Free to Love

Chapter 61

Joanna

"Oh no!" I exclaimed before quickly kneeling down next to the broken frame.

As I picked it up, I saw that the photo inside was unharmed and breathed a sigh of relief. It was almost like damaging the picture would have actually hurt Mallory.

I stood up to get a broom and dustpan and looked at Shawn. His face was red and he was glaring at me.

"What the fuck was that?" he asked through clenched teeth.

"I-I was upset, but I wasn't going to do anything. You startled me and I dropped the picture. I'm so sorry."

He just stared at me.

I hurried into the utility closet and got what I needed to clean the broken glass. He stood frozen, just watching me. After I'd gotten it swept up, I got out the vacuum just to be sure there were no tiny shards of glass anywhere. When I was satisfied that it was okay, I carefully removed the photo from the broken frame and set it on the kitchen island.

"I'll run out today to get you a new frame," I said.

Shawn seemed to snap out of his state of shock. "We're supposed to leave for the house soon. I'll get a new frame when we get back."

I looked up at him. His cheeks were still flushed, but the angry look had left his face.

"I'm not going," I said quietly.

His expression turned to confusion. "Why? Is it because of what just happened? I'm sorry I shouted, Jo. You have no idea what it looked like when I walked in here."

I shook my head. "I know exactly what it looked like. I understand your reaction, too. You don't need to apologize."

He took a step closer to me. "Then what's wrong?"

"I don't think I can marry you," I told him, surprising myself that I could say the words I'd been thinking since he'd said Mallory's name in bed this morning.

Shawn closed the gap between us and grabbed my shoulders. "Joanna! What are you talking about? We talked last night and everything was fine!"

I pried his hands off me and walked over to the couch and sat down. "There's more to talk about," I said.

He joined me. "What's going on? What the hell could have happened since last night for you to decide you aren't marrying me?!"

His tone was a mixture of hurt and frustration. This was understandable.

My emotions were starting to surface again. I really needed to be able to tell him my issues without falling apart. I took several calming breaths before talking.

"You called me Mallory's name."

"I what? When? I think I'd know if I did that!"

"This morning, in bed, before you were awake. I was, um, pressing against you and you were excited. You called me your wife's name. Twice."

His face fell. This obviously bothered him almost as much as it bothered me.

"I'm so sorry, baby. I'm sure it was because of the anniversary. Fuck. That must have been terrible for you," he said apologetically.

"It's not even the first time it's happened, Shawn. Since we've been together, it's happened four or five times."

He stood up and ran both hands through his hair. "Why haven't you said anything?"

"I don't know. I guess I never knew what to say. Plus, I feel like confronting you about Mallory is kind of off-limits. Like it makes me a total bitch to even bring it up."

He stared at me for a second. "I've told you that you and I have to be able to talk about anything. That includes Mallory."

"It's not just that you say her name. It's that you say it when you're aroused. She's the one you want to be with. I'm just a substitute."

"That's not true, Joanna."

"It is true. If you could have her back right now, you would. And I understand that. I know she's the love of your life. I accept that. But the bottom line is that I know I'd be cast aside if she was here. And that hurts."

"But Mallory can't come back, so that's a ridiculous hypothetical situation. It's unfair of you to hold that against me."

"I know. But it still hurts to know it's the truth. I'm never going to be the love of your life. I know you love me. It's not that I think you don't. But it's not the same level of love. I'm your second choice."

Shawn sat down next to me. "Stop saying that."

"There are other things. You have her name tattooed on your ring finger. It's like you'll always be married to her, even after you marry me. And what you did for your anniversary killed me. I understand why you hold on to that tradition, but it was this huge public declaration of love for Mallory. It's like you wanted the world to know that even though you were marrying me, Mallory was still number one."

"That's not why I did it!"

"It felt like that, though. And people seemed to agree with me. Look at the responses you got. Maybe you didn't mean it intentionally, but I think your subconscious was coming through loud and clear."

"I'm not doing the projection again. It's done. Okay? No more. I fucked up and I'm sorry."

I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks.

"Even if you don't do it again, she's still everywhere. I can't look around this place or the house in the woods without seeing her face. I'm constantly reminded that I'm the replacement. You belong to her."

"You want me to take down all the photos?"

"No. I'd never ask you to do that. You have two young children who that would upset. I'm not strong enough to live in a home with Mallory, though. I can't share you with a ghost. I need to be with someone who only wants me. I need to be with someone who thinks of me when he's asleep and having sexual thoughts. I can't be a runner-up."

And then I slid my engagement ring off my finger and set it on the coffee table.

He looked at it and shook his head. "You're so wrong, Joanna. I don't see you as a substitute or second choice. I love you," he said, his voice breaking.

I looked him in the eye. "Then tell me that I'm the one you dream of at night and that I'm the one you wake up thinking about every morning."

I knew this question was unfair. I'd gone into my relationship with Shawn knowing that he was never getting over his wife. That was my mistake. I should have known that eventually this would happen. This was on me.

Shawn opened his mouth as if he were going to say something, but he stopped.

I stood up and leaned towards him, kissing him lightly on the forehead.

"I love you so much Shawn. I'm sorry I'm not a strong enough woman to be able to live in another woman's shadow."

I went to the bedroom and got dressed. I picked up my bag and walked out to the living area. Shawn was sitting on the couch, his head buried in his hands. I grabbed my purse and walked to the door.

As the door was shutting, I heard him shout, "Joanna! Wait!" but I let it close. I stood on the other side of the door, thinking maybe it would open and he'd pull me back inside. Maybe he'd even tell me the words I thought were impossible for him to say. Maybe he'd tell me I was the one.

But the door didn't open. After a minute, I walked to the elevator. I pressed the button and waited, glancing back at his door, willing it to open. Nope.

I went down to the parking garage and got in my car where I broke into hysterics. I sat there crying until I was able to drive myself home.