SHITTY SHITS

75

i stepped inside the school bound.
the guard quickly shutting off the big gate.
i'm back.
the memories, the pain, the sadness.
new faces and some old, i saw them looking at me.
i stepped within a line of students -classmates.
they threw me a glance and a smile.
i just acted like i'm busy with my phone.

that's me, i'm getting rid of socializing.
an hour has passed and i felt my battery in me getting low again.
not my phone, okay? me. myself. my body. my self esteem. my confidence.
tightly shutted lips far across the room,
there was i, watching the others as they gossip about their lives.

there was him, the guy that i once liked.
there was her, the friend that i once was closed to.
there was them, the people who once was special to me.
there was me, alone, ignored, out of their world.

i don't wanna talk,
i don't wanna see them.
i'm avoiding eye contact.
just listening to the teacher and what she says.
i do talk but for only a minute and that's done.
my words are limited unlike before that in the end of the day, i used to loose my voice from talking but now, it isn't.

the people who turned me into something new are here beside me.
circling around me.
my heart beat getting really, really fast now.
i held the upper right corner of my arm chair.
trying to control my breathing.
trying to control the tears.
two months of vacation isn't enough.
i need a life time rest on a far, far away land.

i'm not done with the thoughts.
anxiety is attacking me again.
sooner or later, i'll blew up.
fuck. i want this to be over now.
let me out of this hell. i beg you, please.

seeing them makes me nauseous.
seeing their true colors inside makes me wanna vomit.
there are words that are up on my head.
"this one hurt you, stay away."
"this one bullied you, stay away."
"this one lied and spilled your secrets in the crowd, go away."
"this one broke your whole reputation, go away."
as much as i wanna talk to them, i can't.

i'm so afraid of criticism.
their words cuts like a knife,
they even left me scars now.
they are strangers with an "X" on their face.
i can't be close to them anymore.
i can't trust them no more.

i want to burry myself inside my dark hole again.
i wanna stay away,
i wanna go back.
i don't wanna see the light with them beside me.
i wanna be alone.

it's alright if nobody talks to me, but it kinda hurts me.
acting like nothing ever happened.
acting like they didn't do a scandalous scene.

oh no, my feet is trembling.
fear is conquering my whole self again.
my heart is getting crushed with the tight strings around.
i can't breathe. somebody help me.
PLEASE. SAVE ME.

***
i'm feeling something on my neck right now, it feels like i'm choking up. i can't breathe y'all. help.