Davekat Oneshots

I'm So Sorry

Pov Karkat
I let out a long sigh as I look up to the ceiling while I lay across my bed. I listen to the music that plays from my phone as I slowly close my eyes trying to ignore this feeling coming from my stomach.
It feels like- lately... everything and everyone has been so against me. I don't know what this feeling is but it's been slowly killing me inside and I feel so- so alone.
I've tried talking with Dave about it... but I didn't want to concern him. He's been such a perfect boyfriend lately and so happy. I didn't want to take that away from him...
Dave honestly deserves so much more happiness than I give him. I'm not good enough. I never have been nor will I ever be.
We've been dating for two years... We live together now and have grown so much as a couple.
He makes me so happy and gives me this feeling that I can't even explain. It pains me that I haven't been able to talk to Dave about how I've been feeling lately...
Dave is aware I had issues in my past. He knows about my depression- he knows about my anxiety or anorexia. He's helped me through so many of my problems.
It got better... For awhile. I took notice that thoughts of eating made me sick or after meals I'd regret the amount I ate.
Lately it feels like I just have- static going through my mind. I hear these voices- people from my past reminding me of what I failure I am or how I've made so many wrong choices and decisions.
Today it's something different. It's this feeling of fear and unease just sitting in my stomach. It's as if something horrible is going to happen and all I can do it wait.
Dave currently isn't here. He went out to go visit John awhile ago. I guess they wanted to hang for a bit since it's been awhile.
That also didn't give me the best feeling and I know Dave knew that.
John came out as gay to all of our friends about a year ago. He also informed Dave he liked him more than just a bro about a month ago. Even though he knew Dave and I were still dating he pushed himself onto Dave.
Of course Dave being the loving and faithful boyfriend he is, rejected John.
I didn't like them hanging out the amount they did because John has never really- liked me.
But, I trust Dave. So I let him hang out with John as much as he wants.
I slowly move my body up so I'm sitting up as I gently rub my eyes letting a few tears fall.
"Gog what the fuck is wrong with you? You're such an emotional, pathetic, piece of shit. It wouldn't surprise me if Dave left today just to get rid of you for a bit. You're annoying to be around and nobody likes you."
I fiercely shake my head trying to scare my thoughts away. I pick slightly at my sleeve causing me to let out a small hiss feeling pain come from the many cuts placed across my arms.
My cutting has become worse again too... I was able to control it for awhile. But then I started seeing things negatively again and nothing was ever good enough.
I feel like the cuts I place across my skin represent the features I wish I could fix about myself. It's a sign to the world that I know I'm not good enough. I want to leave this body. I want to stop breathing. I don't deserve the right to live.
If I cut deeper it would solve my problem. I just-
No. Stop. I can't keep thinking like this. Dave loves me... He tells me every day he loves me. He's reminded me how he wouldn't be able to live without me. I can't.
He only says that because he pities you. If he had the chance he would leave. But he can't because you're too pathetic on your own.
I wrap my hands around my waist letting out a loud sob.
"I'm so scared..."
I'm not strong enough on my own. I really am pathetic-
I hear my phone ring loudly telling me I've received a text and I jump for my phone hoping for it to be Dave.
I click on my screen and open my text messages and I see it was John who texted me with a picture along with some context.
"What the fuck.?"
I click on the picture to see John sitting in Dave's lap as my eyes move over to their lips and I see them connected- John has this evil grin on his face and Dave's eyes are covered by his shades but from what I can see they're closed.
"D-dave..?"
I scroll to the text of the picture and read...
'Told you he would finally come around and get over you. Kill yourself you piece of trash.'
My eyes fill with tears quickly as they begin to stream down my face in disbelief.
The feeling I once had in my stomach was gone- instead... I felt pain. Such a large amount of pain- not like the kind that comes from hurting myself or other people saying cruel things to me.
I feel... so numb. All I'm capable of doing is sit here and cry.
I've lost the one thing that made me want to keep living. I knew he would've left me eventually. I wasn't good enough for him. John is so much better than me in so many ways.
I was so blind.
I feel a mixture of emotions overwhelm my body and I stand up from the bed throwing my phone to the ground as I slowly fall apart.
"Fuck this. I'm s-so done with everything."
I'm so tired of feeling like I don't belong. Like there's something wrong with me and I can't figure out what. Why no matter what I do around other people- it's never enough.
I run my hands roughly through my hair as my fingers push past tangles. My face becomes more and more wet as I make my way to the bathroom turning on the faucet as I watch the water slowly fill to the top.
I search through drawers quickly looking for a lined piece of paper and a pen to write with.
I may be leaving this world for good but I'm not leaving without saying goodbye.
Throughout all of this craziness going on I hear my phone constantly going off in the background but I just ignore it. I'm not letting anyone stop me.
None of them truly care.
Once I receive the items I was searching for I rush back into the restroom and lay the paper down on the counter and begin to write.
'Dave,
I'm so sorry. I really am. I should've told you what was going on. I should've told you how I felt. But- you've been so happy lately and I didn't want to get in the way of how you felt. I think you deserve the world and I apologize for not being able to give that to you. I thought I could do it on my own and push through. I'm weak. I'm pathetic. I'm so useless and unneeded. All I did was waste air or get in peoples way. I feel like no matter what I did it just wasn't enough and I tried so hard. Please don't be sad that I'm gone. I'm not worth missing. You can do so much better than me. But I want you to know, that I really did love you. So much. Dave... The two years I got to spend with you was the best two years of my entire life. I- I honestly wanted to marry you. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you because you were my everything. Lately it just seems like I serve no purpose. Just remember the very last kiss I gave you. The last time you got to hold me in your arms. The last time I told you I loved you. The last time we felt connected whether it be in an emotional or sexual way. I gave all of me to you. After seeing the picture John sent me- I don't want to believe it's true. But- I can't help this feeling. It feels as if I can't control my actions. My thoughts have taken over what I do. You probably won't even care that I'm gone. I will always love you. May we meet again-
Love,
Karkat'
Once I finish writing my name I'm in complete tears and I leave the paper on the counter as I walk over to the bath.
I look down at the water as it sit still, motionless.
A rush of emotions flow throughout my body as I reach over for the blade I had sitting on the top of the toilet. I grip it tightly in my hands causing a small amount of blood to drip off my hand and fall into the water leaving a pattern of red.
I slowly emerge my body into the warm water causing more chills to move throughout my back as my clothes that are still on my body slowly flow away or stick closely to my skin.
Once I'm sat fully into the water I look around the pain bathroom before rolling up my sleeves as more tears fall from my face.
I shakily lift my arm up to the top of the bathtub as I move the blade to the mid part of my arm. I fiercely enter the blade into my skin and drag the cold blade down causing blood to leave my body and I let out a painful whine/scream.
When finished I slowly move the blade into my other hand as I do the same to my other arm letting out more sounds from pain.
I drop the blade into the water as I watch my blood flow into the water.
Part of me regrets not making the cuts deeper because only small amounts of blood was leaving my body so quickly. I lean my head back in pain as I slowly close my eyes wanting to already fade away from the world.
Behind all my whimpering and sounds of distress I hear the front door slam open and footsteps run up the stairs. Sounds fade away more quickly as my body relaxes slowly.
The last thing I hear is my name being screamed out from a male voice and someone quickly rushes to my body trying to pull me out of the water covering my cuts with what feels like a towel.
"H-hold on k-karkles. I'm h-here n-nononono-"
I shake my head slowly before everything goes black.

A/N well shit. That sure was depressing. Rip. Hmpf I dunno I write sadstuck when I get in emotional moods so yup here I am. I feel like trash and right now I just wanna break down and cry. Eh. Lol you guys already know there's gonna be a part two to this lol so don't worry. And I have gotten a few requests for a part three on Suicide- uhhhh... I'm working on it I guess lol. Just gotta think of how imma write that out. But yea I like when you guys suggest things so if you wanna see any specific contact don't hesitate to let me know. And Oof we hit 3k awhile ago... Damn- thanks guys! Means a lot. I've already got the next two oneshots intend on publishing planned out. So yee. Uh. Hope you liked. Hmpf- till next time... Love you guys!! Ever need to talk remember I'm here for you all! You're not alone. I promise.
-Randal <3

Word count- 2000