Free to Love

Chapter 36

Shawn

"I want you, Shawn," Brooke whispered in my ear as she grinded against me.

I was sure it was evident that I wanted her, too. But that was my body speaking, not my mind. My mind was saying no. Things had already gone further than they'd gone before. I wasn't ready to go all the way.

I pushed her back slightly. "I-I can't."

She climbed off my lap and sat next to me. "Is it because you just had your anniversary?"

I threw my head back and looked up at the ceiling. "I don't know. Maybe. I'm just not ready."

"It's sweet what you do each year. The thing on the building. Every year it pops up in my Instagram feed."

"Mm hm." I was still trying to work my way down from the physical excitement. Talking about this certainly helped.

"Do you think doing that makes it harder to move on, though?"

I turned and looked at her. "It's important to me."

"I know. And I know you still love her and always will. But are you letting yourself heal? Have you given yourself permission to let go a little?" she asked.

I knew that Brooke was trying to help. I also understood she had a reason for concern. My inability to not move on was definitely impacting our relationship. We were at an impasse.

"I'm getting there, Brooke. A year ago I never would have considered a date, let alone kissing someone. I'm making progress." I paused. "You don't have to wait for me. I understand that dating me must be a fucking nightmare. I'm damaged. I'd understand completely if you wanted out."

Brooke scooted closer to me. "I'll wait. I really like you. I want things to work out for us."

                              ~~~~~~

I'd decided to throw a big joint birthday party for Grace and Nolan. We were at the park again. Everyone in both classes had been invited, plus all of our family and friends. It was pretty extravagant. There were several moon bounces plus a big inflatable ball pit. I'd also hired some professionals to run games for the kids.

My dad and I couldn't grill for that many people, so instead I'd gotten the party catered. It was mostly kid-friendly food. There were tons of subs, chips, fruit, and of course a huge birthday cake for each of my kids. I'd used the bakery that Mal and I loved. Grace had a cake in the shape of a mermaid and Nolan had chosen a Captain America shield for his design. I made sure to order some more adult foods since there'd be just as many grown-ups there as kids. For the adults the caterers made things like crab cake sandwiches and chicken wings.

"You could be a professional party planner," Andrew said.

We were standing by the biggest of the moon bounces watching the kids go up and down inside.

"It's not that hard when you hire out for everything. Mallory would say this party was very 'extra' but I think she'd also love it."

I kicked myself for bringing up Mallory, especially when Brooke was standing beside me. This was the first family event I'd brought her to, which was a little stressful for me. That was probably why Mallory was on my mind.

A week before the party I'd told the kids I was dating someone. They'd not reacted well. Grace was angry, and Nolan was confused. To them, their mama was the only one for me. I couldn't say I totally disagreed with them. No one would ever replace her.

They'd met Brooke at the start of the party and were very polite to her, and she was super sweet to them. She knew this wasn't easy for them. They'd run off to join their friends almost immediately, so it wasn't like they got to know her at all.