Free to Love

Chapter 23

Mallory

One of the things I learned from my many online cancer support groups was that at some point, you have to start getting your shit in order if you are terminal.

It was not looking good for me. I continued to get tested to see if I could undergo more treatment, but my blood cell counts were consistently off. Dr. Thomas told me in the gentlest way possible that I should accept that continuing treatment was unlikely, so I started the task of preparing for my eventual absence.

For a lot of people, this means getting finances in order or making funeral arrangements. For me it was different.

Halloween had been part of it. I knew Shawn thought I'd gone overboard, but I loved making those costumes. More than that, I loved watching my children go trick-or-treating, even if I had to watch from a wheelchair. Sure some photos got out, but it was still 100% worth it for me to be there with them. I didn't care about the publicity like Shawn did. I knew it wasn't that he was ashamed of his cancer-stricken wife; he just hated for something so private, like my obvious state of decline, to go public. He took it very personally that my illness was being exploited. It was good he was off social media, but he still saw things on online news sites and got very worked up about it.

Andrew had called after the photos were leaked. He wanted to issue another lengthy statement. I convinced Shawn not to do this. What was there to say? There was no need to confirm that things were bad, because that was pretty obvious from the photos. Denying my condition was futile.

My next project was the new house. I was incredibly sad that I'd never get to live there. The house was so totally mine in its design that I wanted to finish what I'd started. I emailed every furniture company I could think of and had them send me catalogs. I'd already selected the paint colors, since the house had been painted some time ago. I had the color chips in front of me as I selected furniture for each room. I cut out my choices and clipped all the pieces for each room together. It was actually pretty fun.

Shawn often saw me going through catalogs, but I don't think he knew how meticulously I was planning everything. Of course he didn't have to use my ideas. If he wanted to decorate it on his own, or even hire an interior designer, that was fine. I just wanted him to have the option to use what I'd envisioned when we were first planning the house.

Another thing I did was put together a notebook of our favorite recipes that I felt Shawn could make. I wrote very explicit directions to make them fail-proof. Maybe this was micromanaging, but I'd done all the cooking for our entire marriage. He had two young kids to feed and would have to learn how to make them healthy meals. Thankfully, people would probably provide him with food through the first few weeks when his grief was the worst. I'd spoken to Gail, and my playgroup friends were prepared to feed my family for awhile.

One of my harder projects was contacting people to say goodbye or to ask them favors. I needed some people to assure me they'd look after certain things for me. I wrote lots of emails and letters. Phone calls would have been too difficult.

Even harder than that was writing letters for Grace and Nolan. I thought about writing them both lots of letters to be opened annually, but in the end I decided to do one each, to be opened on their 16th birthdays. 16 is an important age. You're a child, but you are starting to experience adulthood. In my letters I shared some stories about myself at that age, many of them hilarious. I also offered some advice. They'd undoubtedly ignore my wise words, but that was okay. I wanted to have the chance to say them. I also included my favorite photos in the letters. Each got a photo of me holding them right after they were born. You could feel my love for my babies when you looked at those pictures, and I wanted them to know that I loved them more than anything.

While I was sorting through photos, I created digital photo albums for each year Shawn and I were together. I'd already made baby albums for both children, but these new albums were more for Shawn.

I couldn't write Shawn a letter, though. I tried, but I just couldn't do it. I knew deep down that I didn't need to. He'd always know how much I loved him. It was funny that our relationship started out so rocky and so full of doubt, but now, not so many years later, we were as in love as two people could be.

Shawn worked so hard to put on a positive face for me and our children. Inside he was suffering, though. I'd look over at him when he didn't know I was watching, and I'd see the pain in his eyes. I knew he wasn't sleeping well, because he looked tired all the time.

It scared me to think how he'd react after I was gone. I honestly worried about him the most. I knew that my children would bounce back because they were both so young. Nolan was the luckiest since he'd eventually forget me. Perhaps it's odd to consider that lucky, but it was better than grieving.

I was totally confident in Shawn's ability to raise Grace and Nolan. That gave me an unmeasurable amount of peace. He was the best father in the world and he'd continue to be so. He'd throw himself into taking care of them. What worried me was that he wouldn't take care of himself.

More than anything else, I wanted those I was leaving behind to be happy. They'd grieve. It would be terrible for awhile. But after time passed, I wanted them to live again and to experience joy. I couldn't stand the thought of my parents living the rest of their lives in misery. I knew their relationship with the children would bring them happiness. It was the same for Shawn. Nolan and Gracie would continue to be an endless source of light in his life, but I didn't want there to be darkness inside him because I was gone. He had to move on.

Maybe I was crazy, but I wanted him to find love again. I had no feelings of jealousy towards any future lover. If there was someone out there who could give him what we had, then I was thankful to her. Shawn was such a passionate loving man, he deserved to have someone to share that with. I hated the thought of him being alone.

Yes, I knew there'd be a grieving period. He wouldn't want to date for a while. And that was fine. But once he felt he could reenter that world, I wanted him to know he had my blessing. It was more than just my blessing, really. I wanted it for him.

Doing all this preparation for my death wasn't always easy to do because my pain medication made me drowsy. I'd make sure I gave myself several unmedicated hours a day to be productive. Sure I was in pain without my meds, but I could deal with it. I'd do anything to help those I loved after I was gone.