Amputee at heart.

Chapter 9

I looked at the letter, preparing myslef for what I was about to read. Jay sat quietly, acting as if her existance wasn't real.

Skyler,

I know I was never perfect, I was never there for you. I had the ability to be part of your life, instead I took to the side lines and let someone else care and love you. I felt too embarrased, too ashamed, too heart broken to ever take you. I was selfish, thinking me leaving wouln't effect you or Josh and Hope. I never ment to be a horrible parent. I never learned to heal, forgive and move on and I was never able to teach those things to you. I was always proud though, I used to sit and think about how amazing my daughter was. I smiled at the thought of you living your life worry free, I now know that was far from the truth. While I was sulking in the distance, you were struggling to stay afloat in the outside world. You had to pretend life was okay because of the sacrifices people made. I only cared about my own pain, I never even thought about what anyone else went through.

I always wanted to be the parent to help you with your homework, help you pick out your outfits, make you breakfast. But each time I looked at you it was a glance into my shame. I chased your father away. I ruined the family and there was no one else to blame other than myslef. I made a mistake that I didn't think could be forgiven and I couldn't risk having you, Josh or Hope discover that inside I was torn. Torn between whether I could be a Mother or not. In the time it took me to decide, Josh and Hope had already taken over my duties. The choice seemed clear. I'm sorry I didn't look farther and I'm so sorry I couldn't change things.

I guess I was never happy, I let everyone down and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I was so distracted the day of the accident. It was the first real time we had spent together in a long time, even if I was just driving you to school. I'm sorry I didn't swerve and I'm so sorry you took the biggest fault of all. I escaped with minimal injury, while you lost your arm and suffered the most. I couldn't look at you, I felt so selish that I let my own needs overpower the needs of others. This isn't your fault at all, I've screwed up so many times, I don't even know where to start. I just didn't see the point. I never want you to blame yourself. I brought this upon myslef and I am so sorry. I forgive you for everything. I hope you will do the same.

I love you

Mom

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I stared blankly at the paper.

"Does this mean.."

"Skyler your Mother commited suicide 16 hours ago, they found her body in the hotel room in Mexico. Skyer I am so sorry."

"Jay, could you leave for a moment?"

"Of course, let me know if you need anything..." Jay stood up, squeezing my hand and walked out. Gently closing the door behind her.

I sat cross legged, looking down and the thin piece of paper, the last words my Mother had ever written to me. Although my emotions were building I couldn't find the tears. With all of the crying I've done since the accident it seemed almost useless. So I sat there, re reading the note until I felt something. Something more than pain. Regret, possibly? Anger? Dissapointed? But nothing came, so there I sat.

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It wansn't until an hour later that Josh came in. His eyes empty, face pale and lips pursed. It had only been a short amount of time since i'd seen him, yet the changes were prominent. The usual cheery, dorky smile and sparking eyes were gone and replaced with something foriegn and scary. He sat in the chair next to the bed and placed his head in his hands. "Why?" was all he said, whispering it into his palms.

I got out of bed crouching next to him and grabed one of his hands pulling it away from his face that now glistened with tears. Josh had seen the loving, caring side of my mother. The one that taught him how to tie his tie and ride his bike. He lost that Mother when I was born. Now he's lost her again, this time for good. "I can't do this Sky, I've been strong for too long."

"Josh, I'll be stong enough for the both of us. You taught me that strenght doesn't come from what you know you can do. It comes from overcoming the things you once thought you couldn't. So that is what I'm about to do. I don't know how my life is going to look now with my injury and I sure as hell don't want to think about it. But I've overcome so many things in the past few months that I don't know what is impossible anymore. All I know is that together we are going to be just fine. We always have and we always will. Please just don't leave me like mom did. I need you more than anything and I can't stand the thought of not having my big brother. Promise me this?"

"Skyler I will never leave you. I never have and I never will. For now I need you to get better and I need to get you back up on your feet. Seeing you here hurts me more than you will ever know. I can't stand the thought of you becoming reserved. You cannot take after mom's steps. I couldn't go through that. Not again."

"I will not become another version of Mom..."

We sat there for a few long minutes, just taking in the words that had been exchanged. Thats when another voice broke the silence.

"Hey..." The voice almost whispered. Hope stood at the doorway, she started to make her way in. I stood up, prepared to hug my tear soaked sister. I extended my arm steping in her path. "Don't," she said avoiding my touch and walking right past me.

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SOOOOO that was alot that happened! How did you guys like it?

QUESTION TIME

1. Thoughts on mother death?

2. What do you think is up with Hope?

3. Guesses for what next chapter will bring?

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Elahny :)