Fallen for the Star (Stardom Series #1)

FFTS 37

ღ Zaydine

Nandito ako sa kwarto ko ngayon at iniisip ko ang nangyari kanina. Di ako sumagot sa tanong ni Traven if I want him back. Di ko sinagot pero naghalikan kami. Ang gaga ko!

Nag-dadalawang isip ako kung babalikan ko siya. Kasi kung sakaling maging kami ulit mag tatago na naman kami. Di na sa mga kakilala namin kundi sa public. I don't know if I can handle more stress in my life. Kaka-recover ko lang sa nangyari sa akin last month.

I want to get back with him, but this time siguro iisipin ko muna ang sarili ko at ang mental health ko kasi kapag madagdagan pa ang stressful experience ko baka di ko na kakayanin pa.

"Bakit ang hirap sumaya?" I bitterly smile to myself. I know a lot of people see me as a happy person but deep inside I'm not happy. Since I was a kid I have never been in my happiest state.

All the memories from the past came back to me. I remembered when I was a child I'm always neglected because I wasn't the favorite child. I work my butt off and study well, kahit di ko na isipin ang sarili kong kasayahan at kalusugan. Nagawa ko lang 'yon to get my parents approval and para ma-proud sila sa akin, still it wasn't enough.

When I met my first boyfriend at first I was happy. I thought that he is the happiness that I was looking for, but it all turned out to be the opposite... wala lang din siyang binigay sa akin kung hindi pain. Lalong-lalo na ang kapatid niya.

Dos is the one who gave me all the hardest pain in my life. He almost killed me twice. From... the drug he put on my drink, pushing me off the stairs  and stabbing me. From that, I developed a lot of traumas. I started to have trust issues, nightmares, and sudden breakdowns because of flashbacks. I can't sleep. Even sleeping scared me that time because I'm afraid that I will have nightmares again.

Then there's Andrei... he became my Best friend and he keeps me happy despite all my breakdown episodes. When I started liking him nasasaktan lang rin ako dahil nakikita ko siyang may gustong iba. What hurts me the most is we almost ended our friendship.

Lastly, Traven. He made me feel happy during the time that I'm with him. With all the hugs, kisses, and time we spent together, I was sincerely happy. But again, I feel pain because I have to let him go for him to reach for his dream. Which is worth it because now he is successful. For years I thought he couldn't wait for me and didn't keep his promise... but it was all clear to me now.

Sometimes, I feel like... I have done something bad in my past life for me to experienced all of this on this lifetime. Do I have a bad karma from my past? To deserve all of this? The world is really unfair... yung iba nabibigyan nang kasiyahan pero di lahat. Yung iba may happy endings at maganda na ang buhay pero di lahat. Siguro kung fair lang ang mundo lahat sana tayo masaya at walang pain na nararandaman. Sa oras na ito may umiiyak, may masaya, may nasasaktan, at iba pang emosyon.

Pero at the end of the day I'm still thankful for all the blessing I've receive. Swerte pa rin ako kahit papano.

#

Kinabukasan, I started working on Traven's clothes. Since malapit na siya mag shoot ng music video niya. I need to be focus and get this done.

"Ms. Sheridan, andito na po si Mr. Traven," sabi ng assistant ko.

"Papasukin mo na, Thank you." Mayamaya ay pumasok na si Traven sa office ko at umupo sa sofa. Naka-tingin lang siya sa akin.