't felt this empty in a long time. I get up and shuffle around, throwing on an oversized hoodie and some joggers. My hair is tousled, my mind is a mess and there are no messages on my phone. I nearly trip over my own trainers, mutter a string of curse words before grabbing my keys and closing the door behind me.

A frown settles on my face as I see Liam's car parked in the drive. So much for being on a business trip. I knock on the door but no one anwers. The wind cuts through my clothes and my eyes begin watering as I try again, wanting to be spared from the cold.

Nothing. I let out a huff of annoyance, digging around for his spare key. It turns in the lock, the door opens and it's eerily quiet. I switch on the living room light, scan the room. Nothing seems out of the ordinary.

"Liam," I call out, voice hoarse. My feet travel down the hallway, I stop at his bedroom door, feeling all too familiar. "I thought you were out of town, I-"

He stares at me with wide eyes, tugs at the covers and Claire looks away, cheeks flushed.

"I thought a lot of things," I feel myself start to crumble. I'm too weak to scream, too hurt to fight. All that comes out is a pathetic whisper. "How could you?"

"Zayn I'm sorry," Claire whimpers, breaking the silence.

"I trusted you," I let out a pained cry, the taste of tears on my tongue. "A-nd you," I shake, gathering the courage to look back at Liam. "I was stupid enough to love you. How funny is that?"

"Let me explain," he pleads, licking at his lips. His voice sounds so strained, so desperate.

"Do you think I feel sorry for you, do you really think I'll forgive you?" I let out a twisted laugh, trying to wrap my brain around everything. "You didn't deserve any of my time, I can't believe I even wasted my breath...I'm so goddamn stupid," I shout, tugging at my hair. "I hope you're satisfied with yourself."

I throw his keys onto the bed, resist the urge to destory everything in his room like he destroyed my heart, ripping the strings out from my rib cage.

"Zayn wait-"

The wind picks up more, leaves skid across the empty street. I tug the drawstring on my hood, tuck my hands into the front pocket and walk as briskly as I can, stumbling over uneven pavement, tears blurring my vision.

I fall onto the sidewalk, curl my knees up to my chest and sob. The only thing that could make me feel better is getting up on the pole and setting myself free.

Why can't the world be kind to me for once? Was Claire trying to warn me when she said I trust too easily, that I would end up hurt?

I never expected my best friend to betray me. If Liam was unhappy he could have been man enough to tell me the truth. Maybe he realized he wanted to be with a woman, that he needed straight sex, needed her.

This won't break me. It can't. I have a part to play, I have men to please, money to make.

I could spiral into a deep depression, wallow in self-pity and drown in a sea of tears. I could pop some pills, chase my sorrow down with alcohol but it isn't worth the energy. I feel cold and alone.

You aren't worthless. Stop crying.

I'm shaking uncomfortably, face in my hands. I've lost everything: my father's love, my best friend, the man I was willing to devote my life to.

All for what?

It feels like I'm stuck in a baf dream or a horrible cliche movie as rain starts dropping from the clouds. I feel a shiver all the way through to my bones, arms wrapped around my thin waist.

Why do I do this to myself? I swear I'll never love again. If I ever let myself fall I'll-

I sniffle, wipe away my tears. Gain some composure.

breathe in,

out.

I'm itching for a cigarette. My cravings are never this bad but I'm desperate. I'd smoke my way through a whole carton if I thought it would ease the pain.

It's fine. Knock me down ten times, I'll get back up eleven.

I call home, relieved to hear my sonshine.

"Mum," my voice cracks. "I need you."

"My baby," she says softly. "I'm always here for you, I love you."

"Tell dad I'm sorry for everything, all I ever do is make mistakes-"

"Shh," she whispers. "Come back home sweet boy. We can talk in the morning."

I'm quiet, careful not to wake my sisters. "Zayn," she stops on the the stairs, kisses the top of my head.

My eyes are puffy, clothes soaked and all I want is her warmth.

"You're drenched, take a warm shower and I'll toss a towel in the dryer for you."

I hug her tightly weeping all over again. My mum is the most understanding person in the world, she has a heart of gold.

She sits on the edge of my bed after I shower, asks me to tell her what's going on and I don't know where to start.

"I haven't been completely honest with you. There's something I think you should know about me."

"Of course," she smiles, ruffling my hair.

"Mum," I swallow thickly, chest tight. "I...I like guys."

She doesn't say anything, just looks into my eyes and nods before she tucks me in her arms, cries so softly it kills me.

"I didn't mean to upset you."

"No," she pulls away, dries her eyes. "I want you to always be true to yourself, to do what makes you happy."

"What about dad," I ask.

"That's something we'll tackle another time. I want you to always trust me and know that you can come to me anytime you need me. I will always support you."

She leaves and I stare at the ceiling, muttering to myself "it doesn't matter now anyway, fuck what love does to me."