Free to Love

Chapter 18

Shawn

"How are you doing?" my mom asked as we sat on the patio.

I was at their house with the kids, who my dad and Aaliyah were playing with in the pool. Mallory was at home. She was on her break between rounds two and three of chemo and had suggested I take the kids out so that she could have a few hours of quiet. It killed me to leave her alone, but she'd been insistent.

"Mal's having an okay week. Next week will be rough since we start the last round."

My mom reached out and grabbed my hand firmly. "Shawn, I asked how you were."

I took my eyes off my kids and met my mother's intense gaze.

"I'm fine."

She shook her head. "No, you're not. And no one expects you to be. You and I have time to talk. Please let me in. Tell me what this is like for you."

"I'm scared," I said quietly. "Terrified."

"That's understandable."

I looked back at my two beautiful children. My dad was actually getting Grace to float on her back. Aaliyah had Nolan laughing up a storm as she gave him a ride around the pool in his floaty.

"I don't know if I can handle losing her. I know I have to for them, but I sometimes feel like my life is tied so closely to hers that if she goes, I'll just disappear or fade away, like there won't be a me anymore without her."

I looked back at my mom and saw the tears falling down her cheeks.

"Don't worry, I would never hurt myself. I love my children and you guys too much for that," I said, knowing she might have taken my words literally.

"When do you get any news about the progress of the treatment?"

"After the third round. Mal will go through all those tests again and then we'll know," I explained.

"I talked to Jean. She said they were coming back during week two of the final round."

"Yeah, you'll get a break for a couple weeks. They can watch the kids during chemo."

"Your dad and I don't need a break, Shawn. We'd do anything for you and Mallory. We love her, you know. But I think it's really important that her parents get to help, for their sakes. I can't imagine what it's like for them to be in Virginia during all this," she said.

"I know. I don't think I fully understood how hard it would be to have a sick child until I had my children."

~~~~~~

The next day, I woke up with my arms around Mallory. Her body was pressed tightly against mine. For a split second, before I opened my eyes, it felt like the mornings before she'd gotten sick. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying desperately to hold on to that feeling of normalcy. Several things yanked it away from me, though. My wife's body was painfully thin and frail. It didn't feel like it used to. Also, my head was nestled at the back of her neck. When I'd woken up in this position in the past, I'd have her hair in my face. There was no hair.

Mal must have sensed that I was awake because she started to stir and then rolled over to face me. She may have been sick, but god she was still beautiful. I smiled as I looked at her sweet face.

"Good morning," she said.

"Morning," I replied. And then I leaned forward and kissed her.

She wound her arms around my neck and pulled me closer, surprising me by deepening the kiss. Our bodies pressed against each other, and I felt myself grow excited. I pulled away, worried that I might be taking things too far.