Hurricane - The Greatest Showman ~ Anne X Phillip {Sequel to B R O K E N; free}

Nyctophilia

Anne's POV:

(Trigger Warning)

Nyctophilia: love of darkness, or of night. Finding relaxation or comfort in the darkness.

They say that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

But what if there was no tunnel?

What if all this time light has just been surrounding you? Inviting you? Loving you?

But you, being pessimistic, choose to always see the darkness?

Light is blinding.

And it's been shining on you for a while now Anne.

But you're always too scared. Too cowardly to seek it out. You choose to see the negatives in your life. But doing that just creates more things to dwell on.

I will never understand how to let go.

Not completely.

There are still these moments. They flash through my mind. I get so angry.

I need to stop doing that.

I have people that love me. Don't I?

I mean, that's more than some people can say.  I think that there's light out there for me.

But for some people, their light is a train.

Just waiting for their false hope.

Waiting.

For the perfect moment;

To end them.

My hope. Is it false?

I mean. It sure does seem like it. Every good thing that happens to me is either taken away or cancelled out by something equally as awful. Sometimes more so.

I mean.

Think about it. (AN: insert Peeta Mellark GIF. Ok I'm sorry carry on.)

Slavery's abolished : I'm wandering the streets

I find a circus that makes me happy: it burns down

I find a man that I'm in love with: I never have time for him

I find out I'm pregnant: I find out I was raped

I imagine telling Phillip: my insanity makes him look like a monster

I find out my moms alive: I find out my dad's dead

I find a woman who wants to help me: she kills herself.

And now I'm wondering...
Did she have the right idea?

I stopped taking those pills. But I still feel the side effects.

Dizziness

Nausea

Disorientation

Hallucinations

It's like some sort of sadistic magic. Punishing me.

I miss who I was. Who I used to be. Before I found everything out.

Knowing is a funny thing. You want to know. Until you do know. And then you don't.

It's one of the many scenarios in this world where you'll never be satisfied. (AN: insert Angelica GIF. Ok carry on.)

(Trigger warning)

I get up off the couch and walk towards the kitchen.

Happiness is an illusion. Created by pain.

My steps quicken a little.

How could anyone ever be happy in a world such as this?

I open the drawer below the windowsill, as I stare at the flowerpot.

Everything beautiful hides behind something that isn't.

Everything happy hides behind sadness.

Everything that's fixed was once broken.

Everything good. Is made by something bad.

Everything good. Is an illusion.

Everything good. Is not real.

Don't ask me why I'm insane.

I pick up a knife.

Ask me why, despite everything. Despite everyone, despite the world and it's twisted ways; why some people aren't.

Expressionless tears roll down my face as I feel my lip quiver a little. I move the knife closer to my arm. My breath is ragged and catches in my throat.

(Trigger warning x2)

One for a childhood that was taken from me.

I run the blade across my skin, cutting. I wince and yell a little.

Two for the last shred of my dignity taken from me after my rape.

I repeat the action, numbness spreading my body, sadness coursing through my veins. I put on a blank stare. Tears falling from my face, stinging on the wounds.

Three.

For being trapped inside a sick cursed mind.

I slice through my skin one last time and throw the knife in the sink. I stare at the welds in my skin, pooling with blood. I sigh out.

It didn't make me feel any better.

I press a paper towel to the wounds feeling a sting pulse through my body. After about a half hour, I get up and throw the paper towel away, covering it with other towels. I clean off the counter, and rinse off the knife.

I throw my body onto my bed and feel a deep sob wash over me. I cried harder than I ever have. My entire body felt numb and pained at the same time. My eyes were bloodshot and my face was so puffy it resembled a pillow.

I focused on my breathing.

In 1...2...3...out 1...2...3...

I heard the door open, and I quickly turned off the lamp, and pretended to sleep as Phillip walked in with the groceries.
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AN: I'm sorry it's been so long since I've updated I've just had a lot going on and this chapter was not easy to write. I hope you can forgive me. 😬

-Erin💕