Free to Love

Chapter 21

Mallory

Things were going okay. Which was probably really weird, given the circumstances.

Dr. Thomas put me on some pretty hardcore pain meds. The chronic pain was from the bone cancer. The meds definitely helped, but Dr. T told me that eventually I might need to go on something stronger, possibly through an IV. I was keeping the stupid port in for this reason and for any future chemotherapy.

I had to go back every week for a blood test to measure if I was strong enough to handle a new round of chemo. So far, three weeks after getting my diagnosis, my blood work was not great.

Shawn and I were maintaining a pretty normal life. Most of our time was spent parenting, which brought me joy. A lot happened during my chemo that I missed out on. Nolan had started walking and talking. Of course I was around for that, but I'd been too sick to be as involved with those milestones as I'd been with Gracie. Poor Nolan went from being fully dependent on me to having a part-time mother. I was so thankful that Shawn and our parents were there to pick up the slack.

We got back into a routine. We'd get up with our early-rising children, have breakfast as a family, play together or do some sort of craft, read books, eat lunch, nap, have an outing (though I often sat this out because my energy level was low), cook dinner, watch a movie, and then it was bedtime.

It comforted me to know that Gracie would have some memories of us being a happy family. Sadly, Nolan would never remember me. He'd have pictures and videos, but he was too young for actual memories. Maybe that was best. If he forgot me, he'd miss me less.

It had been hard telling everyone outside the family circle our news. We'd decided to be blunt and make it clear that unless a miracle happened, I was probably terminal. I knew that the odds of my body bouncing back enough for more chemo were unlikely.

Vera and Kris had not taken it well. They wanted to fly to see me, but I convinced them not to. I made a point to call or text them frequently to reassure them I was still around and doing okay.

Shawn told his friends, but I decided to text Brian. I asked him to make sure the guys were there for Shawn and to please not be afraid of his grieving. I'd read a lot about loss, and young men were notorious for backing away from those who had lost someone because it was uncomfortable. Shawn would need his friends to distract him and lighten his mood.

My playgroup friends were wonderfully supportive. They offered childcare, meals, and rides to the doctor. I told them to hold off on the meals for now, but that they'd be needed later.

Shawn contacted Andrew. The album was being delayed further. Of course the label understood. I wished Shawn would throw himself back into his music as a sort of therapy, but he'd shut the door on his studio and had not opened it for months.

~~~~~~

"Happy meetaversary!" Shawn said as I entered the kitchen.

I smiled. "I thought we agreed years ago to never use that horrible word."

He laughed. "Sorry. I couldn't help it. But seriously, four years, baby. That's pretty good!"

The unspoken part of all this was that it was most likely the last time we'd be celebrating the day we'd met. It was undoubtedly on his mind as much as it was on mine.

"Something smells good," I said as I got myself a coffee.

"I made a breakfast casserole. It's a recipe I found on some southern website. I thought you'd like it since you're a Virginia girl."