I will be loved

Chapter 3 Invisible

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Chapter 3

 I woke up the next morning exhausted. I had barely slept all night, tossing and turning, dreaming both of that man Sebastian Lord and then of the horrible words of my sister. 

 I got out of bed slowly, hesitantly. 

 How do I keep on living when there is no reason? How do I keep on living when you feel empty inside when the joy has run away? Wasn’t I born to be loved?

 Touching my lips, I remembered Sebastian’s kiss. I could still feel his hot moist lips. So warm. So hard.  Yet still full of pity for me. My first kiss and it wasn’t for me. It was for my sister. I laughed to my insight. Nobody has ever loved me not even my parents.

 Since the day I was born I have lived in the shadow of my sister.

 Tatiana was born first with her unique delicate features golden hair, polished white skin, puckered rose lips, beautiful blue eyes. My parents embraced her immediately. They thought she resembled God’s perfectness.  If it wasn’t for my mother’s ‘contractions and pain she wouldn’t even notice I was born six minutes later. I think my parents barely noticed me after that. 

What a shame I was smaller, skinnier and with olive green eyes. I was also a sick baby.  I was placed in an incubator something was wrong with my heart.  Two days after our birth my parents went home with Tatiana. I was left behind. I needed surgery. Since that moment on I would never have a real family bond with my sister or my parents. In fact after a few months and a couple heart surgeries on a random rainy day of October I was brought home.

 Finally home. I wasn’t received by parents. I was picked up by a nurse. At home I was placed in a baby crib not in the same room with Tatiana. I awaited my parent’s welcome but it never came. It would never come.  They were too busy attending the already social life of Tatiana.

 I walked to the bathroom. I kept thinking and counting all the people that once surrounded my life from nannies to nurses. Not even they had shown affection. They were paid to take care of me not to love me.

 When I looked at myself in the mirror I didn’t see the scared girl who would hide in the garden. I saw the reflection of not a girl but a woman.  Maybe not beautiful but I was a woman.  Maybe if I paid more attention to the way I looked or dressed I would feel better with myself.

 “Why do I have this sudden desire to look attractive?” I mumbled to myself. I looked once more to the mirror and I laughed out loud. “Me attractive?”

 Taking off my pajama I starred the mirror, while I touched the hard scars on my chest.  It made me remember that after all I was a survivor. The incision that once exposed my heart to surgeons was at least is 8 inches. It made shivered. I never expose my chest. I’m just self-conscious of being stared at.

 I ran the cool water I wanted to wash away all my insecurities.  I wanted to let go the bitterness that had been my companion for last years. I had to move I had to face the reality.  My dream days were gone. Adrian would marry my sister and there was nothing I could do about it.

 How long  I was there I didn't know.  The knock on the door “Ms. Lea, are you ok?” The servant asked.

 “Yes, everything is ok. I will be out in a minute.” I responded in a cool manner.

 Since my sister’s engagement, my mother had this annoying idea of family and she made us gather at least for one meal. It was usually breakfast.  We would have breakfast in the garden. My sacred place had to be witness of such hypocrisy. Even my presence was requested.

 Once upon a time I would like the notion that I was part of the family.  Now it was irritating. I sat there and listen to the family’s talk.  I never talked. I didn’t fit into their conversation.

Today my mother kept talking and talking of all the things they had to plan for my sister’s wedding. 

 “Good morning, everyone.” A familiar voice said.

 That voice snapped me out of my inner foul mood. It was Adrian. I observed him as he walked to the table.  He was tall with broad shoulders. The rest of him was lean and firm. His hair was dark brown. The best part about him was his brown eyes. They seemed so warm. But anyone who knew him could see how they twinkled with mischievous intent.

 Did I blush? I asked myself internally. I tried to focus on the dead cold breakfast I had in my plate.

 He greeted my parents. He brought Tatiana’s hand slowly to his lips laying a soft kiss.  She just smiled back. As he said: “The most beautiful fiancée.” 

 “And how is my best friend?” He asked giving me a big smile. 

 It took my breath away.

 “You look different today.” He commented.

I gave him a shy smile. “It’s just your imagination”

My mother started talking about the wedding making my dad invisible and as always making me just as invisible.

Then the conversation took an unexpected turn.  My father, James Blackwill, leaned towards Adrian asking him. “What do you think about Sebastian Lord?  Should we extend our negotiations with him?”

 I felt chills going up my spine.  Sighing to myself, I tried not to let them see my reaction to his name.

 Suddenly Tatiana asked overly excited. “Why don’t you ask Lea? I saw them chatting last night when I got home after dinner.” Her eyes shined while still giving me a mocking smile. I could feel the gaze of everyone on me. 

  My mother’s hard gaze the most,  “Tell me the details. I didn’t notice.”

Oh God. I felt all my blood go to my cheeks.  I tried to sound calm, “He seemed interested in our garden. Be… before he left I accompanied him through the garden to his car.”

 “Please don’t annoy your father’s guests with the stupid visions of your garden.  A man like him will never be interested in something so absurd.”  She kept blabbering. “What a shame”.

 For once my father said something in my behalf.  “It’s ok. She didn’t do anything wrong.”

 I could see with the corner of my eye how Tatiana was enjoying the moment.

 On the other side my best friend, Adrian knew I was lying.  He didn’t believe anything I said. His body language said it all.  He knew me like the palm of his hand.

 The shocking moment came when the servant came in the garden with a beautiful eye-catching flower pot.  It was Vanda pachara a rare orchid hybrid. It had deep sapphire blue eye catching blooms.

 “Ms. Lea this was delivered for you.”  The servant said while handing me an envelope.

 How many surprises could my heart stand?

 “Open it, open it.” My mother commanded desperately.

 “‘For your beautiful garden.’ Sebastian Lord….”

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