How Much I Know - a Renegades | Marissa Meyer fan fiction

Chapter 7

Mara checked to see if her father was safely asleep. He was the person she cared most about. Nothing could happen to him when she was around.

She pulled on her long coat and her rugged shoes. She planted a kiss on her father's temple before locking the door and heading out into the cool night air. Heading down the deserted street felt comforting somehow. Mara usually felt safer in crowds, but not tonight. Something felt different in her today.

She neared the library doors quietly, as if she were worried one misplaced breath from her could shatter the tranquility of this moment. One wrong move could bring the world toppling in on itself.

Without her consent, a single tear made its way down her cheek. She was always taking steps in this dance. Telling others the things they wanted to hear, helping people help themselves, wearing herself out in an attempt to make the world a better place. She had no time for her own desires. No time to have a hobby, or any life of her own. What was the point of hoping, anyway, when those hopes had not a chance of becoming reality?

Mara steeled her expression and pushed open the grand doors to the library. Gene Cronin noticed her first. "You're early today, Mara." He sounded relieved. "I'm just placing the books to their shelves. Could you bring me that box over there?" He pointed to a box filled with the books that had been returned to the library earlier that day.

Mara smiled and skipped over to the counter, collecting the books as she went. "Mr. Cronin, do you have any news? Any new books to share?" Gene relaxed, as he did when Mara was around. She tried to be as polite and helpful as possible, but it was all an act. No one knew that except her father; the one person she trusted that much. Mara had even forgotten how to feel truly happy for herself. She reminded herself often that that was good. She didn't need anyone. She wanted to help, not gouge her way into others' lives.

Mentally sighing, while on the outside grinning, she listened attentively to the Librarian as he described one of his favorite books. He started reciting for her as they moved between the aisles, stacking books, picking them up off the floor, and disposing of the most recent school group's trash. Narcissa was nowhere in sight, and Gene said that she was off with her friends. That brought a stab of pain to Mara's heart. She had no friends. She couldn't commit to anything, and she didn't want to disappoint anyone with her kindness. Mara wanted to help the people who needed it most, and wasn't willing to waste her time with people who didn't fit that category. With the exception of her father, of course. He was her best motivator to be kind. If it weren't for him, she would probably be another selfish human being.

When Gene had regurgitated everything he found remotely interesting in the books he read that day, Mara started singing. It was quiet, but not shy. She sang of peace and harmony. Of a life where no one had to hide. She knew such a thing was not very plausible, but it was fun to sing about. Then she caught herself. Fun. How long had it been since she'd said that word without second-guessing it? Seven years? Eight? It didn't matter anyway. She wasn't doing any of this for her own benefit. It was for everyone else that deserved it more than she did.

She did not notice when the Librarian halted his work to stand closer to her, gazing at her face as she sang. When he put his hand on Mara's shoulder, she startled and her singing halted. She looked up at his pity-filled face. His eyes were creased in worry. He took a breath, making to speak, but then thought better of it and removed his hand. "You should get back to work," were his only words.

Mara knew what he was going to say. He was about to break to her that the world could never be what she sang about. If only he could know that she knew that better than anyone.

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"Is that all you need from me, Mr. Cronin?" Mara said once they were done filing the basement portion of the library.